Dizzney Offs Monorail Driver

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Sunday, 5 July 2009


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Dizzney: Death Merchant strikes again!

ORLANDO, FL - As predicted, the horrific Metro crash in Washington D.C. two weeks ago was finally duplicated, though on a much smaller scale, in Orange County, Florida today when a Dizzney World monorail train smashed into the rear of another that was stationary, killing the driver and injuring at least one passenger.

Authorities believe the crash was the work of a "copycat." First recorded in 1912 after murders by Jack the Ripper, the copycat effect "refers to the tendency of sensational publicity about violent crimes to result in more of the same through imitation."

People who knew Austin Wuennenberg, 21, say he was "quiet" and "sort of a loner," indicating that "if there was ever anybody who would celebrate America's independence like this, it would probably be Austin."

This the third instance of the phenomenon so far; the San Francisco Onion broke the story Copycat Causes Carnage, Crashes BART Train in San Francisco on June 25, less than two weeks ago.

Many have suggested that Dizzney has resorted to "even more sinister means" to kill, no longer able merely to assign stars like Britney Spears to the same fate as Michael Jackson. Admittedly, the company has child star Miley Cyrus claiming "she is the new Michael Jackson," according to spoof writer Hydrogen Balloon.

The Dizzney entertainment empire is now believed to be paying its service employees wages so woefully insufficient that many workers have lost the will to live, and may want to take others with them when they go.

Authorities urged visitors using the Dizzney amusement parks' monorail systems in the future to "hold on for your lives!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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