Thousands follow Twitterer as he attempts to lose his Virginity

Funny story written by Kent Pete

Wednesday, 30 December 2009

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image for Thousands follow Twitterer as he attempts to lose his Virginity
The very Blackberry used by pervert O'Grady

A male chemistry student has caused outrage by posting updates on Twitter as he attempted to lose his virginity at Loughborough University in Leicestershire late last night.

Matthew O'Grady a 24 year old from Bromley in Kent sent out a Twitter message on his Blackberry asking his followers to 'wish him luck' as he took 'Fresher Rachel' back to his room to, as he described to fellow Tweeters 'take advantage of her drunkenness'.

Describing himself as a 'manic depressive with food issues' O'Grady admitted to his 1200 followers that he believed he had finally found himself a woman to have sex with.

Many were shocked that he chose to use the social networking site to reveal something so deeply personal.

"The first thing I thought when I saw the tweet was that it was very sad," said online poster Caroline McGraw

"But then I thought, 'Who would tweet at such an emotional time? I couldn't believe it. Most of the men I follow on Twitter are usually the young, attractive, sporty type. Matthew initially grabbed my attention because he seemed so refreshingly honest. It is not often that someone describes themselves as a 'morbidly obese chemistry major prone to chilling mood swings and bouts of faecal incontinence'. I always found his Twitters funny though I am not too sure whether I was laughing with him or at him"

Mr O'Grady, who used the tweet name of "Fatty Matty", sent out a message at 10.50pm on Sunday which read: "Can't believe it. In my room with Rachel, a very drunk first year Psychology student who doesn't find me totally repulsive. May try to kiss her"

At 10:55pm Matthew tweeted: "This is unbelievable, it's finally gonna happen. She kissed me back, though I believe she thinks I'm James Corden out of Gavin and Stacey"

11:00pm: "I might not know the chemical formula for aluminium nitrate but I'm now actually gonna do it" (*)

11:05pm: "Am not 100% sure what Rachel just said but I think she has informed me that she is allergic to prawns"

11:08pm: O'Grady tweeted yet again, "Her bra has a picture of Jung on one breast and Freud on the other. This girl takes her Psychology seriously"

11:10pm: "Have waited so long for this moment though I feel strangely uncomfortable. She keeps calling me Smithy"

The by now possibly erect student sent out a further six messages where he appeared to debate with himself and fellow Tweeters the legality/morality of having sex with a semi comatose 18 year old who believed she was making out with a famous celebrity.

The advice Matthew received ranged from: "Whatever happens always remember you will have to live with your actions for the rest of your life" (Claire 32, Middlesbrough) to "For fucksake call her Nessa and do it before she sobers up" (J.Davidson, Dubai)

After a 10 minute interlude Fatty Matty posted his final Twitter of the evening, it read simply: "I did the right thing for me".

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(*) The chemical formula for aluminium nitrate is of course Al(NO3)3

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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