Media Companies to Sue All Internet Users 'Just in Case'
LONDON, NEW YORK, & LOS ANGELES - Film, music and videogame companies have agreed to file a litigation case against all 1,407,724,920 humans with internet access, just in case they 'try something'. "We're just covering our backs here," said a...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Reveals Why 'Surprisingly' She Reached Out To Charlie Sheen
AVOCADO HEIGHTS - Miley Cyrus was having lunch with her father the former country music singer Billy Ray Cyrus at a local Tacos, Tacos, and Mucho More Tacos. She and her dad were discussing her future and in what direction she exactly wants it to...
Read full storyMan You're Talking About Your Heart Really Hate
LONDRES - According to informed sources to your subconscious, Alan Roberts colleagues hate you deeply. Hatred, directly to your unfathomable reason, Roberts is the seething spirit got the best promotion ahead of him. It is close to you, your scalp and your imagination back to the report, Roberts may consider a variety of ways to kill you can feel his anger burns. In his experience, Robert...
Read full storyLetters To The Editor About Evolution
Deer Sire, I have fallowed with incest the rebates in your margarine conforming evolotion and weather it is proofed or knot. My fuse on the martyr are quaint queer hand I veal mauved to shear what I considre to be viral norwich. Let me explane with an extraplanetary orchestration, to hallucinate my paint, witch Iey quoite forme a booke buy Herberret Bandicoute, the sciontist: If a man...
Read full story'The Happy Days' Cast Is Unhappy As They File A "Non-Payment" Class Action Merchandising Lawsuit
LOS ANGELES - The television sit-com Happy Days which was set in the 50s ran from 1974 to 1984, and in that time everyone on the Happy Days Show was happy. But oh how things have changed. According to reports which appeared in The Cucamonga Chit C...
Read full storyJennifer Aniston To Strip For Environmentalists
America's Sweetheart, Jennifer Aniston, will be doing a charity striptease show at the newly renovated Stripper's Museum on Hollywood and Vine. While this is quite a departure from Ms. Aniston's squeaky clean goody goody image, she feels so deeply...
Read full storyAlternate Voting (AV) reveals a startling fact about British voters
With the Yes and No campaigns for the referendum on the Alternate Voting system now in full swing, it is becoming apparent that the average British punter doesn't understand not only AV but also TV (Traditional Voting). "We've suspected it for a c...
Read full storyNOW! 49 [UK Edition] Released Day After NOW! 48 [UK Edition]
LONDON - NOW! That's What I Call Music (NTWICM) #48 was released today, however NOW! are planning to release #49 tommorow. "The times, they are a-changing," said the CEO of Polygram Records, "I think that was Cheryl Cole. Tommorow's sheep--- I mea...
Read full storyFuture News: Shopping Planet Developed
MERCATUS ORBIS - Earthic Colony Planet #12A, or, Mercatus Orbis (Latin for Trading World), has finally opened. Taking a record 21 months to terraform, and 2 weeks to lay powerlines, internet, docking stations, and buildings, Mercatus will be open...
Read full storyShower-singing broadcast by air traffic controller
Oklahoma City - Dr. Vonblight flew into FAA training headquarters from Pomona to address a public relations debacle today. He explained that several aircraft pilots, including one military, under the control of 'controller x' heard 'controller x' si...
Read full storyLiz Taylor White Diamonds Perfume Removed From Stores
With Dame Elizabeth Taylor gone, stores worldwide have finally been able to remove her signature scent White Diamonds perfume from their shelves. A top department store in London, as well as upscale stores in Beverly Hills and as far away as Ban...
Read full storySpoofer Stealing Your Food
THESPOOF.COM - According to CCTV evidence, spoofer Inhopeless has been stealing foodstuffs from his spoofer colleagues' kitchens. Many spoofers have reported empty fridges and cupboards after Inhopeless toured the entire world trawling for food.
Read full storyCelebrating The New Passover
The fire in a scrap yard below the M1 in north London which caused havoc for many motorists during a busy weekend when there were major events at Wembley as well as the London Marathon has aroused concern about the safety of having industrial units b...
