Dubai ruler in vast charity gift to himself
Deira Creek, Dubai - (Ass Mess): Shaikh Mohammed McTomb Raider, the Ruler of Dubai, has announced he has awarded himself a vast $10 billion charitable gift from sources not a million miles removed from the UN's Saddam Oil-for-Fraud program.
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Chelsea Flower Show bans 300,000 Corrupt Bastards
Royal Hospital Ground, Chelsea - (Ass Mess): Up to 300,000 suspected members of the Corrupt Bastards Club have been banned from this year's Chelsea Flower Show which traditionally marks the start of the London season when international CBC member...
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Saul Anuzis, RNC, and Corrupt Bastards Afraid of Cal-el
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - West Virginia - Cal-el tried to contact Saul Anuzis about his petition for keeping Ron Paul out of the Republican debates.
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Cal-el Writes Saul Anuzis
Dear Mr. Anuzis, I want to compliment you on standing up for your beliefs and doing what you think is right by setting up a petition to rem...
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Hillary Asking People to Choose Her Campaign Song on YouTube
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - The "Internets" - Hillary has sparked off a campaign to have people choose her campaign song for her.
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New Evidence Implicates Boy Scouts in Kennedy Assassination
New evidence, released by the federal government under the auspices of the Freedom of Information Act, point to the Boy Scouts of America as the driving force behind the assassination of President John F. Kennedy in 1963.
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Breast Size, Literacy Link Identified
Researchers in France have identified what they believe is a link between the amount of time women spend reading and breast size. Dr. Emile Goudeau, of the University of Paris headed the study, which stretched over the course of nine years and invol...
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Dolphins Warn of Impending Doom
It sounds like something from a science fiction movie. Specifically it sounds like something from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, but this time it is true and fact really is a heck of a lot stranger than fiction. Dolphins are currently wa...
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2 Raped by Minister Awarded 11.45 Million Dollars
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - GARDEN CITY, N.Y - The largest judgement ever in a child sexual abuse suit against the Roman Catholic Church was awarded to a young man and woman who were repeatedly raped by a youth minister, I.M. Afag as teenagers starting in...
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Brits Celebrate Top Award!
English people are the lardiest in Europe - it's a fact!...
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Republican Party Hijackers Seek to Ban Ron Paul
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Washington, D.C. - The RNC (Republican National Committee) has launched a campaign to remove Ron Paul from the Republican Debates. They want to end democratic process and have the Texas Congressman out of debates and out of th...
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President Bush Says His Yacht's Too Small
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Washington, D.C. - Today, President Bush said that he could not end the War on Terror or the War in Iraq because he needs a bigger yacht. He doesn't want to be the laughing stock of the Corrupt Bastards Club.
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MySpace Bans Ron Paul
MySpace today banned Ron Paul from participating in the online service. New owner Rupert Murdoch said that Paul was bad for democracy. "Once people hear what he has to say, they like him," noted Murdoch, "and we can't have people m...
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Paul Wolfowitz Ponders New Career
As Paul Wolfowitz prepares to step down as the head of the World Bank, which is responsible for providing finance and advice to countries for the purposes of economic development and eliminating poverty, he is considering the following career options:...
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Hillary Clinton Changes Name to Hilary
The Hillary Clinton campaign announced today that the Senator is changing her first name from Hillary (with two Ls) to Hilary (with one L). Speaking this morning at a press conference, campaign manager Patti Solis Doyle explained that this change emp...
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Lily Allen Admits To Being Fat And Ugly
Popster Lily Allen, who is absolutely wonderful, has checked into a weight loss clinic after confessing recently to fans on her Myspace page that she was "fat, ugly, fugly and a worse crooner than Amy Winehouse".
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No Walking in Woking!
The rise in people walking has risen says, one walking expert from Woking.
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Jimmy Carter slams 'tosser' Blair
Washington DC - (Ass Messa): Former President Jimmy Carter has said that UK Prime Monster Tony Blair is a tosser for letting the Bush Administration write the world script as a major tragedy instead of the fatuous comedy of errors that it always has...
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Typo blamed for anti-nuclear fallout
HELENSBURGH, Scotland - Quakers at Faslane Peace Camp fell out with each other for half an hour.
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Government To Close Down Rural Britain
The Government is to announce plans to close down rural Britain, and to develop super eco-cities, each populated by upwards of 5 million people. The idea was that of new Labour leader Gordon Whatsisname
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Typo blamed for nuclear fallout
HELENSBURGH, Scotland - On the eve of Faslane Peace Camp's 25th birthday, Commodore Roger Andout of Faslane Nuclear Submarine Base released a press bulletin stating the peace camp's quarter-century presence was based on a misunderstanding ari...
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'Bokito' the 400-pound gorilla escapes Rotterdam Zoo; Critics say 'Knut' Controversy is to blame
Amsterdam, Netherlands - After going on a wild rampage through the Rotterdam Zoo, sending holiday seekers in a panic, injuring four people, biting one woman in the forearm, smashing the glass to gain entrance to the quickly emptied grounds restaurant...
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Gibson makes shocking revelation
"I'm Gay", revealed Gibson in an interview with a Coming Out Magazine reporter on Friday. "And so is Russell Crone. We've been banging each other for years!"...
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New Lybrel Birth Control Pill Promises No Menstrual Bleeding
Lybrel, a new birth control pill scheduled to go on the market this summer, has promised that users will never experience menstrual bleeding or any of the other bad effects of the menstrual cycle. The pill will be available from doctors by prescript...
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Panty Raid wins under the nimble hands of Edgar Prado
Baltimore - (Ass Mess): Edgar Prado's nimble fingers steered Panty Raid to a thrilling climax at Baltimore today.
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No State Funeral for Old Fatty Mountbatten
London - (Rotters): Whitehall mandarins have confirmed today that there are no plans on giving Old Fatty Mountbatten a state funeral despite years of grovelling by successive UK Prime Monsters who have promised heaven and earth just to get away with...
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