Report: Asshole Guy Is Actually a Shapeshifter, Turns Into Other Asshole Guy
BIRMINGHAM, ENG. - Social scientists at the University of Birmingham, have found out new information in the field of 'Douchebaggery'. The report entitled, How All Douchebags and Bitches Are Actually On Symbiotic Being, states that most douchebags...Read full story
Lowry saw dead people
Analysis of thirty of Lawrence Steven Lowry's paintings have convinced art historians that when Lowry painted Matchstalk men and Matchstalk cats and dogs he was actually painting the dead. The dead that only he could see. "We examined the time fra...Read full story
Study Shows 63% of Americans Complain About Everything
Six college students, who are attending Harvard University, conducted a survey across America and found that 63% of Americans complain about everything. The study was headed by Jessica Dearan, a junior at the school, who told reporters: "Throu...Read full story
Netanyahu Says Yes To A Palestinian State
Tel Aviv Israel - Netanyahu today announced his support for a Palestinian State as long as it had no borders, no army, no infrastructure, no capital city and no Palestinians. Speaking to Israeli media, Netanyahu said he fully supported the creati...Read full story
Americans Just Remember Wyoming Exist
For the last three years, 95% of Americans walked the streets of many American cities and lived their lives without a single thought of the state of Wyoming. The last time people thought about the state was in 2008 when the presidential election...Read full story
Saville Boost For Leeds Promotion Push
Great news for Leeds United fans tonight as Jimmy Saville signed an exclusive short term deal for his hometown club. The club have stuttered recently in their bid to achieve a second successive promotion and have sealed the deal for Jimmy to fire...Read full story
Ono Announces Street Fighter 5
Yoshinori Ono the producer of the Street Fighter IV series has today in Hokkaido announced a new sequel that will be released in 2012 or 2013. The move coincides with Street Fighter's anniversary which will see the series turn 25 years old and fo...Read full story
Japan Begs Americans to Stop Asking for Mutated Turtles
Japan - After numerous attempts to create "Real Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles," Americans are now asking Japan to do it for them. Japan constantly refuses the request to make them. In one letter, Cindy Jilop, who still works at Pizza Hut at the a...Read full story
Dundee FC Deducted Another 25 Points
Scottish club Dundee, who were deducted 25 points for going into administration in October 2010 and were also hit with a signing embargo, confirmed their First Division status on Saturday with a 1-0 victory away to Ross County. But the Scottish Fo...Read full story
Wenger Charged With Bringing Game Into Disrepute
Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has been charged by the English Football Association with bringing the game into disrepute after the 2-1 defeat at the hands of Bolton Wanderers. The result, which almost certainly ended the London club's chances of o...Read full story
Lennon Defends After Match Gestures
Celtic manager Neil Lennon has defended his after match gestures to the Rangers fans after the 0-0 draw this afternoon. Lennon was seen to put his hands behind his ears as he crossed the pitch in front of the Rangers faithful at the end of the las...Read full story
Man Found Unconscious in Red Kool-Aid Destroys Police Hope
San Antonio, Texas - Police arrived on the scene at the home of Lance Greegs after his neighbor called police because Lance has not turned up his crappy music, to the point where she could hear it from her living room, lately. Police entered his...Read full story
Shearer Stays Tight Lipped On Rumours
BBC Football pundit Alan Shearer is remaining tight lipped about rumours linking him with ITV sports presenter Gabby Logan. The former Newcastle United and England centre forward issued a "no comment" when approached by journalists outside the BBC...Read full story
Dr Who Fans say "Next Doctor, Please. Matt Smith has Gone Too Far."
A survey of 2000 Dr Who fans has revealed that they have very grave concerns about the current Dr Who. They find him unbelievable and not very in keeping with the traditions of previous Dr Who's. They also believe he's an actor. And not a proper...Read full story
James Dean's Car Continues Murder Spree.
The murderous Porsche 550 that killed legend-because-he'd-dead movie star James Dean -- which was believed to have been lost for 50 years-- has unsheathed it's merciless daggar of death, beginning it's killing spree again. Police say that the car...Read full story
NFL's Brandon Marshall Stabbed by Future ex-Wife: Injury Not Expected To Impede Receiver's Ability to Fumble.
Brandon Marshall, a wide receiver for the NFL's Miami Dolphins, is resting comfortably in an area hospital after being stabbed by his wife, say cops in whatever-the-hell city they live in. "Mr. Marshall is recovering from several stab wounds in th...Read full story
Want To Get Away With Beating A Family Member? Make Sure It's Your Child.
