Written by Erskin Quint

Wednesday, 20 April 2011

image for Letters To The Editor About Evolution
The Fringe Paramotes Of Postillion & Hurbage Were Not The Final Answer: A Nackworthy's Bearded Dancing Fly Yesterday

Deer Sire,

I have fallowed with incest the rebates in your margarine conforming evolotion and weather it is proofed or knot.

My fuse on the martyr are quaint queer hand I veal mauved to shear what I considre to be viral norwich.

Let me explane with an extraplanetary orchestration, to hallucinate my paint, witch Iey quoite forme a booke buy Herberret Bandicoute, the sciontist:

If a man has a cart, drawn by a horse, and on that cart carries 35 barrels of tar, some red and some blue, and then at a passing layby, he is stopped to pour from his barrels, one at a time, randomly, into the 35 empty barrels of another man who has a horse and a cart and has stopped to wait for the first man with the 35 full barrels to come along to fill up his 35 empties, the second man is the next generation, it is that way given. The second man could be two men and the first man also two, or any number, it is not a question of the numbering of the men. It is the barrels that are key, and their content, in terms of coloured tar. They could as well be earthenware vases containing infected soils from Patagonia, or perhaps soaps and ironstone gleaned from the markets of Samarkand. Or hares, salted away for winter. This is not the crux.

What the effect of this procedure ultimately is, shows that there will come, eventually, a third man with a similar arrangement of empty barrels who receives his allotment from the second man. And then a fourth man, who is fed by the third, and so on and so forth. In time, and it could come at any time, one of these receiving men will drive away with 35 barrels of red tar. We are of course assuming that these barrels, of the supplier, never empty.

Now by the laws of secondary prolixity (deferred via Plombet's Algorithm) and probability arising, we can see that the chances of a man of the third generation, for example, receiving, say, 29 red barrels of the tar, is [(1/234):(n:23)]x9-(0.78), and that this defenestrates at a rate of 2*76 per extra barrelful as we move inwards.

Hence proceeds the variations which we term genetic rupture and which are crucial in the production of the variety we see around us at any moment (except at night).

I reveal shore thatch thice is toetwirley claire and proofs mie plaint furpectly.

Pole William's

Dear Sir,

I must write into your organ with my points with which to contribute to this most levitating debate. Here at the University of Newport, Isle of Wight, we have recently been conducting studies that are viewed as germane by those who are of that opinion. Many of these people have said that our studies are germane. These are the opinions upon which I base this judgement of our studies. Thus, I am not to be accused of having strayed too far from the fold when I venture the suggestion that our studies are perhaps somewhat germane.

We have studied a number of species under conditions of varying conditionality. Here, I will confine my citations within the confines of this letter, and go no farther. Indeed, it would be difficult in a letter of this nature to go beyond, as it were, its own confines, boundaries or what might be justifiably named its parameters. Within these parameters, then, and no others, I will cite the example of our studies in the propagations of Nackworthy's Bearded Dancing Fly, a species of Diptera exclusive to Mottistone Down on the Island of Wight.

Our data have provided significant indicators which I am able to share here. For this study, a series of tranches of data were taken. In the physical study, we had several trenches cut into the turf of Mottistone Down, and it was from these trenches that the tranches were sampled.

There was much debate about the best method to analyse the tranches. Over a period of several months, we laid these tranches longtitudinally, then horizontally, wove them backwards, and finally laid them in a series of sub-transitive coils after the manner of Dribbel & Harbourmaster's seminal 1976 study of the Hunkering Newt of Northern Finland. But this latter method, we found to manifest issues in terms of the internal coherence of the key dataset, and we were forced to continue our search.

Having rejected Coving, Lanyard & Queernape's method of covectoral asymptotic fraying in favour of Harbinger's analysis by stepped quartile wefting, we were then confronted by what seemed to be a critical error. This was only resolved when we abandoned Harbinger in favour of the fringe paramotes devised by Postillion & Hurbage in their study of the migrations of the Droning Mouse of Yemen.

We then faced the further challenge, namely, to derive, from the initial data arrays.......[that's enough, life's too short - Ed.]


Professor Hubert Trench-Litmus,
Visiting Professor of Archaeology & Natural Sciences,
University of Newport,
Isle of Wight

Dear Sir,

can anybody prove that evolution exists? I thought not. They are silent by their absence. One waits, and they do not come.

It is all quite simple. These people talk of evolution as being the great force that has created everything in life that lives upon the earth. OK. If it is such a great force, can they tell me why it is not even visible?

Where is it? Let's face it, it must be everywhere, and all of the time it must exist, if it is working through all life to make the world we live in. It must be in you and me.

But it is not there at all. Can you see it? Hear it? Feel it? Smell it? Taste it? Thus, if it's not even seen, and is indeed not even present in any form, then we don't need it to explain anything, do we?

Everything must just happen. Evolution is just another idea they have foisted on us, like monetarism, Noel's House Party, or Horsewoman of the Year.

Like those, things were happening long before we came upon the scene. Things didn't need our ideas and arguments to make them work.

This is why I have written to the Archbishop, and to John Tusa, as well as David Bellamy and the Keeper of The Rolls, though I have yet to be favoured with so much as an acknowledgement of my letters. These are prominent figures, who could help me to spread the message:

Wake up and smell the coffee cake before you have it and can't eat it. The world is a small place and the truth is even smaller if you blink when you look at a blind horse. Finally, let no man plunge asunder what we have set in motion this day, unless it be to cast to the forewinds the debris of political misjudgement. We have spoken and have not been acknowledged but our will is iron.

Yours faithfully,

Sir* Eduardo Nutkin (Esq, BA [Hons])
The Alhambra
32a Bingley Road

PS *Please note that the knighthood is my own, not conferred by visiting puppet monarchies who purport to rule these islands.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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