Catholic Priests Set To Penetrate Western Youth With "I-Mass"
The hierarchy of the Catholic Church is worried. They need deeper penetration of the world's youth. They have a powerful need to get deep inside the young people of today, and plant the seed of Jesus inside them. It is urgent. "We're going to give them a WELT," says the Vatican. Although the Church counts its flock in the hundreds of millions, numbers in developed, white, important countries...
Read full storyJoe Jackson Extablishes Record Breaking Record Company
Joe Jackson, father of the recently deceased 'sainted one' took a break from mourning to announce that he has extablished (sic) a record company. Cash In On Death Records Inc is seemingly modelled on the Motown organisation and hopes to milk the c...
Read full storyTax Increase Inevitable - We Must Go On The Train
Not since the days of Dr Beeching's axe has so much attention been paid to the few peasants who travel by train to their humdrum jobs in London financial institutions. In a bid to reassure this focus group (known as "Yuppy Wankers" by the rest of...
Read full storyBritish Army To Buy Guns From Foreign Firms - Soldiers Breathe Sigh Of Relief
In an new cost-cutting measure, Britain is to hand over the arming of British soldiers to foreign companies. Despite Britain having led military weapon technology and development since 256 BC when the head butt was introduced, the Cabinet has deci...
Read full storyEnergizer bunny dead at 30
St. Louis, MO: The death of famed advertising icon the "Energizer Bunny" was announced today. Known to his friends as "E.B," Bunny was 30. The tragic announcement was made by CEO, Ward Little. "The Energizer family has suffered a tragic loss with...
Read full storyLondon To Host 2010 Wife Carrying
London has been chosen to host the 2010 International Wife Carrying event. After this year's event in Helsinki finished the IOC announced that London had defeated Paris, Moscow, Athens, LA and Dudley in the bid to host the event. "Naturally we ar...
Read full storyRunts Want FCC To Ban Word Midget
Munchkins all across the United States are up in arms over an episode of "The Apprentice" where they are referred to as "Midgets" and a Joan Rivers team suggests that they be hung up to dry. The runts apparently don't like the term "midgets" and fee...
Read full storySaint Peter Orders Halt To Celebrity Deaths!
This morning Pope Benedict XVI announced that he had received a note from Saint Peter that, if it's not too much trouble, would you have them to hold off with the celebrity deaths for awhile. The note continued to say: While Farrah is only admiring herself and her reflection in the streets of gold even outside the gate, she won't get her wings until all her records have been checked carefu...
Read full storyHenman Blasts 'Bottler' Murray.
Former British number one Tim Henman has branded Andy Murray a 'bottler who will never win the big one', after the Scot lost to American Andy Roddick in a tight semi-final. "He doesn't have the balls. And I don't mean tennis ones", said Henman, sp...
Read full storyDizzney Offs Monorail Driver
ORLANDO, FL - As predicted, the horrific Metro crash in Washington D.C. two weeks ago was finally duplicated, though on a much smaller scale, in Orange County, Florida today when a Dizzney World monorail train smashed into the rear of another that wa...
Read full storyMartin Bashir: "Princess Diana told me Jackson was her sibling!"
New York - (ReUterus): TV celebrity interviewer Martin Bashir has bowed to the pressure of a $1 million paycheck and will publish unedited footage of his 1995 Princess Diana interview. The footage is to be shown on LAFagHagSlagMag.com's YouBoob! c...
Read full storyKing of Rock (Elvis) and Queen of Soul (Aretha) to Perform at King of Pop (Michael) Funeral
Music Royalty will be in attendance at the funeral of Michael Jackson. Aretha Franklin, the Queen of Soul, and Elvis Presley, the King of Rock, will both sing. Aretha, who has ballooned to over 600 pounds, will arrive in the back of a semi truck...
Read full storyBishops Urged To "Repent And Be Changed"
Church of England Bishops have been urged to repent and be changed. Peter Twatchell, human rights campaigner, said "The Bishops live a life which goes against the norm of society. They spend their time reading texts whose origins are dubious and fail...
Read full storyShaquille ONeal Loses Phone Box Cell Phone in London
London - Seven foot one NBA basketball star Shaquille ONeal recently misplaced his cell phone here while vacationing. The 15-time All-Star last recalls setting it down "somewhere near Regent's Park" and has not been able to find it since. The cell...
Read full storyJackson to do the Moonwalk!
It was announced yesterday that Michael Jackson's funeral was to be held on the moon. It would coincide with the full moon to give the maximum number of people across the globe a chance to view the ceremony. Special telescopes were being auctioned...
Read full storyPink Floyd Sues Viagra Over "Another Prick That Stands Tall"
A representative of the rock group Pink Floyd has launched a lawsuit against the Pfizer Company, makers of Viagra the penis miracle drug, over their use of the music to their hit single, "Another Brick In The Wall". "They have definitely crossed t...
