(San Francisco, California) While many internationally-known clothing brands have maintained status quo production levels, Levi Strauss and Company’s top engineers are working to keep up with Apple’s latest announcement that the iPhone 12 will feature genitalia recognition.
Because of these times of uncertainty, Chip Bergh, the company’s CEO, revealed the new jeans line via Zoom (of course). Once he worked out the difference between dialing in and computer audio, Chip made the announcement: “Introducing the Levi’s 599 Classic Jeans with ‘The Flap’. It’s a design we’re very proud of, because it features a series of magnetic quick release closures that allow the wearer to open this integrated crotch flap from the bottom up with a single hand, thus exposing their genitals to their iPhone to unlock it.”
Chip confidently continued, “We spent many hours at the drawing board and taking a customer-centric approach in rising to Apple’s challenge. But, as the company who forced people to believe in the 90s that replacing a zipper with buttons for the fly was a good idea, we had a lot of deep experience with crazy, ground breaking ideas that will have customers shoveling money our way in no time flat.”
Chip then stood up and awkwardly maneuvered close to his webcam so that his entire crotch filled the screen. “As you can see, I am currently holding the iPhone with my right hand, and can single handedly lift the flap with my left,” he said, revealing his nether region to the online participants. Some on the Zoom call were not muted, as there were a few comments of “I don’t see anything,” and “Are you a Ken doll,” but most people seemed too dumbstruck to react. Mr. Bergh then held the flap aloft, to show how spacious the opening was to accompany many people of varying genital dimensions. He added, “And when you’re done, you simply drop the flap from your hand, and the patented magnetic closures ensure a tight, no muss/no fuss seal on the jean’s legs. Just when you thought there wasn’t much more you could do with what amounts to heavy denim sleeves to encase your lower region, Levi’s has raised the bar, or flap in this case, to new heights!” He then sat back down and opened up the video conference for questions from the attendees.
“What about underwear?” asked one participant. Chip was quick with a response, “We have partnered with as many underwear manufacturers as we could for them to develop a set of universal briefs that have velcro-integration into the flap, yet provide the same coverage you would expect out of regular underwear.” He then stood and lifted his flap again to show how his Calvin Klein-branded tighty-whities were attached to the flap as he had described.
Another participant asked, “Don’t you think these pants could encourage a new breed of sexual predator to take advantage of the flap when riding a bus, walking in the park, or visiting a retirement home?” Mr. Bergh countered, “Though we are concerned about the flap accidentally opening when close to metal objects, such as elevator doors and grab-bars on public transportation, this is America, and self responsibility combines with freedom of choice to maximize the consumer’s experience. I can’t control how these pants get used once they leave the shelf.”
Levis then turned the festivities over to Canadian band, Barenaked Ladies, who likewise performed remotely and opened with a modified version of their 1980’s hit, “If I had $1,000,000 Dollars, I Wouldn’t Have to Perform for this Lame-Assed Shit.”