Chapter Two: Boldly Going, But With Who? (He's On First)
The Voyage of the Starship Enterprise Chapter Two: Boldly Going, But With Who? (and He's On First) Follow this link to view Chapter One Captain's Log, Stardate 6969.69. Captain "Buck" Kirk reporting. We've just departed Star Base and are proceeding at warp five on our mission to the Vulva. This was originally supposed to be a shakedown cruise to wear in a mostly new crew, but they are...
Read full storyRalph Nader Comes Clean About Being a Closet Republican
Ralph Nader, perennial independent presidential candidate and once a spokesman for many liberal political issues, admitted Wednesday to working with the Republican party in 2000 to keep Al Gore out of office. "He was basically working for the Repu...
Read full storyIs the first Mrs Barack Obama buried under Washington Park Lagoon?
Washington AC/DC - (Rotten Ass Mess): Only Michelle Obama and the First Mother-in-Law Mrs Robinson know the cadaver's exact location. But this week FBI sources hinted that it's probably weighed down by a huge concrete slab under the Lagoon lilyp...
Read full storyRainy Night In Wigan
Manchester United's grip on the Premiership appeared for a while to slacken off as they fell a goal behind to Wigan Athletic on a wet and windy night in Wigan. Following a brief tussle with United defender Nemanja Vidic, who ended up on his arse,...
Read full storyReferee Ovrebo To Make Amend
Infamous Referee Tom Ovrebo who bungled his officiating of the Chelsea vs Barcelona match in the UEFA Champions League Semi Final match has decided to make amends. He intends to award penalties in the match he would officiate in the Norwegian Leag...
Read full storyPope calls for Israel to be wiped off the map
Pope Benedict XVI has joined the ranks of other religious fanatics, world leaders and nut jobs with calls to wipe Israel off the map. Standing alongside Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas, he delivered his strongest public support yet for blowing t...
Read full storyTinpot dictatorships reel from UK MPs' expenses scam comparison
London - (Corrupt Bastards Mess): Despotic dictatorships around the world have hit back at widespread press comparison to UK MPs' sordid moat-raking, patio heater-infested expenses scams. A Non-Aligned Crack Barons Association source said today th...
Read full storyDeadliest Catch Ann Coulter Bagged by Discovery's Channel
DUTCH HARBOR, AK - In a bid to dramatically increase its viewing audience, Discovery's Channel will reportedly cut narrator Mike Roe from its highly-rated series Deadliest Crabs, bagging ice queen Ann Coulter to fill his role in the frigid Bering Sea...
Read full storyLady Gaga-- Pop Sensation or Tragic Cyborg?
It has been widely reported in entertainment journalism the family backround of the club music diva known as Lady Gaga. What was not revealed until late yesterday was that her father, internet auteur Joey "Jo-Jo" Germanotta, was secretly moonlighting...
Read full storyObama Appoints Self To U. S. Supreme Court
President Barack Obama has decided to appoint himself to replace Justice Souter on the U. S. Supreme court. And, he will also remain President of the United States. Well, why not? The guy's got game and an irresistible passion for challenges. Howe...
Read full storyCarrie Prejean's Insane Twin Chained Up In Attic
Hollywood, Ca - News is just emerging that reigning Miss California, Carrie Prejean, 21, who came out vehemently against same sex marriage causing outrage in many quarters, is nursing a very dark and dirty secret indeed. It has been revealed that...
Read full storyBurnley One Game Away - Premier League Panic
With unfashionable Burnley only ninety minutes away from securing Premier League status there was panic in the corridors of footballing power today. The bottom line is that the football authorities do not want Burnley in the Premier League, and wi...
Read full storyPattinson, Stewart & Crew Of New Moon Avoid Near Riot
Paparazzi photographers in Vancouver nearly caused a small riot over the weekend when word leaked out that the cast stars of Twilight's, New Moon were about to appear outside at the conclusion of the filming. Next a group of fans saw the photograp...
Read full storyMermaids deported from Australia
Broomshead, Aus - A group of mermaids and merman have been arrested trying to illegally enter Australia without passports or visas. The mermaids were found wandering around a seaside town, causing panic and mayhem to the locals by talking in high-...
