Sarah Palin's "retirement" puts SNL writers under suicide watch

Funny story written by Robert W. Armijo

Sunday, 5 July 2009

image for Sarah Palin's "retirement" puts SNL writers under suicide watch
News of Sarah Palin quitting politics has many SNL's writers in the psych ward contemplating their next career move

New York, New York - Upon hearing the news of Sarah Palin's retirement from politics, Lorne Michaels placed a number of his comedy writers from the SNL show under a suicide watch by forcibly hospitalizing them. Lorne Michaels, the show's executive producer, himself asked his personal physician to lightly sedated him as well the news came as such a shock to the comedy world.

"It's no surprise," said an SNL longtime stagehand. "Sarah Palin has done more for the popularity of the SNL show in the past year than Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi, Chevy Chase, Jane Curtin, Garrett Morris, Bill Murray, Laraine Newman and Gilda Radner all combined. Or something like that."

Lorne Michaels and Tina Fey and their celebrative effort, "30 Rock", in particular has benefited from Sarah Palin's uncanny (some say striking) resemblance to Tiny Fey.

"I won't miss her," said Tina Fey, as he takes another drag on an unlit cigarette nervously repositioning herself on a couch in the office of Lorne Michaels on the NBC studio set of SNL. "I'm just here for the moral support. I'm the moral support of the other writers, I mean. I'm not here for theirs. I don't need any. I'm Tina Fey. I got my own hit show. It's called '30 Rock'. It comes on right after 'The Office' which I might add has no one that resembles Sarah Palin in the least."

NBC's "30 Rock" is based on the behind the scenes inner workings that made SNL the success that it is today.

"Which I just realized owes much of its recent success to me portraying Sarah Palin," said Tina Fey, as she began tossing the Lorne Michaels office. "Oh my God! I need a drink! Where's the bottled mineral water that bares a striking resemblance to Vodka?"

As Lorne Michael walked over to Tina Fey, gesturing with his hand to his throat that the interview was over, EMTs rushed into the office and strapped down Tina Fey to a gurney, preparing to move out into the NBC hallway, just like they did with the other SNL writers.

"What are you doing?" whispered Lorne Michaels to the EMTs attending Tina Fey. "No. Don't send her down with the others. Take her up to the rooftop. There you'll find my private corporate helicopter with my personal physician onboard waiting for her. They'll take her to a hospital here in Manhattan."

"Lorne, listen. I just had a terrible thought," said a delirious Tina Fey, as she was being strapped down into a gurney and administered a shot by a registered nurse. "What if all this time, everybody thought I looked like her, and not that she looked like me? Oh my God! Who am I? Where does Tina Fey begin and Sarah Palin end?"

"Tina," said Lorne Michaels, looking intensely into Tina Fey's eyes. "Look into my eyes. I know you're frightened and not feeling well, but remember what I told you about calling me by my first name. It's Mr. Michaels. Mr. Michaels, okay?"

A subdued and sedated Tina Fey nodded in silent obedience as she as whisked away.

As Lorne Michaels flung open the studio doors outside the SNL set it was like a scene out of the TV series "ER" with a row of gurneys cluttering the NBC hallway all in a jumbled and jagged line, waiting for an available elevator. While working his way through the line to the front with a bullhorn in his hand, needy comedy writers grabbed desperately at his Giorgio Armani suit, begging him for reassurance that everything was going to be all right.

"Listen people," blared Lorne Michaels voice over the bullhorn. "Everybody remain calm. We'll have you down on the first floor to your awaiting ambulances to transport you to the best medical care New Jersey has to offer, because nothing is too good for my writers. Unfortunately, due to the recession - and by that I mean Obama being elected president and now Sarah Palin quitting politics - some of you will not be back next season. So you might as well say your goodbyes now."

Turning off the bullhorn, Lorne Michaels turned the senior EMT instructing him to shut off their ambulance sirens and emergency lights once they leave the city limits. And keep driving until the caravan of ambulances clears the Canadian boarder.

"There they'll get all psychiatric attention and for free," said Lorne Michaels, whispering into the EMT's ear. "After all they're all mostly Canadians. And for those few that aren't, just dump them on the roadside along the way."

Lorne Michaels explained that the drive by media has given it an ominous sounding name, calling it patient dumping.

"But why should we let that stop us," said Lorne Michaels, continuing to whisper into the EMT's ear, drawing even closer. "It hasn't stopped them. They've been doing it for years, since the early 1980s under then President Ronald Reagan. It works great, too. Only there's one problem. A loophole of sorts: they occasionally find their way back. Could you close that loophole for me, if you know what I mean?"

With a wink and a nod, Lorne Michaels closed the secret deal by slipping a one hundred dollar bill to the EMT.

Back on the bullhorn, Lorne Michaels: "Again people, it has been great working with you. Too bad about the election results and Sarah Palin, too. But that's the way it goes sometimes. But all is not lost. Maybe something will turn up and the Republicans will retake the White House in 2012. Or President Obama will take-up cigar smoking, have an affair with a young intern and be impeached before then. Oh well, at least we still have the audacity of hope."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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