Masters heading for a dramatic conclusion
Little do the competitors know, but the final day of the Masters is set to be the most dramatic yet. Ordinarily, the final day of the Masters is as dull as every other day, with the competitors from all over the golfing world, knocking their littl...Read full story
My heart weeps for Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne
My heart doth weep for Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne and their HUGE taxt debt. If you believe the above then you will believe that it's really ME on my profile picture. For crying out loud and louder still...who the hell gives a brass nickel or a silver penny about their debts? They can easily pay the debt off with all the money and properties they own. Why is this newsworthy? Just MORE publ...Read full story
Jeremy Clarkson had an affair with mistress
Jeremy Clarkson had an affair with mistress That's all I read of a headline in a 'daily' today. Well, I thought to myself, naturally the affair WOULD be with a mistress, unless it was a fella. I didn't bother reading the whole article because, quite frankly, most of those so called 'celebs' are doing 'it' with anyone, everywhere, anyway they can these days. Don't kid yourselves. They'...Read full story
Nation in Shock as Teenager Helps
BIRMINGHAM - A teenager - those evil youths - was found to be helping within his community today. Rob Smith, 15, who is a teenager, and therefore a baby-eating monster - was helping an old lady across the road. "He came up to me," recalled Dais...Read full story
Helen Mirren Proves Funny and F--kable on Saturday Night Live.
Sir Helen Mirren, who rocketed to superstardom as "Orgy Girl #5" in the classic film "The Queen", made her American television debut on Saturday Night Live, where she proved to be just as f--kable as she is funny! Make fun of Helen Mirren? How da...Read full story
More Begging Letters To The Editor
The effects of this most confusing condition are truly bewildering. So I am doubly grateful for your time and understanding today. I, for example, have the random dislocation variant of the disorder, but there are many other ways in which sentences may be mixed, transposed or swapped. Donations will be gratefully received and will help us to work towards the rehabilitation of sufferers. This is th...Read full story
What a load of rubbish - Bin police indeed!
Oh my! I couldn't believe my eyes when I read about Bin Police and Bin Inspectors in Britain. Fines for not closing the lid on a wheelie bin or for leaving bags of rubbish beside the bins. What the hell is the country coming to? I left England in 1982 - before the dawn of the Wheelie Bins, though I do have to work with one when I visit my mam and family every year etc. Back when I lived...Read full story
TEA Party furious over compromise
Within moments of a negotiation, between the president, and ranking Republicans, to avoid a government shutdown, the TEA Party went into full, overdrive, mode. According to TEA Party leader, Mr. Greed, party membership is in the process of filing...Read full story
Dear Fantasie's, Keyport, NJ:
Dear Fantasie's, Keyport, NJ: I write to you about the sign in front of your building. It is, in a word, disgusting. As the only strip club in the Borough of Keyport, I assume you have been cleared by the Borough's buildings department, so you must not be breaking any law, per-se, but that hideous, revolting sign, which looms high above your presence on Route 36, the busiest street in our B...Read full story
Spoofer Sleeping With Your Mother and/or Sister and/or Wife
BIRMINGHAM - News had emerged today that spoofer Inhopeless has been sleeping with certain female members of your family. The spoofer, who has been having affairs with those women whom you are close with, said that he was 'bored'. "Eh," he said...Read full story
Thoughts on Evolution, God, and all that malarkey!
Why would a fish like ancestor of man, a fish man not yet with eyes or with any concept of what it would feel like to experience 'seeing', then set out on the journey of evolving eyes which would not until the passing of many millions of more generations, eventually, and through nothing other than mere trial and error, produce offspring with 'eyes that do see'? If I desire something I don't p...Read full story
Helicopter hunters to kill feral pigs around Fort Worth
There are roughly 1.5 million feral hogs in the Lone Star state. Feral hogs prey on livestock, knock down fences and crap all over crops. Many Texans are fed up with the destructive beasts that are descended from hogs that were brought over by Span...Read full story
"Moondogg" Rap 'Sea Cruise' Soars to Number One on Charts as Sub Horror Unfolds in UK!
An obscure 'rapper' serving on Britain's star crossed Atomic Submarine HMS Astute (sic), finally got the fame he was looking for after shooting two crew mates during a 'meet and greet' photo op in Southampton! During the fast moving investigation...Read full story
Text made more interesting by banal typefacing
For years, publicist have known that randomly putting words in bold or italic typeface helps a story to look more interesting. But now it seems that the practice is becoming more widespread, particularly on spoof websites which rely heavily on user contributions. When surveyed, readers said that they did not find it at all irritating when certain words were highlighted in this way. Some even cl...Read full story
Alcoholic elephant's remains being dug up in Welsh pub!