Read full storyDeal or No Deal's Banker made redundant after losing £6.1 billion of show's money
Bristol, England - Deal or No Deal's banker Mr Banker was yesterday told he will be made redundant, effective immediately. Auditors spent two days going through the accounts and came out with the grave news: The Banker has given away £6.1 billion...
Read full storyIs Obama The Force Behind Spoof Star Trek Exravaganza?
It's only just begun, and yet already it's causing more controversy than the Pope's Hitler Youth alleged past. The Star Trek Extravaganza, conceived by BuckwheatsButt and championed by Jalapenoman came in for a severe mauling from an unnamed left win...
Read full storyAmish Boy Stars In Pennsylvania's Got Talent
A young Amish boy last night emerged as the star of 'Pennsylvania's Got Talent', and immediately became a firm favourite to win the talent show. For 8 year old Samuel Heiser from Lancaster County it must have been daunting experience taking to th...
Read full storyRed Arrows Admit First Ever Woman Pilot
For the first time in its illustrious history, the RAF's Red Arrows Diamond Nine display team have admitted a female pilot into their ranks. Flight Lieutenant Kristy Moore will join the team in September, having been the only female pilot to have...
Read full storyRockin da Ave 8
234 8th Ave they be rockin a deli, now, outside dat deli they got a MIRROR. That's Hot. I was just fussin with my hot hair. There are flowers in front of the mirror. I just thought about setting up an outdoor dressing room on the corner, gotta have my photographer with me: and then just Rockin the streets of Manhattan. It could be The Shannah Corner. But I gotta change between photos: is tha...
Read full storyPope to visit Craggy Island
In a surprise move, Pope Benedict XVI is to visit Craggy Island later this week on his way back from the Middle East. There he will meet local priests Father Ted Crilly, Father Dougal McGuire and Father Jack Hackett at the island's parochial house...
Read full storyBono's Elvis Poem Sucks
Not satisfied with saving the world, the rain forests, polar bears, whales, New Labour, Old Labour, Joanna Lumley, and the Gospel Singers Of America, Bono is to have his latest piece of self indulgent pap performed on BBC Radio Four tonight - his ram...
Read full storyMalta's Big Hope
Generously fleshed Maltese singer Chiara Siracusa is ready to do battle with the rest of Europe with her soporific ballad What If We. The 32 year old Eurovision veteran will make her third attempt to bag as many douze points as possible at this ye...
Read full storyMichelle Obama Ignoring Oprah?
If Oprah Winfrey is feeling stabbing pains between her shoulder blades, it may be a knife from the First Lady. But there's two opinions going around over the recent coolness between the two. According to a Michelle sympathizer, "She's (Oprah) rea...
Read full storyTamil Tiger Declared Endangered Species
The Tamil Tiger has been added to the list of endangered species. The species could face extinction if the Sri Lankan government continues its military action in the north of the country. A spokesperson for a prominent wildlife conservation group...
Read full storyWhite House Whitewashes Global Warming
An Environmental Protection Agency proposal that could have led to regulating the gases blamed for global warming has been whitewashed by the White House. The White House thinks factories, small businesses and other institutions should not be sacrif...
Read full storyWoman With World's Largest Vagina Hits Big with 'World's Largest Vagina Monologues'
NEW YORK CITY, NY - After being axed by a TV Channel, the woman with the world's largest vagina told the world that hers was "pissed off," and that it was "not going away." A seasoned Broadway veteran, she responded to her release by network execs...
Read full storySteve Coppell Resigns Ahead Of Expenses Revelations
Reading manager Steve Coppell has resigned from his post, after it emerged that controversial details of his expenses claims are to be published by a newspaper. Coppell, 53, announced his decision to reporters after his side lost 2-0 to Burnley in...
Read full storyCarrie Prejean To Star In The Ann Coulter Story
NEW YORK CITY - The current reigning Miss California Carrie Prejean has just signed to star in a motion picture about the highly outspoken GOP political commentator Ann Coulter. The Universal Pictures film will be directed by Carlo Tuscan-Giambatt...
Read full storyManny Ramirez Finally Addresses His Dodger Teammates
LOS ANGELES - Manny Ramirez, Los Angeles Dodgers superstar and hairstyle icon, has finally addressed his fellow Dodger players after receiving a 50 game suspension for testing positive for a performance enhancing substance. The PES is believed to...
