BILLINGSGATE POST: When in doubt, don’t say it. Elmer Smuckmeister, a retired farmer living in Beaver Crossing, Nebraska, now knows the Law of Unintended Consequences has consequences.
Elmer was a hog farmer. He knew nothing about social niceties. 80 years old, he had never married. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to, it was because he thought all the women in Beaver Crossing were too uppity, especially those who went to the Church of Perpetual Indulgence.
He had always had a secret yearning for the well-to-do widow who lived just down the street. Her late husband had died some years ago, leaving her a pile of money. He thought that she was a reasonably attractive heifer, as he referred to all them there critters.
A little concerned that she may have had something to do with the sudden death of her husband - the obituary said that he had a number of contusions on his skull - Elmer was somewhat reticent in hurrying his courtin’ of her.
Well, finally he got the courage up to ask her to join him for an ice cream on his porch swing.
He had her giggling like a schoolgirl as he regaled her with stories of pig belly futures and hog calling.
Olga, that was her name. She cooed into his ear, “You make me feel silly, again.”
Elmer responded: “If you wanna really feel nuts, put your hands down my pocket.”
Slim: “I would guess that was the end of a beautiful relationship.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. He could have been a contender.”