Read full storyBiggest ever Spider fossil is a tiddler!
The biggest spider fossil ever discovered has been found in China. Yet it is a real tiddler! Evolutionists claim that the spider is a relative of the Golden Orb Spider, which grows to approximately 15cm. However, the fossil specimen is a mere 5cm.
Read full storyElisabeth Sladen to Return to Earth In Different Timeline
LONDON, EARTH-573 - After the terrible passing away of one of the planet's - nay, galaxy's - greatest sci-fi actresses, Elisabeth Sladen will be missed. However, because of a wormhole-temporal-flumple slip (WTFS), Sladen will appear in Earth-573,...
Read full storyPopulace Suprised At Existence of Anti-Abortion Group after Govt. Data Release
LONDON - As the Department of Health (DoH) loses a court battle to keep secret some details on abortion statistics, the UK public were surprised at who ordered the release. The court case follows an application by an anti-abortion group, the ProLi...
Read full storySong: "Dude, You Need to Stop Dancing"
I shall again explore my songwriting skills. No, it doesn't make me gay. Do not believe my dad. "DUDE, YOU NEED TO STOP DANCING" Dude! It doesn't make sense. I don't wanna think about it, You're great when you eat, fuck and sleep, But, I'm serious, because, Dude! You need to stop dancing, It's really embarrassing, You make the robot look like swan lake, How much more can the audi...
Read full storyWebster's Dictionary To Include "WTF" In 2012 Edition
New York - The highly respected Webster's Dictionary has announced it will include the acronym "WTF" in their 2012 edition. "WTF" which stands for "what the fuck"?" or "what the fuck!!!" is now used so commonly by so many Americans about so many t...
Read full storyRio Ferdinand stalker is a Liverpool fan!
Rio Ferdinand is being stalked by a perverted female Liverpool fan and now a judge has had to put a restraining order on her to prevent anything happening to Rio and his family. It seems that the female stalker, Mrs Scousie Ibru (name changed for...
Read full storyBeans Found In Aldi's Beans Tin
Mature Student Phil Yerboots, 36, from Swindon, got the shock of his adult life today when he opened a tin of his favourite 'Aldi's Own brand' Baked Beans and found nearly a dozen beans inside. 'I thought it was a joke at first, I wasn't amused at...
Read full storyWoman Starts Dating Service For Lonely Satirists
Ames, Iowa - Miss Mabel Normand, 33, has recently started a dating service for a class of people she says are "almost entirely left out of society" and spend most of their evenings watching re-runs of Monty Python, hunting down old clips of Peter Coo...
Read full storyNeil Lennon In Trouble For Returning Letter To Sender
Celtic manager, Neil Lennon, the man who received an unwanted bomb in his mail last week, is himself in hot water with Strathclyde Police this evening after putting the parcel back in the post in order to take the advice given out in the Elvis Presle...
Read full story'Hard up' Beckham plays softball in two minute Sofia Viagra ad
Los Angeles - His $5 million fee for a soft drink ad nearly got him a stiff neck from ogling the dusky Colombian beauty's ravine-like cleavage. The beachside footage premiered to US audiences last night - apparently with heavily pregnant wife Vict...
Read full storyLamb in Wheelie Bin
A copycat incident has occurred in Manchester where, following Mary Bale's disposal of a cat in a wheelie bin, a lamb one month old has been found bleating in a wheelie bin. The RSPCA have taken care of the animal, named Freddie, which is having a...
Read full storySpurs Fix Gunners Firmly In Their Sights
The latest news from White Hart Lane this lunchtime ahead of tonight's North London derby, suggests that Tottenham Hotspur have no intentions of allowing Arsenal an easy ride. As every afficionado of the beautiful game knows, the divide between th...
Read full storyKiller bees swarming in 'grim reaper' formation outside Queen's bedroom
London - A psychopomp of 'africanised' bees has been spotted swarming outside HM's bedroom window Palace sources reported today. Hellfire Club soothsayers fear the colony may be gathering in a traditional midwife-to-the-dying rite, sparked by unse...