Read full storyBrown announces charitable donation of reclaimed expenses!
Prime Minister Gordon Brown will this morning announce that he'll be making a charitable donation with the millions of pounds reclaimed back from MP's wrongly claimed expenses. Mr.Brown said that he'd discussed it in length with David Milliband an...
Read full storyBrown & Darling to appear on Jeremy Kyle Show
Gordon Brown is set to appear on The Jeremy Kyle show where he'll take a DNA test to prove his Scottishness! Alistair Darling will be on the other sofa playing the part of the betrayed partner. Alex Salmond will be in the audience with other SM...
Read full storyWanda Sykes and Rush Limbaugh Kiss And Make Up
CHICAGO - Comedienne Wanda Sykes and radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh have kissed and made up. Sykes was recently the featured performer at the White House Correspondents Association Dinner. She took some pretty good jabs at old "Mush Mouth" Lim...
Read full storyKatie Price's Breasteses v. Near Half of England: Lawsuits Abundanza
Business pages in the last remaining print journals in the English reading world have been reporting innumerable civil lawsuits brought in the case of Katie Price and the explosive breasteses. Boyfriend Peter Andre has filed suit through barris...
Read full storyDrunken Katie Price Blinds Dressage Nancy Boy
Spencer Wilton would be riding his tight ass to fame and fortune on the dressage path to lucrative awards and gay blade acquisition if it had not been for an unfortunate night of drunken reverlry and the enormous tits of Katie Price. Wilton a top...
Read full storyHubble Tunes In to Oldest Known Radio Broadcast
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL - With the wildly successful Hubble program nearing its final days, most scientists believed the aging telescope was for the most part out of surprises, or at least truly groundbreaking discoveries. Nevertheless, Hubble shocked th...
Read full storyNorwegian Blue Ovrebo Admits He Blew the Call While Pining
Norwegian Blue Ovrebo has told more than one drunken sot in his favorite neighborhood pub that he may have blown the call in the tragic defeat of Chelsea. Billy O'Braghaghan confirmed that Ovrebo got half in the pot every night since the bad call:...
Read full storyYucko Ono Mounts NYC Lennon Exhibit
Talentless artist Yucko Ono has mounted a New York city art exhibition to continue milking the Beatle legend for every red cent and union jacked ha'penny. Ono is selling John's busted granny glasses and a complete set of his coke spoons. Pints of...
Read full storyT T Cameron Tells Tory MP's: Face My Sack
Tory tyrant Little David Cameron has faced down the Parliamentary Goliath of corruption: "Face my ball sack you twits and give back ever haypenny ya stole from the good hard workin people of John Bull's Island!" Cameron exposed the lies and thie...
Read full storyGates Introduces WindowBlinds
Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft-the software giant-has introduced the latest Windows product at SpazTech 2009 in Las Vegas: WindowBlinds. It's the third and final product in the current Windows franchise, joining the utilitarian WindowShades, an...
Read full storyJohn Demjanjuk Freed From Jail; Pope Benedict XVI Arrested
Red-faced German officials admit they erred in arresting John Demjanjuk as the death camp guard "Ivan the Terrible" accused of assisting in the murders of 29,000 people when they discovered the crimes were actually committed by former Hitler youth me...
Read full storyManufacturer Defends Nuclear Ferris Wheel
Swiss manufacturer Interim today defended its new nuclear powered ferris wheel against critics who said it was "dangerous" and a poor use of resources. Interim engineers say competitors are just being "snarky" because the wheel goes "really fast,"...
Read full storyEinstein's Formula On Terrorism Found, T=PMS X W
A spokesman for The Einstein announced today that a box of unknown papers that belonged to Albert Einstein has been discovered in Pavia, Italy where he once lived. Inside the box, along with many "Girl Goodies" of the day, showing plenty of ankle...
Read full storyObama releases More Papers On Gitmo Prisoners
President Barack Obama released still more material yesterday about how the Gitmo prisoners were treated and what helpful information the detainees gave under "Water Pressure". According to the previously highly classified information that Obama h...
Read full story