Man doesn't trust Donald Trump
Ray Worthington, from Mithering on the Trent, has told no-one in particular that he doesn't trust a word that escapes Donald Trump's gaping maw. He told us: 'So, anyway before the lockdown, I bought his Art of the Deal book, from a charity shop, j...
Read full storyTrump awarded Noble Prize for research into viral disinfectants and invasive light therapy
Scientists in Warsaw, Poland have awarded the 2020 Noble Prize for scientific research to U.S. President Donald J. Trump for advancements in the fields of internal viral disinfectants and invasive light therapy. The Noble Committee made the announce...
Read full storyTourettes Sufferers Concerned
Mr Alan Pembole, chair of the United Kingdom Tourettes Council, has expressed concern over his clients not being able to shout and swear in the street. "It's really hard on my clients at the moment, not being allowed to wander the streets sw...
Read full storyMan is on his second tube of Pringles
Michael Worthington, a solicitor from Mithering on the Trent, has opened the second tube of Pringles that he bought six weeks ago. 'I bought them in a panic,' said Smiley Mike. 'Other people were buying toilet rolls, and I thought, "what if I run...
Read full storySurprisingly, Melania Said her 50th was “The Most Amazing Birthday Ever"
(Washington, DC) In an unprecedented access to the First Lady, we obtained an exclusive interview one day after she turned 50, where she described what seemed to be the most romantic celebration ever, one where she was shockingly honored and treated...
Read full storySilly Woman Offended When Told She Should Feel Nuts
BILLINGSGATE POST: When in doubt, don’t say it. Elmer Smuckmeister, a retired farmer living in Beaver Crossing, Nebraska, now knows the Law of Unintended Consequences has consequences. Elmer was a hog farmer. He knew nothing about social nicet...
Read full storyMichigan State Senator Causes a Stir as He Wears a Confederate Medical Mask in The Senate Chamber
LANSING, Michigan – The Michigan state senate was thrown in a semi-uproar, when Senator Dale “Johnny Reb” Zorn showed up to the chamber wearing a medical mask that was clearly in the likeness of the Confederate flag. When asked why he would wear s...
Read full storyPandas Ready To Step In If Chinese Human Population Is Wiped Out
As China teeters on the cusp of a possible 'second wave' of the Coronavirus, it's been broadcast all over social media that, if the human population of the country is wiped out, pandas are ready to step in and take control. An expert on pandas sa...
Read full storyS&P downgrades President Trump from “unreliable - hold onto for the time being” to “batshit crazy – drop the motherfucker now”
The respected credit reference agency Standard & Poor has shocked the business world with a heavy broadside attack on US President Donald Trump based on his handling of the Coronavirus Pandemic. POTUS, with whom the business world has generally e...
Read full storyWuhan Now Surrounded By Wall
Wuhan, the Chinese city where it's thought the deadly Coronavirus originated, has been photographed by satellite cameras from space, and is now surrounded by what is thought to be, a tall perimeter wall snaking all the way around the city of 14 milli...
Read full storyAmerican Idol’s “Sing-at-Home” Show Was a Tremendous Success
HOLLYWOOD – The producers of American Idol are high-fiving each other, as their idea to have all 20 singers perform in the privacy of their own homes hit it out of the ballpark. The show’s host, Ryan Seacrest, said he was amazed at how smoothly th...
Read full storyPresident Trump Vows to Stop Asking The Press Conference Reporters to Ask Him Questions
WASHINGTON, D.C. – A White House insider, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said that she has never seen the president so upset, so angry, and so downright bat shit crazy as he’s been the past few days. The insider remarked that the president i...
Read full storyAlabama To Shut Down the Alabama-Georgia Border Due to the C-19 Pandemic
MONTGOMERY – The Alabama state senate, in an emergency session, has voted 97-3 to close the border between Alabama and Georgia. State Senator Ezra Follymuddle, told the media that it is obvious that the “Peach State” does not care about their peop...
Read full storyLevis Announces Edgy New Jeans Line to Pair With iPhone 12 Genitalia Recognition
(San Francisco, California) While many internationally-known clothing brands have maintained status quo production levels, Levi Strauss and Company’s top engineers are working to keep up with Apple’s latest announcement that the iPhone 12 will featur...
Read full storyStock Market. Latest news Headlines
Able Paper and Card fold. Dynamo Elevators coming down. Texas Rifles C.E.O. fired. Blaines Construction cement new deal. Forte Hotels put financial troubles to bed. Strombone Machines on the slide. Carson Fireworks explode onto the market. Gor...
Read full storyDorking East Parish Newsletter. (Covid-19) Edition.
Hello, one and all. Father Hacket here. It has been a trying time for everyone, hasn't it? The church hall hasn't been this quiet since Mr Fumble murdered Mr Lace at the 'Bring and Buy Sale'. I still maintain he could not have inserted that lamp s...
Read full storyFlorida Reopens Hurricane Beach
There was great excitement of the US right coast this morning, when it was announced that the Florida Beach Authority - the FBA - have decided that Hurricane Beach was to reopen next week. The beach has been closed to bathers, joggers, and those t...
Read full storyNashville Man Looks Coronavirus in the Eye and Admittedly Flinches
After weeks of nonchalantly boasting that, on a scale of one to ten, his concern about COVID-19 was zero, 33-year-old Logan Ward of Nashville, Tennessee, had a nightmare wherein he stared directly into the coronavirus’s 19 bulging science-fiction eye...
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