A circus elephant who loved a "bevvy" ot two and was buried in the grounds of his favourite drinking oasis, a Welsh pub, is now being dug up. The elephant belonged to a circus and every time they passed by he used to "hang out" with the locals and...Read full story
Alien Abduction Rules Published
The National Institute for Green Goo Acceptance (NIGGA) has released guidelines on how to behave in the event of an alien abduction. Every year many people around the world are apparently abducted, and their main complaint is that they didn't know ho...Read full story
Fast And Furious Stars Quit
Exclusive Film News has just filtered through and it's a complete shock for the 'Fast And Furious' franchise. The extremely popular film series, now up to 'Fast And Furious 5' has consistently packed out cinemas over the last few years and looks s...Read full story
Guys! Have you ever wanted to lose that beergut? And have a bigger penis? Well now with the new Gut'N'Cock Exercise Thingamyjig, you can have all that. Through its stomach-o-matic gut-sizer it works off those excess pounds, while the dong-stretcher gives you the manhood you have always dreamed of. Have you ever wanted to lose inches, AND gain inches? Then the Gut'N'Cock Exercise Thingamyjig...Read full story
News International Apologises For Phone Hacking
News International has said sorry for the phone hacking scandal perpetrated by its Sunday tabloid News Of The World. The media group's director of communications Melvyn Bogdanovich issued a forma statement yesterday : "On behalf of all at News...Read full story
Rory McIlroy - Sorted - US Masters In The Bag
Irish golfing sensation Rory McIlroy is hovering on the brink of winning the US Masters open golf championship, in Augusta, Georgia, baffling the world on the grounds that the British are usually totally crap when it comes to genteel, refined sports.Read full story
Oprah Winfrey Meets With President Obama And Offers To Lend America $500 Million!
CHICAGO - Oprah Winfrey and her boyfriend Stedman Graham and her BFF Gayle King recently had President and Mrs. Obama over for dinner at Winfrey's Chicago Mansion Casa La Big O. The occasion marked Gayle Kings new five pound weight loss which she...Read full story
Britney Spears Denies Those Sexually Provocative Rumors About Her And Mel Gibson And She Reveals The Reason For Her Recent Weight Gain
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Britney Spears, who passed up an opportunity to appear in the Twilight movie series due to a bad case of tonsillitis, recently dismissed the sexually provocative rumors regarding her and her BFF Mel Gibson. Spears said that her a...Read full story
Police Forces Adopt New Speed Guidelines
Many police forces in England and Wales have issued new guidelines that allow their officers to use 'speed' or amphetamine to stimulate their senses and enable them to work longer. Police spokesman Detective Inspector Leo Thornton explains : "I...Read full story
Dundee United Chairman Favours Sanctions Against Rangers
Dundee United chairman Steven Thompson has called for UEFA to "use the full force of the law" if Rangers are found guilty of allowing their fans to indulge in sectarian singing. The Tangerines owner has bucked the trend by coming out against the G...Read full story
Rangers Boss Wants Fans To End Sectarian Chants
Rangers manager Walter Smith has pleaded with the club's supporters to end all sectarian songs. At the weekly press conference at Ibrox yesterday, Smith asked that the fans ensure that they sing all sectarian songs right to the end rather than fin...Read full story
The First Annual White House Garage Sale Nets $87,319
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In an effort to raise much needed capital, America's First Lady, Michelle Obama came up with the idea of having a White House Garage Sale. After running the idea past the leader of the free world, her hubby, President Barack Oba...Read full story
Serial Killer Pleads Innocence - And Skoob News Believes Him
Suspected serial killer, Alfred De Bundy has contacted Skoob News International as his execution date draws ever closer, pleading his innocence and appealing for help. De Bundy, currently incarcerated in the Upstate Federal Penitentiary in downtow...Read full story
How Come No One Wants To Hear My Bitter Rants? A Charlie Sheen-Related Editorial
The following is a special editorial by Verle Bunsen, Jr., an aluminum de-burring inspector at the Vectron factory in Elyria, Ohio. How come no one wants to hear my bitter rants? This Charlie Sheen guy, every time he opens his mouth a crazy rambling rant comes out, and they run it on the news every time. His clips get up to ten million hits on You Tube. Audiences are lining up to see his Torp...Read full story
£50 Million Striker Torres Insists: "I'm No Jaffa"
Chelsea's £50 million striker, Fernando Torres apparently confided to friends last night that an old episode of British sit-com, Only Fools And Horses was ruining his life. The episode in question revolved around used car dealer, Boycey, who, desp...Read full story
Grand National Winner Ridden By Alien, Claims Expert
Journalists were still baffled last night as they tried to understand how the UK's top horse race - the Grand National - was won and lost. As usual, there was terrific interest in the greatest event in the horse-racing calendar. The race lived...Read full story
Scientists Prove You Can't "Laugh Like A Drain."
A new report by top boffins says it's nonsense to suggest you can "laugh like a drain." Sociologists and anthropologists from the University of Maidenhead have carried out a five-year study that took them around the world. In their report, publish...Read full story