Written by Bunsen Burner

Saturday, 24 October 2009

image for Catholic Priest Performs Exorcism At Anfield
"Can you hear the protestants sing? I can't hear a feckin thing"

A Catholic Priest has performed an exorcism at Anfield in a bid to improve Liverpool's struggling form. After a run of defeats the club was prepared to try anything to turn things around.

Father Ian Rush sprinkled holy water over the two penalty spots and said exorcism prayers. "I just wanted to help. If I can drive the devil out then the players will have more confidence." However, a club spokesperson denied that the devil would be leaving. "As Mr Gillett has already said, Rafa Benitez has the full backing of everyone at the club and is not leaving."

Liverpool face the Red Devils this weekend. Manchester United will be difficult opposition for a side who lost to Sunderland last time out. Wayne Rooney faces a late fitness test, which suggests that the Witch Doctor hired by Liverpool was having more success than the priest.

Liverpool are employing many different religious tactics. They have just introduced Sharia law and are beheading anyone who bought a beach ball. There are unconfirmed reports that midfielder Lucas is the victim of voodoo, thus explaining why he is unable to run or kick the ball.

The Anfield exorcism is not the first to be performed in English football. Satan's helper Steve McClaren was cast out from Wembley and Ron Atkinson performed an exorcism upon himself live on television.

If the exorcism fails to work the Catholic church is concerned that it may lose members of the congregation. Cardinal Murphy Murphy said "If this is a balls up then I'm never welcome in Rome again. It will be back to that feckin seminary in Dingle."

Jesus saves, but he never had to deal with a deflection off a beach ball.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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