Read full storyThe Discovery Institute want 'Science' removed from the dictionary
The Discovery Institute, having failed to have Intelligent (*cough* Creationism *cough*) Design taught in schools, has instead requested that the word 'science' is removed from every English dictionary. "It is an affront," said Bill Dembski, the n...
Read full storyAl-Qaeda Kate Middleton Dress Bomb Plot Uncovered
Security service chiefs say they have uncovered a plot by well-known terrorist group al-Qaeda to carry out a Royal Wedding bomb attack on the dress due to be worn by Kate Middleton. But, they say, the attack would have proved pointless, as the dress...
Read full storyCameron is advised, morning suits you sir
You know when something so British is happening when the Americans take leave of their senses and devour every last morsel of Royal Wedding news. Sometimes our American cousins appear to be more British than the British. And, the UK media is swamped by non stories. That wedding dress, the bride's mother wearing a hat, will she, won't she? The bride's father pays £4000 for a family Coat of A...
Read full storyPastafarianism demands to be included in the science curriculum
Pastafarianism has launched an appeal in the high-courts of Surrey in an attempt to get Pastafarianism taught in Science. "It's a perfect explanation of the origins of life the universe and everything," said Chief Pasta Bowl, Penny Tortellini. "Wi...
Read full storyHomeless Man Calls Balotelli: "A Tight Bastard."
It seems that Manchester City's Italian strike sensation, and occasional bad boy, Mario Balotelli, can do no right. Emerging from a Manchester casino in the early hours, the young Italian spotted homeless man, Thomas Trinder, 56, bedding down for...
Read full storySuBo beaten by frog in popularity poll!
Susan Boyle red scarf wearing fanatical loonies were probably annoyed today, after SuBo polled below Kermit The Frog in a pointless online popularity poll. The poll, run by Corrupt Really Asinine Polls (CRAP), asked 'Who do you love the most?'...
Read full story"Who ya callin a £1,000 tramp, Balotelli??"
Manchester - Canal Street's Premiership sluts are up in arms amid claims the Man City star doshed up a 'lonely tramp' with a £1,000 gambling bung. The bemused bagman was spotted outside the 666 Casino fingering a hefty wedge given to him by the £1...
Read full storyIrish Hate Housework, Survey Says
Irish people are either lazy or hate housework, according to a survey. The Organisation of Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD) looked at the unpaid work habits of 26 different countries and found that the Irish spend just one-and-a-half h...
Read full storyControversy at the World Scrabble Championships
Controversy has rocked the World Scrabble Championships in Milton Keynes this week. In the final game between Gary O'Lean and Petra Olium, Olium thought she was on a winner, knowing her opponent was left with a K, W and F, and she was a little over s...
Read full storyAlleged comedian Frankie Boyle to be the new voice of Sat Nav
In a unique press reception held in the form of a swearing-in ceremony, the alleged comedian Frankie Boyle has been announced as the new voice for satellite navigation systems. Popular systems Tim-Tim and Germain have confirmed that users can now...
Read full storyTaxi Cap Proposed by COSLA
Taxi drivers the length and breadth of the country are up in arms at a proposal by the Convention of Scottish Local Authorities that all cabbies should wear a cap and uniform to make them appear more friendly that they sometimes appear. The chairm...
Read full storyFighter Jets To Scramble To Combat Royal Wedding UFO Kamikaze Attack
Classified documents obtained by Skoob News International reveal that on the day of the Royal Wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton, fighter jets will patrol the skies above the capital to protect against kamikaze UFO attempts to subvert...
Read full storyGirls Aloud Back Without Cheryl
Girls Aloud have confirmed they are ready to record their next album without Cheryl Cole. The four less famous members, Sarah Harding, Kimberley Walsh, Nadine Coyle and the other one have admitted they can't wait around forever to see whether Cher...
