Hand sanitizers spread flu, typhus, HIV: health officials horrified
Public health authorities around the world are warning the public not to use 'hand sanitizer' lotions which advertise protection from illness. 'It's bad enough that hand sanitizers offer people a false sense of security', said Bertram Beecham of t...
Read full storyUmar Farouq Abdulmutallab 'a eunuch' following pants-on-fire fiasco
Detroit - (Ass Mess): Nigerian underpants bomb fall-guy Umar Farouq Abdulmutallab has been left partially castrated after a dismal flop failed to fire his rocket. Adding to his misery the FBI today published photos of the skid-marked Calvin Kleins...
Read full storyGlow-in-the-dark loo paper 'could replace bulbs'
Cardiff - (Bum Rap): A Welsh company has been given a £454,000 grant from the Carbon Truss to develop new technology to make glow-in-the-dark toilet paper. The CEO of the Welsh Bot Wipe Corp said today that using an electrical current to stimulate...
Read full storyBritney Spears Upset Her Crotch Pictures Not News Story of Decade
Pop tart and singer Britney Spears admitted that she is upset that pictures of her naked crotch (taken when she exited a taxi in a short skit and without panties) were not selected as the Photo of the Decade or Entertainment News Story of the Decade.
Read full storyFarmer Association backs Russian asteroid project with biofuels initiative
The Universal Crop Fuel Farmer Association (UCFFA) has announced support for Russia's project to divert an asteroid from a collision-course with Earth. 'When we heard that Russia would not use nuclear power to negate the threat, we knew instantly...
Read full storyChina joins Russia in asteroid project - Al Gore seethes in rage
China's space agency has announced its intention to join Russia in an international project to save Earth from a cataclysmic collision with a gigantic asteroid. Xian Bao, head of China's space agency, said that the Chinese people would 'work to th...
Read full story'Lazy Sunday Aftenoon''s words rewritten for Barack Obama
'Ah wouldn't it be nice, for you to wow the English But they make it very clear, they've got no room for windbags They think you're quite boring, and no-one at all You're doin' their crust in, you're just such a bore, oh! Lazy Sunday afternoon, got no mind to worry Close their doors and laugh away Ah here we all are, loving our black humour Makes the Yankees cry, they have no sense of...
Read full storyGordon Brown's Year of Disasters
2009 was the most disastrous year for a British Prime Minister since Edward Heath took on the coalminers in 1974, leading to the '3 day-week'. And here is Gordon Brown's Year of Disasters. January. Many Labour MPs were exposed by a national newspa...
Read full storySex, masturbation the only cure to turn young Muslim men away from terrorism
LONDON: It has been established that the Nigerian national who attempted to blow-up a Detroit-bound aircraft with his explosives-laden underwear was actually a 'sexually frustrated loner', unable to play out his normal sexual urges and who converted...
Read full storyRussia to save Earth from asteroid - Al Gore opposes project
Russia's space agency has announced an ambitious project to save the Earth from a rogue asteroid, drawing powerful objections from Al Gore. Anatoly Perminov, head of the space agency, said in an interview broadcast on Voice of Russia radio that th...
Read full story'Leaving On A Jet Plane' by Denver John
'My bags were packed, and then I went to Denver to give President Obama an excuse to look all cool And as I found the flight a drag I took some powder from a bag And made sure that the plane staff looked like fools So write me up and talk of me Say that you are scared of me Fill your screens with fake 'terror' alerts I'm leaving, this silly aeroplane Don't know when I'll be back ag...
Read full storyFraternity Offers Women Chances To Burn Their Bras At 60's Party
A University fraternity in California has offered women a chance to burn their bras at a 60's memorial party. Bra burning was a popular event in the 1960's as part of the feminist movement and was seen to be liberating from male domination. The L...
Read full storyEconomists Predict Big Pay Increases for Economists
New York City, NY - A group of economists at the New York Institute of Economics published a report forecasting a large increase in the salaries and rates paid to economists. Samuel Himes, one of the economists involved in preparing the report, said:...
