Trump awarded Noble Prize for research into viral disinfectants and invasive light therapy

Written by Jas Guipe

Monday, 27 April 2020

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Scientists in Warsaw, Poland have awarded the 2020 Noble Prize for scientific research to U.S. President Donald J. Trump for advancements in the fields of internal viral disinfectants and invasive light therapy. The Noble Committee made the announcement Sunday morning shortly after informing the President.

“President Trump’s discoveries represent the cutting-edge in his field. His use of nanotechnology to enter a body and sanitize from top to bottom using a combination of light and disinfectants is nothing short of revolutionary. Perhaps only a germaphobe hotel owner would consider unleashing an army of tiny housekeepers to give the human anatomy a thorough scrubbing,” the committee said in a statement.

The President accepted the award with characteristic grace and humility.

“The fake news can kiss my ass. I’ve been awarded the Noble Prize by a very fine group of scientists in Poland. While CNN is spreading lies, I’m toiling all night in my basement laboratory, researching ways to cure the world’s most challenging diseases. You’re welcome, fake news,” the President related in an early morning tweet.

Holistic healers and wellness gurus expressed dismay that it took the scientific community so long to catch on to practices they’ve promoted for years.

“We’ve known since the ancients that allowing the sun to shine up your ass has a number of therapeutic benefits. Modern day practitioners call it ‘butt-chugging vitamin D.’ President Trump is the first to direct the healing properties of light to specific areas of the body,” said Dr. Anthony Moonglow, acclaimed online influencer.

In addition to the prestigious prize, the President is assured funding for his research for years to come.

“As a result of this new source of financing, my team and I are excited about the opportunity to expand our research into several new promising areas. Most promising is the field of viral vacuuming, where we direct powerful suction at viruses in order to draw them out of the body and prevent spread. We’ll be partnering with our friends at Dyson to develop this treatment and hope to start human trials in August,” the President announced.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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