Sure, everyone knows that there's no better way to blow off steam after a hard day at the job than bashing your wife's head in with a meat tenderizing mallet. But coming home and donkey-punching the Mrs. is just going to land you in front of the same Judge who yanked your license last year. Now, New Jersey has solved the problem for everyone: Beat the sh-t out of your kid!! I am sickened...Read full story
Easter Bunny Furloughed In Order to Save Money
(Washington D.C.)- The White House announced that the new budget deal would furlough the Easter Bunny this Easter. "There's just not enough money to pay for all the eggs and jelly-beans." stated Speaker of the House, John Boehner. Easter generall...Read full story
Branson/Sugar Consortium Swoop On Dallas Cowboys
In a complete reversal of current business models, usually involving American investors like the Glazer family buying into Premiership football clubs in the hope of turning a fast buck, whilst taking over an operation which they have no idea whatsoev...Read full story
OMG! Kate's gone vegan!
London - Her lettuce and spinach salad has to be humanely stunned first, of course, before the thinnest smear of dressing sees it fit for eating. And now that Kate Middleton's legendary diet secret is out the public is being asked: should someone...Read full story
Venus Flytrap and other carnivorous plants for Kate's bridal bouquet
London - In a break with tradition Kate Middleton has chosen an array of flesh-eating flowers for her nuptial posy this Friday. A sneak preview sees Venus Flytrap (Dionaea Muscipula), exotic specimens of the pitcher plant family Heliamphora Chiman...Read full story
Stench of the giant 'corpse flower' sourced to royal bouquet florist
London - Fumes from the newly in bloom amorphophallus titanum - or the giant stinkhorn lily - have been traced to royal nuptial florists Belladonna Brothers of Barking. Named after Victorian era royal bicycle Lily Langtry, grandmother of Elizabeth...Read full story
Diary entry of 24th April 2011
Dear diary, My teen angst bullshit now has a body count. I've wrote a song about killing people. I've been in the news about killing people. I think it's seven... going on eight. There are people, lying in a pool of their own blood. Eyes gouged out... some of them... by the works of my thumbs. Others, have a bullet through the throat. One jock I killed by shooting his shoulder and the...Read full story
A Dire Warning To Prince William Before The Occurance Of His Ill Fated Marriage To The Commoner Kate Middleton!
The following is a letter recently received by his Royal Highness Prince Williams of England concerning his upcoming wedding to the commoner Kate Middleton: Dearest, most exalted, Royal Highness Prince Williams, It is out of the utmost duty that I write this missive to you before your day of marital conjoining with the commoner Kate Middleton. It is a duty not of a peasant from a colony war...Read full story
Rangers Maul Celtic 0-0 To Close In On Runner-Up Spot
Brotherly love was a commodity in distinctly short supply at Ibrox today, as Rangers hosted arch rivals Celtic in a typical Auld Firm blood and thunder, no quarter given or expected, encounter. The final meeting of the Glasgow giants this season.Read full story
'God' particle found at Easter? - now there's a coincidence!
Rumours are spreading around the science world following the 'leak' that the illusive so called Higgs boson, the 'God' particle, has been detected. The Higgs boson is a theorised particle which 'Big Bangs' use to form universes. Supposedly. All...Read full story
SuBo fanatics send her a bill!
Susan Boyle had a nasty surprise today, when red scarf wearing fanatical loonies sent her a bill for the quilt they gave her recently. "We need reimbursing for our time and materials," grumbled a quilter. "There's the material, thread, blessing fee, wear & tear on the sewing machine, wear & tear on my bible, transportation costs, sundry undocumented costs, my time, my cat's time for kee...Read full story
THAT Royal Wedding Dress! Photo-Exclusive!
Notoriously unreliable international news agency, Skoob Entertainment News, claims to have exclusive access to a collection of photographs showing THAT dress, being worn for the first time at a secret fitting. Yes, THAT dress - the dress everybody...Read full story
Britney Spears takes up lap dancing
Superstar pop princess, Britney Spears has tried her hand at lap dancing during an after show party for Lil Chris. "She was very good," said Chris Paul, who had watched the whole show. "We didn't know what to expect when the curtain pulled back. B...Read full story
Abbas Declares State. Refuses to include refugees.