Read full storyHubble Captures Image of Cosmic Boobs
Houston, TX - NASA scientists using the Hubble Telescope to probe the outer reaches of space have snapped an image bearing a strong resemblance to a pair of well-endowed female breasts. Says scientist Marcus Ribbs, "It just goes to show that the...
Read full storyVisitor from Future Kills Local Man, Arrested
D'Starkville, IN - Cops arrested Rezn0r 13-Z B1ggs today for the murder of local man Ed Hodges. B1ggs reportedly hails from the year 2434 and travelled back to the present in an attempt to prevent the future birth of Hodges' great-great-great-great-g...
Read full storyAutomakers Continue to Produce Ugly Cars
Detroit, MI - Despite nearly a decade of sagging auto sales and an overwhelming backlash from consumers, nearly every major automaker has continued to produce progressively uglier cars. It's a trend that started decades ago with Fieros and El Caminos...
Read full storyThe Donald is mortified by his ex wife Ivana's actions
Donald Trump "The Donald" as he is well known by, is very upset by the incident involving his first wife Ivana's actions regarding her removal from a major airline recently. He is sure her actions are due to the trauma he caused her by having an...
Read full storySarah Palin Refuses to Just Go Away
Moosecock, AK - Despite losing the presidential election, resigning as governor of Alaska, and being roundly criticized for her cheerfully ignorant demeanor, Sarah Palin refuses to do the one thing everybody wants her to do: just GO AWAY. When ask...
Read full storyWham! Video Game to be Released Next Month
Atlanta, GA - While the Beatles version of Rock Band had limited appeal, one company hopes to capture the attention (and dollars) of the masses with the latest entry in the genre, Wham!: Rock Legend. While critics have always respected the band's...
Read full storyMenthol Cigarette Exclusion Seen as Racist
Washington, DC - With recent tobacco legislation banning the sale of flavored cigarettes and labels advertising cigarettes as 'light,' many are asking why menthol cigarettes were excluded from these new restrictions. Leading a protest outside the Was...
Read full storyA Poetic Tribute To Monkey Woods
Wood Monkeys, or Monkey Woods, With all your names, you deliver the goods. Jenny Bigtits was perky and hot, though Mister Meaner got one starred a lot. Some say you're JB, or that girl named Chamone. Do you think of this all while you are stuck on the throne? When you're squeezing one out among those South Asain fleas, Are you wondering how to taunt and to tease? You overwhelm us with...
Read full storyBigger Penis Changing Pant Designs
CEO's of commercial clothing factories say that the fact that most of the men in the world now sport ten to fourteen inch penises after all the help they have received with the internet sales, they are having to change the design of men's pants and e...
Read full storyColonel Juan Stripped of Rank After Being Found Naked In Hot Tub With Exposed Privates
Third World military leader Colonel Juan has been stripped of his rank by his government after causing an international incident. At a U.N. New Year's Party in Geneva, the Colonel was discovered to be drunk and naked in a hot tub with exposed privat...
Read full storyUndertakers convoy surrounds Sandringham Estate
Norfolk - (Pie In The Sky!): Up to two hundred immaculately polished hearse limos are parked lying in wait within a half mile radius of Sandringham House. The convoy has massed in expectation of a local funerary industry 'happy event' predicted by...
Read full storyTexas University Fires Football Coach Mike Leach
A Texas University announced the firing of head football coach Mike Leach. Leach was under investigation for placing a player with a concussion in a small room for three hours on two different occasions (trainers were with the player the entire time...
Read full storyCalls For Stricter Safety Rules Due To Death Of High School Chess Player
Charles Bradley, president of a West Texas school's chess team collapsed and died in a competition against rival school. While official autopsy results are still pending, preliminary findings show that the player died due to a heart attack (which wa...
Read full storyTaylor Swift and Taylor Lautner Announce Break Up
Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner have announced that they have ended their relationship and are no longer a couple. The two recently won several polls on which new celebrity couple would be together the longest, but it was not to be. When asked fo...
Read full storyNigerian Passenger Has Explosion in Pants
A 23-year-old Nigerian has been taken into custody after having an explosion take place in his pants as the plane he was on was approaching Detroit and being subdued by passengers and crew. Apparently this was the first time the passenger had bee...
