Written by Wire Piddle

Sunday, 5 July 2009

image for Beatles Manager Allen Klein - Last Photo
Allen Klein - Last Photo

London, UK - American music executive, Allen Klein, has passed away. Mr. Klein's greatest claim to fame was to be the precipitating force in the breakup of, what many pundits believe to be, the greatest band in the history of popular music - The Beatles.

Mr. Klein had been hired to clean up the Beatles finances after their former manager, Brian Epstein, expired prematurely as a result of watching too many episodes of Coronation Street.

In proceeding to carry out his mandate as Business Manager, Mr. Klein enacted a 'scorched earth' policy.

1) He strong-armed anyone who owed money to the Beatles, with the outcome being that they would end up owing more, much more. The positive side to this was that it enabled him to show the Beatles that they could retire at anytime and still have a healthy income. The negative side to this was they eventually took him up on the offer.

2) He sacked anyone in the office whose enmity he encountered. Now although the firing of most of these individuals would have had a negligible effect on the bottom line, it provided the positive effect of creating an atmosphere of terror by which Mr. Klein could line up all his ducks in a row - Savile Row, to be more precise.

3) Once the campaign of shock and awe had started, he would try to grab up as many artistic rights for himself, all the while under cover of the fog of war.

This was a trick he pulled on Rolling Stones frontmen, Keith Richards and Mick Jagger. At the time of his death, Mr. Klein still owned the master recordings and rights to" Satisfaction" and "Jumpin' Jack Flash."

4) Perhaps Mr. Klein's greatest achievment - Once Klein had screwed over the Beatles, he would then charge them 20% for the privilege of being screwed over.

Now although Allen Klein has many detractors and may go down in the annals of popular music as a minor footnote, it should be noted that recent information has come to light which may put his legacy into perspective.

One source, a former Apple employee who identified themselves only as 'The House Hippie' stated, "You know there are two things about Mr. Klein that no one ever mentions. The first one is, he actually sorted the office out when he was there. He got things running again. You know that line in the Neil Young song, Alabama? You know,

Alabama, you got the weight on your shoulders
That's breaking your back.
Your cadillac has got a wheel in the ditch
And a wheel on the track

Well, Neil actually wrote that about Apple. It was Klein who put the wheels back on track"

"The second thing, Mr. Klein never really let the Beatle thing go. In fact ever since the breakup, Mr. Klein operated his whole publishing business, ABKCO Music & Records, Inc., out of the back of a Rolls Royce. It was an American company and for over 35 years, the chauffeur drove the streets of London, circling the old Apple offices at 3 Savile Row, with Klein in the back."

And it was in that car on that route that Mr. Klein eventually passed away of Alzheimers, age 77 - a broken man."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Beatles, Allen Klein




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