Man Bites Off Own Testicles
Blackburn, Lancashire, UK - Mr Derek Nutjob was undergoing emergency surgery earlier this evening as he reportedly bit off his own testicles. A hospital spokesman, Dr Derek Grabbyer exlained: 'There exists a certain medical condition known as Ar...
Read full storyRob Styles Kicked Out Of Newcastle After Another Abysmal Decision
Rob Styles, the joke referee, was thrown out of St James Park tonight, and given a police escort to the Tyne & Wear boundary, after incensing players and fans at the Newcastle v. Manchester City game. Styles, who clumsily and incorrectly gave...
Read full storyPakistani Man Makes Appeal To UK Citizens
Today a Pakistani man known only as Saafi appealed to UK citizens that if you don't know something, just ask. This feelgood message, reportedly from Southampton, was intended to cheer up the UK population in the grip of the credit crunch. If yo...
Read full storyZimbabwean Big Game Hunter Falls Down Hole In Hampshire
A Zimbabwean big game hunter, more accustomed to hunting wildebeest and lions came a cropper yesterday when he had to be rescued from a hole in a Hampshire field by police and the fire service. Clayton Le Moors, who was in possession of a a Kalash...
Read full storyPeasants Storm White House, Play Soccer with Swiss Guard
Villagers armed with sticks and pitchforks descended on the White House today, chanting, "Off with their heads!" Alarmed government officials huddled in the Oval Office, while the Swiss Guard was sent out "to deal with the peasants". Despite bein...
Read full storyGeorge Lucas To Film New 'Italian Job' Series Of Movies
Star Wars director George Lucas, has said in an interview that he is ready to start filming his new project, a rehash of the classic 1969 British film caper, The Italian Job. Originally starring Michael Caine as Charlie Croker, the new movie stars...
Read full storyGeorge Bush: The Scariest Halloween Mask of All-Time
WAPAKONETA, Ohio - Well Halloween is right around the corner. And the largest Halloween costume provider in the United States is in production 24 hours a day, seven days a week in order to keep up with the demands for the various costumes, masks, and...
Read full storySony withdraw game in case it offends Muslims
LittleBigPlanet is a new game that has been recalled for fear of offending Muslims. This is because there are two verses from the Koran in the background music. We are not told what the actual verses are, but they could say "Allah is great" for a...
Read full storyThatcher was Love Child
Under the current Freedom of Information Act, documents released today reveal that Margaret Thatcher was not the child of a simple grocer as she had us believe for her entire reign at No 10. She is in fact the illegitimate daughter of a minor membe...
Read full storyPalin Accuses Obama of Fraternization With Hitler, Stalin, and Mussolini.
Today is a press release (of sorts) Republican Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin made accusations that in the late 1960's and early 70's Barack Obama met with the three dictators in a secret conference that was held in the board room of the New Y...
Read full storyMale Voice Choir from sleepy village colliery wins MOBO award
Rhosgoch village in North Wales are celebrating today. Their male voice choir, formed from the miners of the local coal pit. Have won a prestigious MOBO award (Music Of Black Origin), category - Best UK Newcomers. A surprised MOBO audience watch...
Read full storyMichele Bachmann: Reduce Farming Costs by Feeding Cattle Liberals
Minneapolis, Minn. -- In an interview with a Twin Cities' radio station today, Minnesota rep. Michele Bachmann floated the idea of providing struggling American farmers with free feed and fertilizer consisting of ground up liberals. "It's a win/w...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus changes her mind and now admits she doesn't shower naked
Tween sensation Miley Cyrus has made a u-turn on a previous statement she made about showering naked. The stupid twat now admits that she showers fully clothed in a dark, windowless dungeon using spit and a scrubbing brush to remove her thick make...
Read full storyWinchester, Ky. Man Dies of Catfish
Longtime Firm Boy Restaurant catfish eater Randy Bill "Blubberbutt" Keats died Sunday, succumbing to the fat-and cholesterol-laden fried catfish/hushpuppy/potatoes/batter-dipped salad dish after a brave 53-year battle. "Sadly, Keats' family has a...
Read full storySpurs misery continues
Spurs worst ever start to a season has been compounded by problems on the training pitch. It has been revealed that target practice for strikers has been going extremely poorly. A barn had been provided on a two week loan basis to help the hapl...
Read full storyThe Great 2008 Presidential Dawg-Sled Race
Iditarod, Alaska - Oblivious to the impending avalanche predicted for November 4th, John McCain trudged on through the drifts of his campaign today. Delirious and frost-bitten, McCain rambled, "I love being the underdog. You know, every time that I'v...
Read full storyUFO mothership suspected behind theft of Jamaica beach
Kingston, Jamaica - (X-Files Mess): A massive 1,000 metre mothership was reported hovering over the golden shoreline of Coral Spring beach moments before 911 tonnes of high-grade tourist-ready sand vanished. Police sources in the island's northern...
Read full storyNew "Green" Tax Unveiled By Government
Fears about a new Government "Green Tax" became a reality today when Downing Street announced that it was to be implemented on November 1st, and on a national level. Stating that the tax was "fair and equitable", Chancellor Alistair Darling said t...
