It finally happened: To the 3 people in the world who give a sh-t, "Fugly Betty" and "Real Mexicans Have Curves" star America Ferrera is Entire-Burger-King-Value-Menu-Eatin' happy after longtime boyfriend Ryan Piers Williams asked her to be his wife.
But the request comes with a condition: America has gotta weigh less than America in order to get him down the aisle.
Ferrera sparked speculation she was engaged earlier this week when she sported a diamond on her huge, sausage-like ring finger at a screening of "Thinner" in Prague.
Like most of the nation, Pierced-Williams was impressed with America's performance in "Curves", but also had to seek medical attention once Ferrera stripped down to bra and gigantic granny-panties.
"I thought she was beautiful, and incredibly talented," lisped Piers Williams. "But, man, that underpants scene? It looked like someone wrapped a rhinoceros in a tablecloth. My retinas spontaneously detached."
Ryan began admitting to dating Ferrera in 2009, after she lost 65 pounds, although they started dating in 2006. Now, according to Piers Williams, America is just 125 pounds away from becoming Mrs. Ryan Williams Pierce.
"The minute she's down below 300, I am going to have someone really, really strong carry her over the threshold.