The newly appointed President of Palestine Mahmoud Abbas has reissued his government's refusal to accept former refugees of pre 1948 Palestine as citizens in what will be the the newly formed State of Palestine. In an interview with Al Jazeera on...Read full story
Christina Aguilera To Appear In The "Sexually Explicit" X-Rated Movie 'Ohh La La - The Lady Gaga Story'
HOLLYWOOD - Christina Aguilera has announced that she will be appearing in the X-Rated Luigi Luigiani film Ohh La La - The Lady Gaga Story. The movie will be shot in location in Brooklyn; Milwaukee; and Helsinki, Finland. Christina who is still...Read full story
Amy Winehouse Who Was Not Invited To The Royal Wedding Will Attend Anyway As A Back Up Singer For The Rolling Stones Who Are Performing At The Wedding Reception
LONDON - British singer, Amy Winehouse reportedly was extremely dejected and upset at the fact that she was not invited to the Royal Wedding by Queen Elizabeth. Winehouse, who is considered to be one of the ugliest women in the entire United Kingd...Read full story
Baseball Bombshell: Cameron Diaz Proposes To New York Yankees Boyfriend A-Rod
MIAMI - Cameron Diaz, 38, the actress who recently stated that her biological clock is ticking so fast and so loud, that it sometimes wakes her up in the middle of the night has finally taken the life-altering leap. While she and her boyfriend New...Read full story
Texas Governor Asks Texans to Pray for Rain
Galveston, TX: This past week, Governor Rick Perry of Texas made an official proclamation for days of prayer for rain in Texas. The proclamation states that due to the drought Texas has suffered for months on end and the high winds and hot climate...Read full story
WR Brandon Marshall attacked by monster wife
Brandon Marshall tells reporters from his hospital bed that he loved watching old Frankenstein movies as a child and he fell in love with Frankenstein's wife, but he regrets getting married to someone whose features resembled the mythical character.Read full story
Prince William And Kate Will Make Their Home In Malibu, California
Malibu, CA - The royal newlyweds have just purchased a 20 room beachside home in California where they will live and raise their family, far from the cold, damp weather of England which they both despise. Prince William explained. "I hate drafts,...Read full story
Security is Getting Even Tighter Than Before
Pot found in man's suitcase has caused security to tighten up yet again. Early last week, George Holter was found transporting plants from Romania to the US. Laws and security have been tough on those transporting flora from place to place. The d...Read full story
Japanese Company Distributes "Glow In The Dark" Sushi
Toy-Sun Enterprises of Tokyo has started shipping their new product, Glow In The Dark Sushi, to distributors all around the world for comsumption in Japanese restaurants and sushi bars. The product is expected to be a hit with many diners who are loo...Read full story
Hanoi Jane Wins Reality Show Poll As "America's Favorite Traitor"
Jane Fonda, long called Hanoi Jane by anyone who actually remembers the 60′s in anything other than a drugged out haze, has been voted the top American Traitor in an independent news poll. The results of the poll, which will air on a new reality...Read full story
American Idol Secret Revealed: Former Judge Simon Cowell Runs "Vote For The Worst"
Investigative journalists have discovered that former American Idol judge Simon Cowell, who left the show before the beginning of the current season, is actually owner and manager of the website "Vote For The Worst." The website, which has been i...Read full story
F.D.A. Declares Kool-Aid A Fruit In School Lunch Program
Parents who look to their children's school lunches as a source of nutrition can now rest easy, knowing that their Federal Government (through the Food and Drug Administration) has declared Kool-Aid to be a fruit. The beverage will count as a full se...Read full story
White House Finally Admits Joe Biden Missed His Nap Time Last Week
Vice President Joe Biden has been catching flack in the media for falling asleep in public during a presidential address last week. In a press release, White House spokesman David Kronauer admitted that the V.P. was only nodding off because "he misse...Read full story
Amish and Hassidic Jews Get Into Brawl About Which Group Is More Backwards and Humble
Two religious groups squared off into an arguement that turned into a brawl as more than words were exchanged between groups of Hassidic Jews and Pennsylvania Amish. Fists and bottles both flew through the air as the two religious sects argued which...Read full story
Entertainment Laid On for the Royal Wedding
Prior to their departure for a two-week honeymoon in Blackpool the royal couple Prince Willam and Kate and guests will be entertained by some of the world's top perforrmers during their wedding banquet. On the list are: Satan; who will give a rendition of "God Save the Queen" on the didgeridoo, his favourite instrument. Bono and U2, blasting out some of their biggest hits including the...Read full story