Thief feels sorry for building society and gets money back
In what some may think was a strange turn of events, a thief who used to rob branches of the Bradford and Bingley Building Society prior to the credit crunch turned the act of robbery on its head today. Well known, disrespected, unemployed yet ref...
Read full storyObama To Meet With Economy
Democratic nominee Barack Obama has announced he will meet with the economy himself even after the House of Representatives passed the bailout bill. "If needed, I will suspend my campaign to personally sit down with the economy." Obama went on to...
Read full storyParis Hilton Is Pregnant!
Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse from Nicole Richie pregnant well ladies and gentlemen we can reveal the lastest celeb to be pregnant which is no one other than Miss Paris Hilton. Yes people its true, well, not really, but Nicol...
Read full storyEngland Latest: Kazakhstan Pick Ten Defenders - Force Capello To Pick Ten Strikers
England go into their World Cup match with Kazakhstan at Wembley tomorrow knowing that their Eastern European opponents will be a difficult nut to crack, particularly as Kazakh coach Bernd Storck has selected ten defenders! Fabio Capello is well a...
Read full storyDrunks Proved Right
A recently released report into the stock market crash has found that spending your money getting pissed every night would've been a far more sensible thing to do than investing in the shares market. "Yes we were surprised" claimed report head Pro...
Read full storyVirgin Birth Confirmed: DNA Testing
Virgin birth has been confirmed. Scientists in Virginia used DNA testing to establish that a female managed to carry a fetus without any exposure to males. The pregnant female, known by the code name Tidbit, died under routine circumstances, and a...
Read full storyAlien Contact A Result Of Blackpool Man's Penis
A Blackpool man who has the world's smallest penis, is in the spotlight this week, as scientists prepare for what they believe will be the first organised contact with aliens from another solar system. Art Hurpint, 43, the owner of the tiny append...
Read full storyBush hears the case for nuking Iceland
Washington AC/DC - (Motherf***ers Gone To Iceland! Mess): UK Finance Minister Alistair Darling is in White House talks this weekend, trying to persuade President Bush about the merits of nuking Asses of Evil rogue state Iceland. "Taxpayers around...
Read full storyWorld Under Siege: Conspiracy or Coincidence? Only Obama Knows!
Washington, DC / Reuters - A remarkable, but sinister, series of events around the world seem prepared to propel the son of a drunken African goat herder and bigamist, into the planet's most powerful leader. With only weeks left in the US electio...
Read full storyKnights Templar stockmarket crash of 12 October 1307 will be vindicated
Rome - (Holy Shit! Mess): The Third Secret of Fatima will be finally revealed on Monday 13 October 2008. That is the view of Vatican astrologers currently doing a runner, emptying their JP Morgan bank accounts and heading for KGB safe-houses ahea...
Read full storyJohnny Depp Takes on Role in Pirates of Somalia
United Nations, New York - The UN Security Council today took the unprecedented step of appointing Johnny Depp to lead the fight against the growing threat of pirates off the African coast. With maritime pirate attacks increasing worldwide at an alar...
Read full storyChicago Plans School For Gay Students
The Cook County Board of Education realized with a shock this year that many students had no idea at all about how to be gay. In response to their grave finding, a new school, the 'Barney Frank school for Sensitive Enrichment', is to be opened whi...
Read full storyEd-E-torial 27: Maxim's "Hot" Politicians. John McCain Short On Hair And Cash!
(New York, NY) "Maxim" magazine has come out with its "100 Hottest Cabinet Members". Number one was Condoleezza Rice. And in a surprising turn, coming in at number two was Abraham Lincoln's Secretary of State, William Seward. (Washington, D.C) "The Washington Post" reported that the Presidential candidate most likely to quote from "Dirty Harry", John McCain, is still behind Barack Obama in fu...
Read full storyParis Hilton Buys Crayon Company
Expanding on her successful fashion and fragrance business ventures, Paris Hilton announced yesterday that she is buying the Crayola crayon company for its patented range of colors and existing marketing channels. The 3.7 Billion dollar deal ta...
Read full storyParis Hilton caught breaking into Arundel Castle
Arundel, W Sussex - (Ass Mess): The world's third most pointless stand-up peroxide act dramatically interrupted her London trip today. Paris Hilton was caught scaling the fortified moat around Arundel Castle, ancient seat of Albion's gatekeepers,...
Read full storyScientists Discover Secret to Male Libido
Scientists at the University of California have uncovered the secret to the male libido. After years of research and study, researchers have finally unlocked the secret to what attracts men to their partners, and the answer is astounding.
Read full storyTony Blair Replaces Palin on Republican Ticket
In a surprising and last minute change to the Republican bid for the 2008 Presidency, former British Prime Minister, Tony Blair was announced as Sarah Palin's replacement for Vice President on the McCain ticket. The transition from Palin to Blair wa...
Read full storyObama Takes on NRA, Says He Will Ban Guns from Military!
Ft. Dix, NJ/ Basic Training in Pine Barrens - Saying he wanted to learn more about the military, Barack Obama took 4 hours off from campaigning to take a compressed basic training course. Scoring 85 out of a possible 100 on the final physical and wri...
Read full storyThey're Getting the Band Back Together!
