Written by Brancastrian

Monday, 20 October 2008

image for New "Green" Tax Unveiled By Government
This poor bloke's already reeling from a hike in road tax for this old banger.

Fears about a new Government "Green Tax" became a reality today when Downing Street announced that it was to be implemented on November 1st, and on a national level.

Stating that the tax was "fair and equitable", Chancellor Alistair Darling said that, in order to combat carbon footprints and ensure that no kittens would have to die because someone left their mobile phone charger on overnight, the "Green Tax" would apply to anyone who had anything that was coloured green.

People with gardens are thought to be those who will be worst hit. Those with lawns, shrubs, even a tree or two, would all be receiving demands through their letterbox within the first few days of November. Thoughts that a concession for people who have deciduous trees-that lose their leaves in the Autumn-were dismissed by Mr Darling, who explained that it wouldn't be fair on people who had, for example, Holly bushes, as they were green all year round, so the tax would therefore apply all year round as well.

Outcry from people with lawns was particularly evident, it is thought that the Government will levy a charge of 1p per every blade of grass in the afore mentioned lawn. Those that try to hide their lawns, or grow them in secret are, Mr Darling added, likely to be "severly punished".

Green car owners will also be hit hard by the tax, as will football clubs who have green as a predominant colour in their strips-Norwich City and Plymouth Argylle are two examples in England, with Celtic and Hibernian likely to feel the effect in Scotland.

People with the surname "Green" will also be subject to the new tax. Multi-billionaire businessman Sir Philip Green was a particularly vociferous opponent, saying that he "...had a massive lawn, three green cars and lots of trees..." in his garden, adding "...this will be almost as expensive as something in one of my shops..." The Green Party meanwhile, are expected to disband because of the cost of their name. Mr Darling concluded by refusing to rule out an military invasion of Greenland, adding that they were part of the "axis of evil" and, upon being conquered, would be expected to pay the green tax as well.

Claims by the Government that the tax is a fair one areset to be discussed on a BBC News programme tonight, however, it is thought that even the BBC will suffer as well, following an announcement that, as part of their Autumn schedule, programmes to be relaunched would include "Green Peter", "Strictly Green Dancing" and "GreenEnders". A BBC spokesman said "...all viewers of these programmes will have to pay the tax, it will go towards our junkets to Thailand and keep our reporters in wellingtons, so, whenever there is flooding, they can continue to stand in the floodwaters, microphone in hand..."

The wellies in question, it has been confirmed, will be green.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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