Manchester City Sign Wallace & Gromit
World's richest football club, Manchester City, are tonight involved in a new controversy after mistakenly signing the popular entertainment duo, Wallace & Gromit. The pair - an old man and his dog - were whisked to Eastlands this afternoon af...
Read full storyHilary Duff announced that she's having plastic surgery - just to fit in!
Hilary Duff, 21, has announced that she's going to have a breast augmentation. "I just feel I need this to fit in with the other celebrities that have done it," says Duff, "it would make me feel better about myself..." YIKES! She says she's g...
Read full storyUS backs new World Song Contest
Many American families tune in every year to catch the Eurovision Song Contest, that slightly quirky musical competition held in Europe. Well the 2009 contest is set to be the last, as the organizers have unveiled ambitious plans for a massive new w...
Read full story74 year old woman marries, has baby
Jill Mathison of Maryland got married, and had a baby 4 months after wedding, she's 74. The husband, George Bates , is actually 83 years old. He had been married earlier, but divorced his now ex-wife when he was 71. Jill and George met at a h...
Read full storyBaby-face father Alfie: I vote Cameron
Pre-teen 'dad' Alfie Patten has stated he will vote Conservative in the election after next after next. The tabloid victim has announced David Cameron is the only man to heal "Brown's broken Britain." He explained in the 2013 election when he w...
Read full storyBrown: Recession over
"Mission accomplished! The recession is over," Gordon Brown announced at a packed Downing Street briefing today. "No more searching for green shoots, the UK's economic oak has strong deep roots thrusting hard into the land that will hold the natio...
Read full storyCongress Declares the First "American New Year"
Not to be outdone by other religious or cultural new-year events, congress will vote today on a formal declaration and an amendment to the U.S. Constitution, citing June 20 of each Gregorian calendar year as the new, formal, "American New Year". W...
Read full storyO.J. Simpson To Appeal Court Verdict, Demand New Trial
O.J. Simpson, who is facing the prospect of spending the rest of his life in prison after he and co-defendant Clarence "C.J." Stewart were found guilty on 12 charges, including armed robbery and kidnapping, now says that his lawyer will appeal his ca...
Read full storyMichael Phelps Has Charges Dropped Over Pot Pix
The South Carolina lawman who drew criticism for launching a criminal investigation over the Internet-disseminated photo of the Olympian smoking a bong has announced that he will not pursue charges against the 14 olympic medal winner. Butler Coun...
Read full storyChancellor sets RBS bonus limits to £350 million per branch manager
Chancellor Alastair Darling has announced that the government is limiting bonuses to branch managers of the Royal Bank of Scotland to £350 million each. And that bonuses would no longer be paid in backhanders and foreign holidays with Swiss financier...
Read full storyPremier League To Expunge Old First Division Records
Modern fans will breathe a sigh of relief today following the announcement that the Premier League is expunging all the records from the old First Division prior to the launch of the Premier League in 1992. From next week, the high profile, high n...
Read full storyLoose Canon Law Lets Holocaust Denier Bishop Hold Black Mass
London - (Holy Shit! Mess): Cardinal Whormac Murphy-O'Con-Artist, supreme British primate and chief P2 Lodge grand master, has used a little-known Loose Canon Law precept to allow holocaust-denying bishop Richard Williamson to celebrate a Black Mass...
Read full storyMadonna to play Marge Simpson
Hollywood - (Material Girl Mess): "It's a movie about Marge Simpson, you twerp, not Wallis Simpson!" That was the only comment from Madonna-Kebab's publicist following rumors that the ageing fifty-something has-been rock chick is to star (sic) in...
Read full storyHiggs Boson discovered - Cern 'furious'
The elusive Higgs Boson, the so-called 'God Particle' has been discovered by three schoolboys working with a home-made particle accelerator. The boys, all aged thirteen and from The Francis Howard Academy in York, built the accelerator from bits and...
Read full storyBeckham And Mourinho For Chelsea?
David Beckham, the LA Galaxy star currently on loan to AC Milan, is this morning the subject of further transfer speculation, after it was reported that he was involved in a secret conversation with Inter Milan boss Jose Mourinho at the weekend. M...