Read full storyPharmaceutical Company Develops Pill That Is Both Male Contraceptive And Treats Erectile Dysfunction
Squid Technologies, a Canadian pharmaceutical company based in Toronto, has announced the development of a pill that will fill duel roles. The small pill will act as both a male oral contraceptive and a treatment for erectile dysfunction (such as Vi...
Read full storyNew Device Changes Cellphone Talk To Klingon
Tired of the cellphones going off at the theater, during church, during funerals, in the next stall while you're tying to see if you can make a fart ring really loud in there? You need Cellgone, the remarkable device invented by South Korean scien...
Read full storyNick Jonas Not Dead, But Jonas Bros May Be
All a rumor needs to get going is for someone to overhear a remark and misunderstand it. For instance, a few days ago someone in an interview with reporters, someone asked the three Jonas Brothers what was the weirdest gift they ever received from...
Read full storyX-Factor Flash - Joe McElderry Asks Cheryl Cole To Divorce Ashley And Marry Him
PIMLICO, England - X-Factor winner Joe McElderry was in The Bitter Lime Tree Recording Studio working on his upcoming album when he was asked several personal questions. The first question was what is the first thing that he looks for in a girl. H...
Read full storyNigerian Nutcase
Nigerian Godfred Kofi was stopped at London Airport today when he attempted to travel on a transatlantic flight to the USA with a bomb in his underpants. We are all aware that nigerians are top of the league when it comes to advance fee fraud bu...
Read full storyTiger Woods Lawyers Force Him To Enter Rehab On His Birthday
YUMA, Arizona - Tiger Woods turned 34 on Wednesday, December 30. And for his birthday his attorneys drove him to Yuma, Arizona, where he was registered into The Prickly Saguaro Cactus Rehabilitation Center. Alvin McFlannel and Max Greenbaum both a...
Read full storyPortsmouth FC Bankrupt?
In breaking news, we've just been informed that Portsmouth FC could possibly be declared bankrupt as early as next week. If these reports are confirmed it would be disastrous for the south coast Premiership club, famed for its fanatical and vocife...
Read full storyEmma Watson - Box Office Banker
Harry Potter star Emma Watson has been named Hollywood's most bankable female star of the decade. The 19 year old, who plays Hermione Granger in the Potter series generated an incredible $1.8 trillion dollars at the box office, but her agent, Skip Wh...
Read full storyAlex Ferguson invited to World Chewing Gum Championships
Manchester United manager Alex Ferguson has been invited to the World Chewing Gum Championships in Guam. Mr I Chew has invited Ferguson to compete in the speed chewing category after watching him chew gum faster than he has ever seen anybody chew...
Read full storyMedical Breakthrough! Airport Full Body Scans Have Effect "Similar to Viagra."
Washington, DC (BNSE): Officials gathered today to announce what they call, "A stunning medical breakthrough." Agencies, tasked with the safety of the United States mainland and passenger air travel, claimed that despite having little or no budget...
Read full storyWizard has magic darts
Simon Whitlock the Australian dart player who is known as the wizard has been accused of having magic darts because he keeps hitting his doubles at the World Dart Championships at Alexandra Palace in London. Sports reporter Dave Jones has been fo...
Read full storyGordon Brown attacks the "privileged few"
Today, Gordon Brown attacked the Conservatives calling them "the privileged few." He maintains that Cameron's party is only out to help the wealthy elite. He'd rather people remained with the Labour party - the party of the privileged expenses claims...
Read full storyKidnappers keep up Macca's diet
Los Angeles, California. LAPD officials have received further communications from the alleged kidnappers of CBS News readers two weeks ago. Police released details of one email sent to them that contained an open threat to starve their hostages if th...
Read full storyNew Years fireworks are banned in Pakistan, Iraq and Afghanistan, much too dangerous
Ahead of the New Year celebrations several countries have decided to ban fireworks and firework displays because they feel they are much too dangerous! In Baghdad there was a fireworks display planned but it has been banned because several childre...