Read full storySkip Wiffleball Signs For Man United
Skip Wiffleball, the precocious American soccer prodigy from New Mexico has signed for Manchester United, who beat off stiff competition from Real Madrid, Barcelona, AC Milan, Chelsea, and Manchester City. Skip Wiffleball (19) is said to be an exc...
Read full storyTwelve Top Reasons Casual Friday Not A Good Reason To Go To Work Naked
12. Shut the desk drawer on your balls. Twice. 11. None of the guys will believe all those wild weekend stories ever again. 10. Not only will the boss "see your ass in here early Friday morning" but everything else. 9. Coffee spills. 8. Your boobs are cross-eyed. 7. Immediately you get the new nickname, "Shorty". 6. Extra hard to ease one out without also faking a loud sneeze...
Read full storyMan sets house ablaze after reading satire article
PADDINGTON, LONDON - A devastating fire which killed just one person is said to be the result of a 'freak' accident involving the deceased. Forensics at the scene indicte the fire was no accident. It was a result of a very peculiar series of event...
Read full storySnag Films Snags Crystal Defanti Sex Video
Los Angeles, CA - Snagfilms, an award winning internet site devoted to showing top quality documentaries and feature films online, has secured the right to distribute the Crystal Defanti Sex Video. Snagfilms representative, Nigel Witherbottom, sta...
Read full storyBlushing Meadows as DNA tests confirm LBJ is John McEnroe's father
New York - (Love-All Mess): Fifty years of Pentagon blarney has been smashed apart with this weekend's news that 36th US President Lyndon B Johnson's DNA tested positive for paternity of former tennis wonderboy John McEnroe. The nine times grandsl...
Read full storyFormer Beatles, Stones Manager, Allen Klein Dead At 77
Allen Klein, famous for managing the Beatles, the Rolling Stones and a whole lot of stars, died on Saturday, July 4, 2009, according to a publicist for his company. Klein who was famous for getting big deals in the music business, however, ended u...
Read full storyMary and John Eaten by Giant Yorkshire Crocodile
Missing newly-weds Mary and John Smith are missing presumed dead after last being spotted inside the jaws of a rare giant crocodile on the Yorkshire moors. The two had been celebrating the 6-week anniversary of their wedding in early May, when the...
Read full storyQueen Guitarist's Hair Collapses
Brian May's hair has dropped. The legendary guitarist from rock band Queen has described how he has even considered suicide after waking up the other morning and finding that his famous bouffant mane had lost the ability to stand upright. From hum...
Read full storyA.C.L.U. To Represent Suicide Bomber in Lawsuit
The American Civil Liberties Union (the ACLU) has filed a lawsuit in behalf of failed suicide bomber Abdul Rahad, a man who attempted to blow himself up during a baseball game at Dodger Stadium. The Los Angelese Police Department (LAPD) arrested Rah...
Read full storyWorld Scrabble Championship Ruined after cleaning woman vacuums up tiles
The World Scrabble Championship has been thrown into disarray after it was discovered that a cleaner had destroyed almost all the scrabble tiles the night before. The cleaner had been putting the finishing touches to preparations for the prestigi...
Read full storyMan irons boilersuit - burns hole right the way through it
A man in Leicester, who attempted to get some sneaky ironing done while his girlfriend was watching the telly, burned a 6-inch wide hole the whole way through his favourite boilersuit. Andy Lees had a craving to iron for years but neither his moth...
Read full storyTaylor Lautner to not star in New Moon, Trailer a fake!
Ever since the rumors of teen star Taylor Lautner was going to be replaced in the film New Moon, fans started going crazy. Taylor attempted to work out, but he didn't fit the requirements to play a more buff Jacob Black. The studio replaced him w...
Read full storyMan United sign Gazza
In another shock transfer move, Alex Ferguson has bought Paul Gascoigne for 20p. The former England international hasn't even seen a football in years, let alone kick one, but Ferguson is convinced that Gazza still has some of that old magic still l...
Read full storyNani to join Ronaldo at Madrid
Manchester United flop Nani is joining Cristiano Ronaldo in Madrid for some shopping trips and maybe the odd drink here and there. The terrible player is not actually being bought by Real Madrid but merely brought in to offer 'companionship' for the...
Read full storyMichael Owen ruled out for entire new season after United contract signing injuries
Surprise free transfer gamble Michael Owen has been ruled out for the coming season on medical grounds after breaking into tiny pieces. The England international noticed a sharp pain and discomfort in his wrist immediately after signing on the dotted...
Read full storyAnother BBC Scandal: Coverage of Wimbledon Yesterday Was a Repeat.
This year's women's final was yet again between the Williams sisters, Venus and Serena. Venus had a torn ligament in her calf muscle and could not really play. So it was decided by the All England Lawn Tennis Club to substitute her for a look-alike s...