Madison, Wisconsin (The Badger Herald) - Ignoring an indefinite suspension that stemmed from allegations of severe misconduct, the University of Wisconsin Marching Badger Band has decided to re-form as the Band Formerly Known as the University of Wis...
Read full storyIceland Declares War On Britain
Iceland, that weird cold place at the top of the map, has reacted angrily to the banking crisis in which it has found itself, and has declared war on Great Britain. British Prime Minister Gordon Brown yesterday bluntly refused his Icelandic counte...
Read full storyShocking News - Japanese Don't Like Foreigners
Tokyo, Japan - "Don't come to Japan if you're a foreigner." That's the message from many Japanese hotels in a recent survey conducted by the Japanese Ministry for Tourism. "We don't have Gaijin (Japanese word for foreigner) and we don't want them...
Read full storyUnbreakable Cryptography Broken
Boffins at the Schmitt Institute, Berlin announced that they have broken the Unbreakable Quantum Cryptography system set up by rival educational institution, the Schmitt Academy, also Berlin. "After analysing the output from their 200 kilometre fi...
Read full storyBaghdad Stockmarket Booms as Investors turn to sand
In total contrast to the decline in World Markets the Baghdad Stock Exchange reports a huge rise in inward investments with dramatic gains on the Index as Investors and Commodity Dealers turn to sand. Iraq has huge reserves of sand which is cons...
Read full storyObama in "Fat Arse" slur
A bitter row between the Republican and Democrat camps broke out yesterday after a reporter claimed that while watching a Palin interview, Obama was overheard to whisper to the person next to him "Look at the size of her arse. It's huge. She'd never...
Read full storyMiddle-eastern Haiku
Ode to O If Osama been Obama and Obama been Osama 'den who been with yo' mama if 'dey both been in duh cookie jara?? If Obama pinned Osama 'den Osama pinned yo' mama 'den would Obama pin 'de tail on 'dat Ladin if he bin hidin' in a Afghan??...
Read full storyAmerican Tourist Shot for Sandals Faux Pas
An American tourist was shot and killed by anti-terror police yesterday in London yesterday after what police described as "a serious breach of anti-terror laws'. Tourist Hank Redneck, 57, was visiting the UK during a holiday with his family that...
Read full storySarah's Wink, Her Nod and a Palin Promise of a Blow Job!
The fellas back at the Shiftless Lightning Bar and Grill are still in disbelief. I kept them informed about my travels on the way to rendezvous with Sarah in Wasilla, my email to the campaign website of the Alaskan atavar to tell her that I received the wink. I informed them of the nod in the possible Presidential Ice Palace and they mocked me on myspace and made many facetious comments on fac...
Read full storyMcCain would buy bad homeowner mortgages
Taking a break from campaigning, Senator McCain said he couldn't resist taking advantage of some very irresistible deals. Cashing in on the cheap unwanted mortgage deals, being sold by failing banks worldwide, McCain has snapped up what he calls "...
Read full storyPalin Admits Husband Todd is her Biological Brother
Repub VPILF has been trying to convince the nation that hers is a very close family. The intimacy of the Palin clan just got a scary bit closer as the female Governor of Alaska admitted to that she and Todd have the same parents. The Palins app...
Read full storyBrother can you spare a billion? Fed lends to companies in emergency move
The mad orgy at the nation's federal currency printing press continues this week, as Congress realizes that the more money they give even to companies, the more that comes right back in taxes. When a condescending meek voice shouted from the back...
Read full storyPOW's PTSD: McCain addresses Nation as: "My Fellow Prisoners"
POW Repub candie John McCain had a post traumatic shock disorder flashback during a campaign stump speech. McCain addressed the nation as my fellow prisoners. He went on to attack the slope-headed savages imprisoning his captured comrades. In a...
Read full storyFührerator Arnold Schwarzenegger May Seek Emergency Session...with Richard Simmons
Johanny-come-lately California Führerminator Fumigator Governator Arnold Schwarzenjammer is expected to seek an emergency session of the California State legislature to demand they scrap the present balanced budget and jump on his oompah band wagon,...
Read full storyBush Under House Arrest to Prevent Economic Speech to the Nation
Americans and world citizens have lost so much money in the Bush depression, that a unanimous vote of sensible people has mandated that Bush be locked in the White House basement and not allowed to cause any more damage to civilization. Fortuna...
Read full storyDark Lord Rove Advises McCain to Claim Imaginary Interracial Child: Mulatto is the New White!
Karl Rove once bushwhacked John McCain with an imaginary interrracial child that stole North Carolina and the presidential nomination from this year's Repub Candie, a POW who Rove smeared as unbalanced. Always one to learn from the past, McC not...
Read full storyAIG gets an additional 37.8 billion to cover bar tab
New York, New York - The Federal Reserve of New York just extended an additional 37.8 billion dollar line of credit to the financially troubled AIG, after it was initially lent 85 billion dollars just weeks ago. The NY Fed deemed the additional 3...
Read full storyThe Dallas Cowboys Report: 'Pacman' Brawls With His Own Bodyguard
DALLAS, Texas - Adam 'Pacman' Jones of the Dallas Cowboys was involved in an altercation with Tommy Jones, (no relation) his own bodyguard, yes, his own bodyguard. The incident took place in Dallas in the bathroom of the swank Joule Hotel. Coach...
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