Peasants Storm White House, Play Soccer with Swiss Guard

Written by Justin Satire

Monday, 20 October 2008

image for Peasants Storm White House, Play Soccer with Swiss Guard
Peasants run the risk of being hung, drawn and quartered at this polling station on Election day

Villagers armed with sticks and pitchforks descended on the White House today, chanting, "Off with their heads!" Alarmed government officials huddled in the Oval Office, while the Swiss Guard was sent out "to deal with the peasants".

Despite being armed with state-of-the-art Swiss Army knives, the soldiers were no match for the mob, which erected a makeshift guillotine in the Rose Garden and systematically cut off their heads. The peasants then uprooted the rose bushes with their pitchforks and flung them in the general direction of the White House. When they began to kick the heads of the Swiss Guard around the lawns in a rousing game of soccer, word quickly spread through the Capitol that the peasants were revolting.

All the king's men were adamant that the elusive "Robin Hood" of voting reform, Sir Robert F. Kennedy Jr., is again responsible for fanning the embers of discontent across the land. Harkening from a long line of blue-blooded anarchists, Kennedy authored the incendiary and controversial Rolling Grindstone article, Was the 2004 Election Stolen, or am I Imagining Things?, which charged widespread fraud by many of those king's men and poll workers.

As Election day nears and unrest escalates, peasants have been warned by Sir Robert that they may have only a short time left before they once more "disappear" at the polls. The Sheriff of Halliburton, who has ruled the land since the king went on a Crusade, responded forcefully, calling Sir Robert an "alarmist" and "a rotten spoil-sport". Halliburton is reportedly up in arms at the anarchist's claims that peasants who are likely to vote "negatively" may turn up at the polling booth to find they no longer exist - or worse.

"So what if we knocked a few thousand miserable peasants off the list in the last election?" demanded Halliburton. "Does it really matter in the long run? Let's see how much it matters to Sir Robert when we stick his thumbs in the screws for high treason. That should put an end to his writing career!"

From a remote forest refuge in Central Park, Sir Robert granted an exclusive interview with Peasant Magazine, explaining that, "To qualify as a peasant - and to therefore possibly lose the right to vote and to therefore not exist - a citizen must fall into the category of 'poverty-stricken-and-desperate-for-change'."

According to the popular knight-errant, peasants who fall under this category and can expect to no longer exist after November 4th may include - but may not be limited to - people who have been listed as having lost their hovels to foreclosure, those unable to afford an ox-cart, therefore being rendered incapable of producing the required government-issued ID in the form of a driver's license, and random peasants who appear "dark-skinned or foreign in nature".

In the absence of the king, the Sheriff of Halliburton has called for an emergency measure to reinstate the feudal system prior to the election to ensure "equal opportunity for all poor people".

If the poor want their vote to be counted, Sir Robert insists, "The best course of action for peasants is to attempt to run the gauntlet and cast their ballot early to avoid being hung, drawn and quartered at the polls on Election day."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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