Read full storyThe Year Of The Celebrity Death
Looking back at the past decade, there have been many memorable moments and particular years that stand out. Unfortunately, 2009 is likely to be remembered as the year of the celebrity death. The last year has seen the death of many of our favouri...
Read full storyNew "Super Mosquito" discovered in the UK
Scientist's and Health officials are horrified at the discovery of what they describe as a "Super Mosquito". This super pest was recently discovered in the Onion Store at the Glasgow University of Culinary Studies - and is causing concern amongst...
Read full storyObama Team Now Flip-Flppping on Underwear Bomber
It is now being reported that Prez O'bama, under water boarding pressure from Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld, is switching stories on the recent "underwear bomber" case. In a marked shift from all previous positions taken by the President, O'bam...
Read full storyThousands follow Twitterer as he attempts to lose his Virginity
A male chemistry student has caused outrage by posting updates on Twitter as he attempted to lose his virginity at Loughborough University in Leicestershire late last night. Matthew O'Grady a 24 year old from Bromley in Kent sent out a Twitter mes...
Read full storyControversial New TSA Regulations Have Passengers Sitting Tight
Mere days after a failed suicide bombing aboard a Detroit-bound civilian aircraft, TSA officials worked around the clock to come up with an instrument to detect explosive devices taped to the scrotum of suspected terrorists. The new instrument was un...
Read full storyX-Factor's '08 Winner Alexandra Burke Shows Off Her Bikini-Clad Body In Barbados
ST. JAMES, Barbados - Alexandra Burke, winner of last year's X-Factor, showed off her slim and trim body in six different bikini swimsuits on the beaches of St. James. The 21-year-old Londoner frolicked in the sun as she made sand castles and sand...
Read full storySusan Penhaligon, The 70's British Brigitte Bardot Says Botox Just About Turned Her Into A Chimp
LONDON - Susan Penhaligon a British film icon who during the 70s was considered to be the English Bridgette Bardot has cast out a warning to other women about the hazards of botox. Penhaligon who many also compared to America's Marilyn Monroe in h...
Read full storyAmy Winehouse Cancels Concert Because Her Brand New Double D's Have Too Much Milk
MANCHESTER - Amy Winehouse was due to perform a concert in Manchester's Magnificent Manc Stadium on New Year's Eve, but she has had to cancel due to an overabundance of milk in her brand new DD store bought mammaries. The much tattooed, pierced, a...
Read full storySecurity Personnel the World Over Get Boot in the Bum
The attempt to blow up a plane at the "secure" Detroit airport was the last straw. Time to say bye-bye to so- called security that keeps no one secure. Lately there has been a string of security breaches. In the U. S., two uninvited guests mana...
Read full storyElin Admits She Was Just PMSing When She Beat Up Tiger
Elin Nordegren has admitted that she was "just PMSing really bad" when she beat up husband Tiger Woods last month. Mrs. Woods said from her vacation hotel in Nassau that "I knew Tiger was sleeping with everything with a hole and a nice pair of tits,...
Read full storyBrett Favre and Aaron Rodgers Refuse to Play on Same Pro Bowl Team
Aaron Rodgers of the Green Bay Packers and Brett Favre of the Minnesota Vikings were both named as quarterbacks for the NFC roster in the Pro Bowl Game. The Pro Bowl is an all star game for the NFL players and traditionally takes place in Hawaii the...
Read full storyNew rival for facebook
Facebook has a new rival in the form of new social networking site "Davebook". All members of davebook must be called Dave, which is not that unusual really, as everyone knows a Dave. The founders of Davebook have been accused of being racist, ho...
Read full storyNew Year's Eve Eclipsed Blue Moon
The Cosmos - (Winter Triangle): Thursday night's partially eclipsed full moon will be the first New Year's Eve Blue Moon for nineteen years. At 19.13GMT it will straddle the winter sky in a trajectory cutting across the Beehive Cluster, Big Oil's...
Read full storyObama: "Systemic Failure" Led to Bombing Attempts
President O'Bama lashed out at US Security Agencies today, saying "systemic failures" at the agencies led to the widely publicized "underwear" bomber and Iguana Trumpeter terrorist incidents. Investigators authorized by O'Bama directly after the...
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