Read full storyTehran-based Union demands shorter hours, expenses paid to families and longer fuses for members
An international union has come down hard on the EEC working week directive to complain that its members are becoming highly agitated that the working week is still 37.5 hours. The IUHB - International Union of Homicide Bombers - based in Tehran,...
Read full storySimon Cowley is looking for a new girl
Controversial Idol judge and infamous sexpot Simon Cowley says he is looking for a new "beau", and says she should be Mediterranean in appearance, not too tall and very sexy. When asked if someone like Penelope Cruz would be appropriate, Cowley s...
Read full storyHigh Seas Tragedy as Subs Collide!
Aboard the Doo Sea Doo-An Itallian sub and a Turkey sub collided this morning in rough seas off the coast of California and while no lives were lost, the subs were considered a total lose. The subs were being tracked by the crew for hours before...
Read full storyStrict New Rules Introduced for Rail Passengers
Passionate commuters saying their goodbyes will no longer be able to do so at Warrington Bank Quay Station, after management instituted a new stricter policy. Fed up with trains being delayed, managers have now issued a 'No Shagging' rule on all p...
Read full storyFriday The 13th "Cleans Up" At The Box Office
Friday The 13th, the latest edition of the Slash Opera has packed theaters like no other this past President's Day weekend, scoring an estimated $42.2 million from Friday to Sunday. Final numbers and standings should be out by Wednesday. Elsewhere...
Read full storyThe Fart Chart
The Department of the Environment have published the following scale and would like to know where you rate? Please send your answers via Airmail. The Farter Chart .... Types Of Farters VAIN : One who loves the smell of his own fart AMBITIOUS : Always ready for a fart LAZY : Just fizzle AMIABLE : Likes to smell others' farts PROUD : Thinks his farts are exceptionally pleasant S...
Read full storyChris Brown Apologizes To Rihanna, His Fans, Father Sarduccci, Guy Doing Interview
According to the Los Angeles Amplifier, Chris Brown says he is seeking counseling from loved ones and family members, one week after an alleged attack against his girlfriend, singer Rihanna. "Words cannot begin to express how sorry and saddened an...
Read full storyPhysicists closer to finding "God particle"
Despite damage to the large particle accelerator last year, Europe's particle physics lab Cern is still striving to discover the "God particle", also known as Hogg's bison. The particle was first hypothesised by Dr Rode Hogg in 1902. After a lifet...
Read full storyStudy: Canadians Have Smallest Boners; Chinese the Biggest
UNITED NATIONS - The United Nations International Research and Training Institute for the Advancement and Health of Slaughterhouse Workers Programme, has issued a report titled, "Size Matters". The study -- three years in the making, at a cost of $ 8...
Read full storyGordon Brown 'Best Leader', Says Poll
Gordon Brown is the best person to lead Britain through the current economic downturn, according to the results of a survey published today. The survey, conducted by independent think-tank LabourList, gave voters the choice between Gordon Brown, K...
Read full storyCOO melamine aspartame scare smokes out secret bar code scanners for the elite
GENEVA, Switzerland - UPDATE 1 - Hot on the heals of the country of origin (COO) secret melamine bar code revelation comes an even more shocking cover-up. "Not funny", is the plaintive cry of industry associations in response to the original revelat...
Read full storyBelmarsh Prison 'Out of Space'
London's Belmarsh Prison has announced that it is unable at present to admit any more bombers or terrorists, following the arrest of 183 Japanese tourists yesterday under new Police State Anti-Terror laws. The three coach-loads of tourists fell fo...
Read full storyDemi Moore now "Too Ugly" to strip
Demi Moore has received some shocking news from her agent, Frank Telling. Telling has told her the reason she has been rebuffed from several parts that she auditioned for in recent months. "Basically," said Misty Morning, Telling's assistant, "she...
Read full storyPresident Obama Plans to Bailout All Industries
President Obama announced today that all industries in the United States would be bailed out. "It is unfair to bail out the financial industry without bailing out the automotive industry that relies on those financial companies" he said, "and it...