Read full storyCancer-Causing Lightbulbs And Desk Jobs ... We're All Doomed!
Desk-bound office workers working under the light of energy-efficient bulbs are in serious danger of developing cancer, scientists say. Spend more than a decade behind a desk and you're twice as likely to develop bowel cancer say researchers at th...
Read full storyGermans Explode Myth For Being Humourless
The reputation Germans have of being stuffed shirts and not having much of a sense of humour has been firmly blown out of the water with the news that the German Office Chair Championships has been held for the third year in a row. 58 competitors...
Read full storyJesse James and Fiancee Kat Von D Reveal Their "X-Rated" Tongue Tattoos On The Oprah Winfrey Show
CHICAGO - Jesse James and his much tattooed girlfriend Kat Von D recently appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show where they each revealed about 40 percent of their tattoos. The inked couple who say that they love tattoos because it makes them feel superior to non-tattooed people told Ms. Winfrey that there is no reason for anyone these days not to have a tattoo as they have become very affordable d...
Read full storyTinsel Town Shocker: Justin Bieber May Agree To Join The Cast of 'Two and A Half Men'
HOLLYWOOD - In what many entertainment media experts are calling a fantastic move by both CBS and the creator, producer, and writer of Two and A Half Men Chuck Lorre, teen singing sensation Justin Bieber may be joining the cast of the number one tele...
Read full storyDancing With The Stars: Petra Nemcova, The Nicest Woman To Ever Appear On The Show Is Eliminated
HOLLYWOOD - One of the nicest celebrity contestants to ever appear on Dancing With The Stars, model Petra Nemcova, was eliminated along with her partner Dmitry Chaplin, no relation to Charlie or Woodrow. Nemcova, who has a pair of legs that rival...
Read full storyHugh Hefner Invites Demi Lovato and Wilmer Valderrama To A Big Bash In Honor of Demi Lovato At The Playboy Mansion
HOLMBY HILLS - Playboy mogul Hugh Hefner, who is soon to leave the ranks of bachelorhood, recently threw a big party bash in honor of Demi Lovato at the Playboy Mansion in Holmby Hills. Hefner said that he greatly admired young Lovato for the way...
Read full storySpace Shuttles Retire in Cities other than Houston
(Houston, TX ) The Space Shuttle program is ending and for some reason, none of the space shuttles will retire in Houston. There are shuttles going to New York City, Florida, Los Angeles and Washington. When asked about why the shuttles chose...
Read full storyArchaeologist Discovers Fossilized Bra
Madrid, Spain - Luisa del Rivero y Cuernavaca, a student archaeologist from the University of Ponce De Leon has made an astounding discovery which turns on its head all previous theories about prehistoric cave women. It has been a widely accep...
Read full storyMutants Contemplate the Disaster in Japan
Most of the world can't imagine what it's like to live in Japan at the present time. No one, despite their political leanings can't really argue that it is a great human and environmental tragedy. However, there is a small sect of Earth's population that looks at the tragedy with curiosity and even hopefulness. On remote islands scattered throughout the seas, living in exile, are real like...
Read full storyDepartment of Homeland Security Seizes Taco Bell
El Paso, Tx - Authorities announced today that the Department of Homeland Security has seized all Taco Bell locations across the United States. According to reports, the government will be investigating possible collaboration and provoking of huma...
Read full storyThose Unable to Attend the Royal Wedding
Excuses, excuses! From Rolfo Toiletto, Master of Ceremony for the royal wedding - the editor of "Crack" (magazine devoted to the lifestyles of the aristocracy) managed to secure a list of all those who will not be attending the royal wedding and their excuses. Here are some of them: Germaine Greer: "I can hardly support my tits these days let alone the drooping institution of marriage." Sir...
Read full storyPolice go in heavy handed over a bit of light humor!
Police in a small town receive a tip about a family allegedly manufacturing illegal drugs in their home. With guns drawn, eight officers surrounded the Thomas Kinkaid looking, ivy covered cottage and demand the occupants open the door immediately...
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