Parents Horrified as Teen Fries Family Pet after All-night Jam Session
Tammy Jean and Booger McNulty, mother and newly-acquired stepfather of fifteen-year-old Albert Ray Bunt, Jr., sat helplessly by as young Albert Ray literally petted the family cat to death in a bizarre music-related incident this past weekend, accord...
Read full storyDeath of a Snowman
Researchers at Chiley University today released the results of a 5 year study detailing the effects of global warming on snowmen. The outlook for these heart-melting yard creations is glaringly grim.
Read full storyPresidential Health Crisis Averted: Unknown Object Removed from Bush's Ear
Doctors were mystified after removing an unknown foreign object from the President's ear. Doctors were puzzled by the unusual object and cannot determine exactly what it is or how it got in Bush's ear. Bush was also clueless and released no...
Read full storyThe Race is not Over Yet
Heads up, animal lovers, you finally have a presidential candidate you can whole heartedly support. Unfortunately, Trevor the Turtle has entered the 2000 presidential race.
Read full storyGas Prices Force Cut-Backs
After years of sky-rocketing summer gas prices, consumers have finally had enough. Many are just not going to take it any more, they are refusing to buy any more gas.
Read full storyJim Baker Receives Pardon from President Bush
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Jail - Since the death of Jerry Falwell, President George W. Bush has been looking for a new spiritual leader for America and the Corrupt Bastards Club. After sorting all his "facts," President George W. Bush wrote a...
Read full storyNew Hominid Species Discovered
Paleontologists in New York have unearthed the fossil remains of a previously unknown hominid. Carbon dating indicates an age of 68 million years; much older than the famous Lucy uncovered in Africa.
Read full storyBeauty on the Inside Myth Debunked
"Real beauty is on the inside." Well not any more, now that doctors can see inside the human body it is all too clear that real beauty must lie elsewhere. Researchers at Hardly University have sifted through thousands of MRIs, X-rays and CAT sc...
Read full storyDeadly Slow Internet Growing Hazzard
People are actually dying of boredom while connected to the most massive and comprehensive accumulation of data, communication links and entertainment in the history of the universe. Technology is advancing at a rapid pace and so is the speed of int...
Read full storyRalph Fiennes's mile high club hostess opens brothel
Sydney, Australia - (Ass Mess): Ex-Quaintarse air hostess Lisa Robertson has trumped her career-best achievement of screwing Ralph Fiennes in a mile high club incident earlier this year when en route to Mumbai from Sydney International.
Read full storyMicrosoft Bug Causes Mass Picnic
Redmond, WA (FP) - Micrasoft Corparation annouced today the findings of a possible deliderate bug that has disabled the spellscheck and grammer checks features of all micrasoft applicatoins. Thier is word that the company is deploying a first respons...
Read full storyNew Scientific Studies Show That Watching Gay Porn Makes Men Infertile
Yesterday German scientist Stefan Landheimer released new proof that watching gay porn actually negatively affects a man's fertility.
Read full storyPresident Bush: Fight in Iraq Essential to American Security
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - United States Coast Guard Academy, New London, Connecticut - May 23, 2007 President George W. Bush made a speech at the United States Coast Guard Academy.
Read full storyBong Hits 4 Incest! as Creationist Museum hails Cain's Mormon marriage to sisters
Petersburgh, Kentucky - (Ass Mess): Global anti-Biblical humbug pressure group Bong Hits 4 Incest! has staged a demonstration in Petersburg today outside the latest Creationist Museum to open to the witless and gullible American public.
Read full storyAnti-Iraq War movement in U.S. calls it quits
It's Memorial Day in the U.S. Millions of Americans are celebrating by burning gasoline and barbecue lighter fluid. Tens of thousands of U.S. troops are occupying Iraq to secure its oil. Democrats in Congress have abjectly surrendered to Bush&#...
Read full storyResponse to Roy on YouTube
Hi there you all. This here is Billy Bob. My good friend Roy just made one o these here video thingys about that no good Commie Ron Paul. That there's fella with 2 first names whut's runnin' fer president. Anyway, this here Ron Paul guy, He's runnin' fer president, he said that them folks flew over and knocked over are bildings cuz we made 'em mad jus like ol' Roy explained.
Read full storyClover margarine pulled amid bird flu fears
Telford, Shropshire - (Ass Mess): The Dairy Crest Food (sic) Company has pulled over two million tubs of its slimy yellow margarine spread from supermarket shelves after fears that it is contaminated with bird flu.
Read full storyI'm Proud to be a Loyal Bush Supporter
I'm Proud to be a Loyal Bush Supporter (To the tune Okie from Muskogee)...
Read full storyBush, Rice Love Child Found
Tijuana, Mexico (FP) - President Bush and Condoleezza Rice's long suspected love child has been discovered living in a housing project in Tijuana, Mexico, officials reported Friday.
Read full storyGordon Brown Shot In London
There was pandemonium in London today when Gordon Brown was shot during a visit to a Marks & Spencer store in Oxford Street. Ambulance crews were called and Mr Brown was rushed to hospital, where his...
Read full storyShetty to sue Endemol
London (ass press) On the same week that channel 4 has been ordered to appologize to Sharpa Shetty, the glory of Bollywood cinema has announced that she has filed a law suit against Endemol for destroying her immune system.
