Analysts working for CYNIC, the market research firm hired by the Government to give it unbiased predictions, today announced that it forecast a turnout of 0% for the next General Election.
'Taking all things into account', Professor Hawkings of the firm said, ' such as MPs defrauding the state of millions of pounds, MPs doing nothing else at all, the European Union now deciding the UK's laws, the USA deciding Britain's 'defence' - i.e. attack - policies,
the worst set of politicians in history, and MPs, even when getting caught in blatant frauds and admitting them, being punished by getting peerages and not even paying the money back, we predict a zero turnout at the next election. There is simply no reason for the public to vote any more, and they won't.'
But such shock news angered many MPs, and one, Jackie Sykes - about to become Lady Fagin - said: 'This is a monstrous statement by CYNIC! The country needs people like me, to steal and cheat and lie and defraud your taxes, doesn't it? I mean, what would you, er, do ... without us ... to ... terrorists! That's it, whew! Yes, the threat, the global threat, of temerrorism means you must trust us to, er, trust us to, let's see ... Alastair?'
'What Jackie is trying to say', the Chancellor and Wrecker said, 'is that as long as we can persuade you there is some sort of dreadful threat to this country, though there isn't any, you will let us steal everything that isn't nailed down to the floor, pay one another huge salaries, and generally live a life of holidays, chauffeurs and endless homes, all at your expense.'
'And the one thing we're supposed to be doing, running the country, well, we're too busy eating, drinking and flying round the world to bother with that. So your banks will fail, your jobs will be lost, prices will rise, and we'll blame it all on a 'global downturn'. Nothing to do with a bunch of con artists and petty thieves in Westminster, of course, oh no. Jackie.'
'Alastair. So you see, the laughable idea that people simply won't vote is laughable! As the election approaches we'll fill the papers and TV with endless waffle about terrorism and recessions, though if you're over 18 you've already lived through terryfying IRA terrorism and the worst recession in history, but if we keep bleating the two words over and over a handful of mugs might vote.'
But Professor Hawkings disagreed. 'There is no recession. When a country has been taken over by people you wouldn't trust with counting your spoons, when massive frauds on banks have been allowed, and when millions, billions maybe, have been spent sending under-equipped soldiers to die in the Middle East to keep the USA happy, well, that is what has caused job losses and price rises. And crooks living it up in Parliament off your taxes just adds to it all.'
'As for the predicted zero vote, it is essential that it happens so that the British people can show MPs they are no longer wanted or needed, and that the British people are quite capable of running the country without them. Indeed, it's only fraudulent MPs that have prevented them from doing that very successfully in recent years. Get rid of the parasites!'
Jackie Sykes and Alastair Pinching then suggested to Professor Hawkings that he might like to take a little walk in the woods near to his home, and offered to lend him a nice loaded automatic Kelly gun.
