Nashville Man Looks Coronavirus in the Eye and Admittedly Flinches

Written by Chrissy Benson

Monday, 27 April 2020

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Unfettered by fear or germaphobia, Logan Ward emerged victorious from hand-to-hand combat with the coronavirus.

After weeks of nonchalantly boasting that, on a scale of one to ten, his concern about COVID-19 was zero, 33-year-old Logan Ward of Nashville, Tennessee, had a nightmare wherein he stared directly into the coronavirus’s 19 bulging science-fiction eyes and, admittedly, flinched - but only momentarily - before fearlessly wrestling it to the ground outside his neighborhood grocery store, where it would be slowly and methodically trampled to death by the steady stream of socially-distanced customers laden with toilet paper, frozen dinners, and potato chips, with any lingering remnants certain to be extinguished once the shoppers arrived home and, presumably, disinfected the bottoms of their shoes with bleach.

“Even though it was only a dream, I was forced to look deep within and summon all my innermost resources,” said Ward, who now considers himself a COVID-19 survivor. “And I saw very clearly that I have what it takes. I’ll carry that with me from here to eternity.”

He added, “Everyone’s talking about being at war with the virus. But what a lot of people don’t realize is that war sometimes requires hand-to-hand combat – with no sanitizer in sight.”

Ward noted that, in his dream, stopping to sanitize his own hands before grappling with the coronavirus was not an option. “Never even crossed my mind,” he said. “I’ve never been a fan of hand sanitizer anyway. That stuff is nasty.”

Neither did Ward wash his hands after dreaming of taking down COVID-19 outside his local market. “I’m not afraid to get my hands dirty or to let them stay dirty," he said. "Enough of this pansy-ass hyper-sanitization. Gritty and raw and real is how I roll. Salt of the earth."

Paradoxically, said Ward, following his vivid vision of bringing COVID-19 to its viral knees, he awakened with a sense of great peace and a desire to coexist with all other microbial and sentient beings. “Integration, not violence, is the only long-term path to peace in the ecosystem,” he said. “Along with halting our holocaust of farmed animals, which is where all these pandemic bugs tend to originate in the first place."

He added, “That last part is truly only a dream, though. People get all fired up about going to war with a virus. But peace? That's their worst nightmare." He grinned and shrugged. "But hey, I can dream, right?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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