United Nations, New York - The UN Security Council today took the unprecedented step of appointing Johnny Depp to lead the fight against the growing threat of pirates off the African coast. With maritime pirate attacks increasing worldwide at an alarming rate, countries have been clamoring for the UN to mount a peace keeping mission on the high seas.
In a telephone interview from his home in Pirate's Cove, France, Depp told this reporter that he was honoured to be chosen for the role by the UN.
"At first, I thought they wanted me to be a celebrity Goodwill Ambassador, like Angelina Jolie, or something like that. So of course I turned them down flat. But when they said, no, you'll be fighting actual pirates, I jumped at it."
Calico Booty, UN Undersecretary for Old Doubloons, believes Johnny Depp will do an excellent job mopping up the poop deck created by high seas pirates.
According to Ms Booty, pirates are the scourge of the Horn of Africa. Asked where that was, exactly, Ms Booty quickly googled Horn of Africa on her Blackberry, and relayed, "According to Wikipedia, it's Northeast Africa, sometimes called the Somali Peninsula. I knew that, I just wanted to make sure."
Somali pirate Abdi bin Bluebeard graciously took time away from throwing 100 ferry passengers overboard into shark infested waters to be interviewed. Offering the interviewer a gold ring freshly severed from one of the castaways that didn't fit any of his three fingers, Mr bin Bluebeard spoke candidly.
"Aarrr, me beauty! I'm not exactly sure what the UN is all about, but if it's that same bunch trying to keep peace on land in Somalia, then we've got nothing to fear from them. I've said it Darfur and I'll say it again, Blue Helmets are eunuchs. Mark my words, we'll make salmagundi out of 'em. Aarrr."
Cockswain Khair ad Din was not so cocky. "I've seen pirate DVDs of all three Pirates of the Caribbean movies, Curse of the Black Pearl, Dead Man's Chest, At World's End. This Captain Jack Sparrow is not one to mess about. He's also really cute."
Cockswain Din added, "Don't tell Captain Bluebird, but I really like his eye makeup as well. We're at sea a long time, you know."
Captain John Drivelswigger has had up close and personal experience with pirates. "It was off the coast of Nigeria in 2000 and 5. We were carrying a shipment of fair trade coffee and illegal firearms when we were boarded by pirates."
According to Captain Drivelswigger the experience of being manhandled by pirates was traumatic for him and his crew.
"They were very menacing and merciless. They threw the crew overboard and stole all the cargo leaving me with just decaf. It was horrible. When I finally put in at port, I had to sit down with the arms dealers and break the news that I only had decaf to offer them."
Drivelswigger applauds the UN decision to sign up Johnny Depp to do battle with the pirates. "I wish him and his crew luck. He has a good track record at the box office, but this sequel might be one too many."
Undeterred, Mr Depp said he has already signed on Orlando Bloom, and Keira Knightley to support him. "Keira's crushed more skulls with her thighs than you can count," boasted a confident Depp.
"And as for Orlando, well his career is pretty much in the toilet since the arrival of Zac Efron on the scene, so he jumped at the chance as well."
The UN is confident that their pirate operation will succeed with Johnny Depp at the helm. UN Undersecretary Calico Booty stated in no uncertain terms, "We know he can do it. He's got to do it. We've already changed all the UN flags to the Skull and Crossbones."