Read full storyJoaquin Phoenix Has Moved To Peru
LIMA, Peru - Actor, musician, singer, and weird talk show guest Joaquin Phoenix has moved to the Andes Mountains of Peru. After appearing on David Letterman's Late Night Show on Feb. 11, 2009, Phoenix boarded a plane bound for Lima, Peru. Meanw...
Read full storyUK Government admits its role in torture of British citizens in Pakistan
David Sillyband the Foreign Minister has today admitted that the British government has a policy on torture and that this policy was effectively used in Pakistan. At the ongoing trial of Mohammed Biriyani........ who is accused of terrorism and...
Read full storyInternational rugby teams for the Hong Kong 6 nations five-a-sides tournament announced
The prestigious international Hong Kong five-a-side rugby tournament starts next month, and here are the teams taking part: Scotland: Alastair MacKenzie, Sean Newzealander, John McEnglish, John Evans, Shane O'Brisbane Ireland: Kevin O'Leary, Michael McDonald, Tom Smith, Seamus Hughes, Patrick Vladivostock England: John Accrington, Steven DiMaggio, Michael Mgbeme, Tonga O'Wu, Mick McGiggs...
Read full storyDevils on the march Part VI
o The first obstacle they encountered was rivalry among themselves. In brief, they could not remain united. Their civil service employees preferred to go home and watch misleading movies like "Little House on the Prairie". Worst of all, some of them even went to nightclubs and discos. Ridiculous Western lifestyle! o On the other hand, we the strict followers of the right faith, now would go dir...
Read full storyMother of Octuplets reveals some women's secret addiction to stretch marks, swollen feet and weight gain
Bellflower, California - It is a little known secret that few, if any women, are willing to tell, but that psychiatrists (along with other social service providers) that are court mandated to report such instances. That there is a certain segment amo...
Read full storyAssFrFred$$Giveness: Should Needy Catholic Schools Go Charter?
Dear AssFF44G, As a child educated in the catholic schools of NY and later a Catholic school teacher for 30 years, I am confused and frankly troubled by the Brooklyn diocese's plan to convert needy RC schools into secular charters. Has our religious identity come to mean nothing? Cannot the Roman Catholic community support the Church's mission to provide the next generation with a truly spiritual...
Read full storyFor Sale! Hurry!
Yesterday, Pakistan Prez announced that he is putting up one of the several golden scissors, used by Mr. Jinha during 1937-47, for sale. A billboard, hung outside Pakistan embassy in Afghanistan, read thus: "Do you wanna own a pair of golden sc...
Read full storySharia Law Hidden in Stimulus Package?
Rightwing radio and the FUCX semi-news channel have reported that the most extreme Islamic religious regulation has been passed by the Democrat Congress and signed by the President named after Mohammed's grandson. Rust Limberger said that as he h...
Read full storyUK Sub Rear-ends Froggie Bathosphere
In the post Nuclear era when only North Korea and Iran are neck to neck in a new atomic arms race, no one expected that ancient rivals France and England would be bumping uglies beneath the seven seas. But so it goes as a thermonuclear submarine from...
Read full storyTraitorous Rush Limbaugh Ordered To Leave Country
The traitorous Rush Limbaugh has been ordered to leave the U.S. The expressive right wing talk show host has made the statement that he "hopes Obama fails..." thus showing that with him it is all about politics and not about improving the country. He...
Read full storyYep, Another Simon & Garfunkle Reunion
Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel, despite loud boos from the crowd, joined forces for a surprise reunion in New York on Friday, performing three songs during the encore of Simon's show at the newly renovated Beacon Theater. "I thought I was coming he...
Read full storyJapan's Finance Minister Totally Smashed
Japan's finance minister is facing calls for him to resign amid claims he was drunk at a recent G7 meeting. Shoichi Nakagawa has apologized for his behavior but blamed cold remedies for a slurred performance at a news conference in Rome at the wee...
Read full storyAuto Industry Watchdog Panel Formed
Washington DC: President Obama has appointed a Watchdog Panel to oversee the restructuring of the two automobile manufacturing giants GM and Chrysler. This automotive Watchdog committee will be headed by McGruff, and include Barney (bipartisan mem...
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