(Washington, DC) In an unprecedented access to the First Lady, we obtained an exclusive interview one day after she turned 50, where she described what seemed to be the most romantic celebration ever, one where she was shockingly honored and treated with respect.
“You know how disgusted I am with Donald. I don’t like even holding his hand in public; I hate spending time with him because he is so mean to me, so my expectation of this half-century milestone was just to get through it,” she started. Taking a deep sigh, she continued, “But it turned out to be the most wonderful day anyone could have.”
Melania then went on to describe all that happened to cause such joy. “We went to a very private place in this huge house. Music was playing in the background. I had no idea he could hold a note, but suddenly I could hear his voice singing my favorite Ed Sheeran song, ‘Thinking Out Loud’, and then he proceeded to open a bottle of champagne.”
Slightly short of breath, she continued, “We slowly danced; again I was surprised that he actually has some rhythm, and then dined on butter tarts, Nanaimo bars, and a cocktail named ‘Caesar’, which was spicy and quite good. Full of food and high on spirits, he kissed me softly, and said there was something special waiting for me on my birthday.”
Now visibly panting, Melania’s voice dropped to an almost-whisper. “I entered his room and noticed it was impeccably clean, with new bedspreads and gold lamps for decoration. Suddenly, he caught me off guard by coming from behind and blindfolding me. I asked, ‘What’s going on?’ He didn’t say anything, just sat me down on the edge of the bed and started to unbutton my Ivanka-branded blouse. He reached in and began to explore my ‘kidney surgery’.”
We were feeling a bit uncomfortable with this very intimate description, but the First Lady suddenly turned angry and her voice rose in volume. “Then, a Secret Service agent entered the room, and said it was time to go. I snapped back, ‘go away!’ but he said we had to. The President had finished his morning of ‘executive time’ which is basically watching television and texting endlessly on twitter, and I had to get back.”
Surprised, we asked back to where. She simply stated, “Back to the White House, of course. I felt terrible leaving Justin Trudeau at Rideau Cottage in such a state, but the helicopter was waiting, and my asshole husband wants to give me a very beautiful card, because, you know, he is working a lot.”
We thanked her for taking the time to talk to us, and said we look forward to the next G-7 Summit so we can once again see the joy on her face.