UNITED NATIONS - The United Nations International Research and Training Institute for the Advancement and Health of Slaughterhouse Workers Programme, has issued a report titled, "Size Matters". The study -- three years in the making, at a cost of $ 8 million dollars - inspected the height of employees who debone carcasses in slaughterhouses round the world.
Maurice Duplessie, representative of the Canadian boners - the shortest with an average height of five foot six - voiced his concern about the report. "De problem for me and my members is de size of the table -- for de short boners -- we need to lower de table one inch so it's easier on de back. We gonna ask de Harper government for funding for head counseling - you know, it's gonna be tough when our members tell de little woman, dat one inch is gone, we wanna be prepared for all tings, you know."
Chinese spokesman, Dong Wei Ton, whose boners were the tallest in the study averaging five foot eight, jubilantly said, "we no more take stereotype about Chinese small boners,we now have proof, we got biggest boners in the world." "We take case to Beijing, that big boners add to economy, no need to limit size of family to two children."
His Royal Highness The Prince of Wales -- who some years back preferred being a tampon - is an honorary member of the Institute of the UK Boner Abattoirs -- average height of five foot seven -- said, "I think our chaps should hold themselves high, for coming second after the Chinese, quite extraordinary actually, considering there's twenty one times as many of those slitty-eyed buggers running around, according to Prince Harry."
New Zealand representative Ben Dover believes Kiwis are the biggest boners and planned to challenge the findings. "When the study was conducted, the majority of our big boners were in the field taking care of their sheep and not included in the final number."
UN spokeswoman, Elaine Picklefeather, said "while we sympathize with the stiff opposition by New Zealand, the margin of error is not enough to mount a dramatic change in the results." She went on to say, "the study on meat packers, titled, "Size Matters More" due next month, should both cover the New Zealanders concerns and make up for the shortfall." That report is due April 1st.