Read full storyDead bodies to be recycled
Along with the mounting concern over landfill sites rapidly running out of space comes a new worry that the same thing is happening to Britain's graveyards. Even though over 50% of the population choose to be cremated after death, approximately 3...
Read full storyNASA love triangle astronut Oefelein faces extradition from International Space Station
Cape Canaveral - (Ass Mess): NASA is to send an FBI-reinforced extradition team to the International Space Station to deport space shuttle pilot William Oefelein where he is in hiding after lurid publicity surrounding the Lisa Nowak love triangle epi...
Read full storyFitzie slams perjuring liar in Libby sentencing recommendations
Washington DC - (Ass Mess): The Scooter Libby justice perversion trial's Prosecutor Patrick FitzGerald has slammed those who commit perjury "when they raise their hand and take an oath in a judicial proceeding or traditional Presidential swe...
Read full storySweden pulls out of Ms Universe contest after topless decision
Mexico City - (Ass Mess): Sweden has pulled out of Monday's Miss Universe competition after strict new guidelines in the pageant's topless category banned surgiaclly-enhanced contestants.
Read full storyLet It Bea! McCartney paternity probe dropped as Mills signs gagging clause
London - (Ass Mess): Paul McCartney and Heather Mills have buried the hatchet today about the paternity of their baby daughter Beatrice who was fathered by sperm harvested from California stud Larry Birkhead, father of Anna Nicole Smith's daughte...
Read full storyRolling Stones dump financial guru Prince
London - (Ass Mess): The Rolling Stones have finally dumped Prince Frederick Von Assfelt their financial manager of the last 37 years.
Read full storyHerewego, herewego, herewego! Glory days as Becks, Sven recalled for England
FA HQ, London - (Ass Mess): The England dream ticket of striker David Beckham and coach Sven Goran Ericksson has been recalled after FA bosses admitted they got it wrong by tossing out the pair for failing in two consecutive World Cup bids.
Read full storyWild Things Are Mistaken For Space Visitors
The truth about the mystery of crop circles is out. For we can reveal that they have nothing to do with extra-terrestrial visitors but more to do with a group of pole dancers from Gloucester.
Read full storyBeefy Botham Slams His Knighthood
Ian Beefy Botham is to be made a "Sir" in the forthcoming honours list and in characteristic fashion, the beer-swilling pot-head is hopping mad despite his good news.
Read full storyDamien Hirst In Trouble Over His Latest Artistic Undertaking
This year's Turner Prize will have to do without former winner Damien Hirst, but that hasn't stopped the artist from unveiling two new pieces of work ahead of the competition.
Read full storyRosie O'Donnell Leaves The View Early for the WWWF's Friday Night Smack Down
Hollywood, California - In a prepared statement to the media, ABC announced today that Rosie O'Donnell would not be returning to the View. It was at her request to be released from her one-year contract just short a few weeks of it expiring in mi...
Read full storyRosie O'Donnell To Jerry Springer: I Want Your Job!
Hollywood, California - Rosie has openly expressed, while live on The View, an interest in in hosting The Price is Right, but Bob Barker already gave it to some else. Now off The View and still no takers, Rosie appears desperate for a new show to hos...
Read full storyExtraterrestrial Aliens Cross Border
In recent years there have been fewer sightings of unidentified flying objects, or UFOs in the United States. Just the opposite is true in Mexico, where there has been a phenomenal increase in UFO sightings over the past twenty years. A current mem...
Read full storyO.J. Simpson to Promote Ginsu Knives
A spokesperson from the Ginsu knife company announced yesterday that former professional football superstar and double murder defendant O. J. Simpson has signed a contract to do a series of infomercials to be seen on late night television.
Read full storyJimmy Carter Angry Over Bush Honor
An angry Jimmy Carter lashed out today at the current occupant of the White House, President George W. Bush, when he learned that Bush had been nominated for induction into the Ignoramus Hall of Fame.
Read full storyIgnoramus Hall of Fame Selects Bush as Newest Inductee
Despite the myriad negative aspects that have come to define the presidency of George W. Bush, one bright spot recently emerged. Dubya was notified last week that he will be officially inducted into the Ignoramus Hall of Fame, or IHF, at their annua...
Read full storyOlsen Twins Upset About Makeover
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, stars of the feel good, family friendly late eighties early nineties sit-com Full House, have announced that they intend to sue famed Hollywood makeover magnate Georgio Georgini for malpractice.
Read full storyParis Hilton Moved to Halfway House: Holiday Inn
Paris Hilton will be moved shortly from her cell in the Los Angeles Regional Detention Center to a halfway house.
Read full storyPrince Charles Changes Royal Title
In a shock move, Prince Charles has decided to drop his title 'Prince of Wales' in favour of the title 'Prince of Darkness'.
Read full storyBoy Shoots 1,151 Pound Wild Hog in Alabama Same Day Rosie O'Donnell Reported Missing in State
An eleven year old boy in Alabama killed a wild boar hog weighing 1151 pounds on a hunting trip with his father. The pig is reportedly larger than the famous Hogzilla of the state and is the largest reported boar ever.
Read full story