MALIBU BEACH - Justin Timberlake's attorney has just announced that Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Dante Cunnowitz has issued a temporary restraining order against Kiki McFixx, the woman who has been following Timberlake around for the past two years, three months, a week, and two days.
The 48-year-old woman, who was born in a sardine factory in Norway, first came to the United States when she was two days old.
Timberlake's lawyer Endicott Spagafelli stated that Ms. McFixx has become totally and completely obsessed with Mr. Timberlake. She somehow manages to get his private, unlisted cell phone number and she calls him at all hours.
She knows some extremely personal things about Timberlake that even close relatives and friends do not know. Like for example McFixx knows that Justin's second favorite color is raw umber.
She knows that he has a secret love for oyster-stuffed enchiladas. She also knows that Justin has a very personal and intimate name for his wiener that no one else knows, not even any of his past girlfriends.
Justin calls his little pal, 'Topo,' as in Topo Gigio the little Italian puppet character from the old Ed Sullivan Show. When Justin was asked to explain why he had picked that name, he replied that there was a very good reason but that he would rather not say.
McFixx has reportedly told her next door neighbor that Timberlake calls her every day telling her to please, please, please bear his child.
Spagafelli states that due to Ms. McFixx's obsessively compulsive staking of his client, Mr. Timby, as he calls him, has become extremely traumatized, tremendously stressed, and filled with gobs and gobs of anxiety.
Spagafelli said that this erratic behavior has become so bad that Mr. Timberlake cannot concentrate on his singing career, his dancing career, or his newly discovered tambourine-playing career.
He also intimated that sometimes he cannot even pee when he knows that there is someone else in his house.
Spagafelli adds that Ms. McFixx's behavior is strange, odd, and queer. Spagafelli then says that by queer he means unusual, he does mean to imply that Ms. McFixx or even Mr. Timberlake are by any means gay.
He wanted to stress that point by stating that he does have in his possession notorized medical and dental records which prove that neither McFixx nor Timberlake are gay; not even remotely.
Spagafelli did volunteer to say that in a strange sort of way, he does wish that Ms. McFixx was a lesbian. He laughs and says that at least that way she would leave Timby alone because she would be concentrating her stalking on someone like Lindsay Lohan, Ellen DeGeneres, Wanda Sykes, or Rosie O'Donnell.
When O'Donnell was asked to comment on what she would do if Ms. McFixx suddenly started stalkling her, the funny lady grinned and said that she would kick McFixx in her biscuit region, pinch the hell out of her tata's, and then she would crazy-glue her bu*t che*ks together.
Rosie smiled and added that if that didn't stop her stalking, she would then have a talk with her good friend Salvatore Goombalini, the head of New York City's notorious Goombalini family and Ms. McFixx would then find her stalking ass stalking the fishes at the bottom of the Jersey River.
Justin Timberlake is currently trying to work on his next single. It is a hip-hop rap song oddly enough entitled, "Hey, Yo Crazy Ass Stalkin' Bitch Gets Outta My Effen Face."
The National Stalking Bureau of America has just announced that Justin Timberlake's stalker, Kiki McFixx has just been named The 2009 Stalker of The Year.
