Deadliest Catch Ann Coulter Bagged by Discovery's Channel

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Wednesday, 13 May 2009

image for Deadliest Catch Ann Coulter Bagged by Discovery's Channel
Captains fear Coulter will have veteran crew members "cutting bait," leaving to pursue employment elsewhere.

DUTCH HARBOR, AK - In a bid to dramatically increase its viewing audience, Discovery's Channel will reportedly cut narrator Mike Roe from its highly-rated series Deadliest Crabs, bagging ice queen Ann Coulter to fill his role in the frigid Bering Sea next season.

Critics have called this move the "most recent watering-down of the Discovery's Channel lineup by focusing on dysfunction and drama to draw viewers in order to compete with the utter nonsense of network reality TV programming."

Nevertheless, producers believe viewers should take the bait, tuning in to see Coulter's relentless dogging of everyone from greenhorn crew members to fleet captains. They say Roe's "adolescent puns" that often include bathroom humor and numerous references to genitalia "just don't stack up" to the ruthless nature of the right-wing pundit's unique comedic stylings.

To her credit, the comedienne's particular brand of wit has proven enormously popular on the Republican talk show circuit, and her most recent book Polemics: Getting Medieval on Liberals has been praised by the New York Times List as "the funniest thing since lip cancer."

Northwestern captain Sig Hansen is reportedly "f*cking terrified" at the change in lineup. He says that, even though Coulter is rumored to have a reddish-brown hourglass-shaped birthmark on her lower back and has reportedly eaten more than 50 of her would-be suitors, he nevertheless finds himself strangely attracted to the lethal Latrodectus conservatus.

Coulter most recently drew national attention to herself when she descended upon President Obama, wrapping him in spun silken threads and fleeing with him to the outskirts of Washington D.C.

Mike Roe has been warned to "stop being so whiny sometimes" and add personal attacks and confrontation to his occasional lame jabs at irony or face losing his other Dirtiest Job as well.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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