Read full storyGay cannibal chef sentenced to gourmand wing cell-share with Dennis Nilsen
London - (Ass mess): Former first Mr Gay UK winner and wannabe TV celeb chef Anthony Morley is to share a cell with prolific gay cannibal Dennis Nilsen in HMP Broadmoor's gourmand wing. Morley, 36, stabbed his lover Damian Oldfield to death and th...
Read full storyHampstead residents outraged as jailbird Hilton eyes mansion purchase
London - (Lurid Ass Mess): Residents of North London's Billionaire's Row are petitioning the Ministry of Justice to ban feckless LA jailbird Paris Hilton from buying the £50million Bishops Avenue mansion she is renting during filming of her pointless...
Read full storyNew Voting Technology This Fall From Homeland Insecurity
Philadelphia PA-- Voters going to polling stations next month may be in for some surprises. Homeland Insecurity has installed electronic touch pads equipped with the latest in nanotechnology and computer software. Many voters may wish to bring an a...
Read full storyAstonishing link between Nixon and McCain
The Washington Post has today reported on the unusual connection between Richard Millhouse Nixon and current Presidential contender John McCain. It seems that the disgraced late President has more than a few things in common with the senator from...
Read full storyAndrew Lloyd Webber To Pen Eurovision Song Contest 2009 Entry
Andrew Lloyd Webber, that creepy-looking bloke on the telly, has revealed that he is to write the UK entry for the Eurovision Song Contest, and is to help select someone to sing it from the millions of ordinary, unwashed, talentless individuals curre...
Read full storyMoses made up commandments, says archeologist
The ten commandments were faked by Moses, according to an archeologist who has discovered evidence to back up his claim. Moses was one of the most important people in the Bible, who was personally presented with two stone tablets, on which were en...
Read full storyEarn your Scouting For Girls badge
Scouts in the UK are to be taught how to have sex, for a new badge. Known for their ability to build things for badges, teenage scouts will be asked to demonstrate a perfect erection that must stay up all night. Eager Beavers who come early wil...
Read full storyEverton Bought By Space hopper Inventor
Everton football club in an official club statement read by chairman Bill Kenwright today announced that they have been sold to space hopper inventor Cat Deelybopper. Chairman Kenwright announced in a very camp fashion, "after myself and David Moy...
Read full storySachin Tendulkar To Be Installed As Indian Prime Minister
Indian cricket batsman Sachin Tendulkar, who broke the record for the most runs ever scored in international Test cricket last week, has been told he is to be made India's next Prime Minister, according to a rumour I heard on the bus. The diminuti...
Read full storyLewis Hamilton Penalised After Falling Foul Of More Obscure Rules
(Shanghaied) Lewis Hamilton, the British Formula 1 racing driver, has fallen foul of the FIA once more, after he was found to have broken several more obscure 'rules' during the Chinese Grand Prix in Shanghai on Sunday. Hamilton, who won the race,...
Read full storyBe Prepared
Baden Powel Inc, the organisation in charge of the UK Scouting movement is to introduce Sexual Health and Relationship advice as part of the general education provided at the Scouts, along side tying complex knots, using an axe and burning things.
Read full storyJerry Jones: How Does The Name The Coventry Cowboys Sound?
DALLAS, Texas - Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones was fit to be tied after his Cowboys team lost another game. The Cowboys who are playing without their starting quarterback Tony Romo lost to the St. Louis Rams 34 to 14. The Rams entered the game...
Read full storyTampa Puts A Dampa on 21st Century Red Sux Bad Imitation of Last Century Yanks!
From the apparent population explosion of those uBiquitous "B" bearing caps appearing on every other pointy head, one would think that the Red Sux of Beantown had been doing something extraordinary. You know like winning 26 World series, 39 Le...
Read full storyBoy Scout Rule: Wrap that Tool!
The century old British youth organization, the Boy Scouts will have a new merit badge to attain this year. Along with the usual virtues of the pledge, Be Prepared will soon have a new meaning. Head of the Scout Association Conrad Traception expl...
Read full storyThe Fox Network Presents: "The Wasilla Hillbillies"
QUEENS, New York - The Fox Network has approached John McCain and Sarah Palin about staring in a semi-reality quasi-situation comedy show named "The Wasilla Hillbillies." Genghis W. Frisbee a high-ranking Fox Network executive stated that since e...
Read full storyAnother Darling Takes a Flying Leap with Peter Pan!
Alistar Darling sounded like he was high on pixie dust as he tried to tell the British people that they could bring the dead tinker of an economy back to life by wishing it so! "OK boys and girls...if we all close our eyes and wish real hard reci...
Read full storySarah Palin Mocks Bellyaching Belugas! Republicans Will Be Extinct Long Before the Polo Bears and the Belugas!
Sarah Palin, energy expert and optimist on threatened species has adapted her get tough on the bears philosophy to the Alaskan Inlet Beluga Whale. Earlier this year Palin refused to allow legislation preventing the use of polo bears in the popula...
Read full storyColin Powell Endorses Barack Obama "Hold Your Calls We Have A Winner"
WASHINGTON D.C. - Colin Powell, former secretary of state under the George Bush administration has endorsed Senator Barack Obama. The Democratic party is viewing this as a fantastic move that will certainly help to generate more points on Obama's...
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