Read full storyBeatles Manager Allen Klein - Last Photo
London, UK - American music executive, Allen Klein, has passed away. Mr. Klein's greatest claim to fame was to be the precipitating force in the breakup of, what many pundits believe to be, the greatest band in the history of popular music - The Beat...
Read full storyThe louder your car engine, the more likely your penis is tiny
A scientific study has shown that young men who drive cars with very noisy engines are more likely to have tiny penises. There is a direct correlation between the decibel levels of male drivers cars and the girth and length of their penis. Apparen...
Read full story'The Case of the Murdered Singer'
Famous detective Sherlock Holmes was reluctantly called out of retirement today, to take on his most baffling case yet, the Case of the Murdered Singer. 'Dashed mysterious, Holmes, this business about the singer. I can't make head nor tail of it.' 'Watson, you are a moron, first we must investigate, then eliminate, then deduce, and all will become clear. Let us take a hot air balloon to the sce...
Read full storyWayward South Carolina Governor Admits He Just Might Be Crazy
South Carolina Guv Mark Sanford, recently believed to have gone missing on a long, solitary hiking trip all the way to Argintina, apparently, has said that he will disclose whether or not he charged his eleven pairs of worn out hiking boots to the pu...
Read full storyDolly Parton's Tits Offically Sag To Ground Level
Dolly Parton, the 63 year old country singer most famous for her huge breasts, has announced today that her boobs have now sagged so much that they drag on the ground. "If I take off my bra, them puppies is bouncing off my feet. I gotta kick 'em...
Read full storyObama Apologizes to Loyalists
Washington, DC - President Barack Obama on Independence Day said he would on behalf of the United States apologize for the treatment the Loyalists got during and after the American War for Independence. The President will host a dinner at the Whit...
Read full storyPhoenix crop circle predicted Roddick's spectacular rise from the ashes?
Wimbledon - (X-Files Mess): Is the appearance of the Barbury Hill Phoenix crop circle a supernatural omen behind Andy 'Men-With-Balls' Roddick's momentous resurrection from grand slam obscurity? The world number six seed has shot back into the lim...
Read full storyLight & Darkness: Christina Aguilera Interview - "She's back!"
Light & Darkness, the fourth full-length English studio album by Christina Aguilera, is set to be released sometime this year. We interviewed Xtina on June 22, 2009 and she was very nice; we talked about the new album and other projects. -Hey Christina! Could you please tell us about your album? -(laughs) Yeah, hi! -Hi... So, tell us about your new album. -Yeah... My new album is calle...
Read full storyWimbledon Centre Court is vandalised by extremist wombles
The Centre Court at Wimbledon was vandalised in the early hours of the morning after Andy Murray lost to American, Andy Roddick. Groundsman, Lorne Mower and Court official, Theresa Green, awoke this morning to find large craters all on the touchlines...
Read full storyMovie Studio To Release The Unreleased Michael Jackson - Angelina Jolie Movie
HOLLYWOOD - Touchstone Pictures in association with Up The Creek Productions has said that they will be releasing Michael Jackson's last motion picture. The film which starred Angelina Jolie as the main character in the Lara Croft adventure series...
Read full storyMeghan McCain's Juicy Tell-All Follow-Up Book
TUCSON - Meghan McCain, the 24-year-old daughter of Senator John and Cindy McCain has just published her second book. The 888-page book is a follow-up book to her first book entitled Gee Opie (GOP) - The Mayberry Republicans. Her second political...
Read full storyAnglican Bishop of Rochester: My Brown Skin is Not The Mark of Cain
Church of England prelate Bishop Michael Nazir-Ali thought that he would just be delivering the old routine attack on gays when he mounted the pulpit to call upon what he likes to refer to as Homosexuals to convert and change. Nazir-Ali who knows per...
Read full storySwift Scientists at Daily Male Declare Genes Not Beer Belies Big Bellies
Rocket Scientists at the Daily Male have stumbled upon a discovery that has ale addicts bellying up to the bar. As the name implies everyone has believed for centuries that beer imbibing brings big belly protuberances. Now after exhaustive studies at...
Read full storyElvis to Return in 2018
HOLLYWOOD, (AP) - December 3, 2018. That's the date. In a stunning development coming from the world of entertainment, American singer, Elvis Presley, has been given special permission to make an exclusive return. The return date will be most fitting...
Read full storySarah Palin's "retirement" puts SNL writers under suicide watch
New York, New York - Upon hearing the news of Sarah Palin's retirement from politics, Lorne Michaels placed a number of his comedy writers from the SNL show under a suicide watch by forcibly hospitalizing them. Lorne Michaels, the show's executive pr...
Read full storyTyra Banks Hosts "Who's America's Next Superman?"
Tyra Banks and her crew have been visiting Metropolis, Illinois and the Superman Museum to do film footage for her upcoming reality show, "Who's America's Next Superman?". Banks stated that she and her crew had a great time, especially the females.
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