Both Of BP "Relief Wells" To Stop Leak, Hit Oil! Now There Are Three!
At this rate the amount of oil in the Gulf of Mexico will be larger than the amount of sea water. After trying for six weeks and in the middle of trying yet another way of stopping the leak, the BP Oil specialists were digging two relief wells tha...
Read full storyMr Blobby to Join Cabinet
Westminster Today - David Cameron today made an important change to his cabinet, when he offered Mr Blobby the post of Chief Secretary to the Treasury. The post became vacant when David Laws resigned over his expenses and his successor Danny Alexa...
Read full storyAll HR Managers To Receive Award
The Chartered Institute for Intentional Duplicity has announced its new Can't Be Arsed award, the CBA. The award is the successor to the not-so-successful "Success Through Bullshit" trophy, granted to HR Departments paying a minimum £750 bribe to...
Read full storyCharlie Sheen Blames Drinking Problem on Charlie Harper
Charlie Sheen has been handed a 30-day jail sentence for allegedly assaulting his wife on Christmas Day, and the couple has since gone public with the news that they are trying their best to undergo treatment for their individual alcohol abuse proble...
Read full storyNaomi Campbell Still In The Middle Of A Messy Trial, Feels Threatened
Defense lawyers are opposing the court prosecutors request that Naomi Campbell testify under oath in the war crimes trial against former President of Liberia, Charles Taylor. The prosecutors hope Campbell can help show evidence by displaying the b...
Read full storyBaseball Bat Sized WMD XXX Vibrators Intercepted By Home Land Security
Home Land Security Czar, Janet Napolitano, announced today that her agents had uncovered a plot to import Weapons of Male Dysfunction disguised as baseball bat vibrators. In a briefing from her Washington office she described the cache of vibrators a...
Read full storyTipper on Gore Divorce: Al's Carbon Footprint Just Too Heavy to Bare (sic)!
Environmentalists were shocked today to hear of the impending divorce of Al & Tipper Gore, poster-people for the safe the earth campaign which enabled the fabled inventor of the internet and the solar powered dildo to forge his way onto the list...
Read full storyAl and Tipper Gore Separate - Tipper Blames It On His Affair With Mother Nature
NASHVILLE - The man who invented the Internet has now put it to good use. Al and Tipper Gore have decided to separate after 40 years of marriage. The Gores sat down and wrote out an email addressed to friends and family letting them know that afte...
Read full storyTipper Gore Dumps Al for Real Inventor of the Internet
Sharing a warm and fuzzy "Adios" as they lifted a finger in salute to one another while leaving their residence in separate cabs, Tipper Gore, wife of the self proclaimed inventor of the Internet, has left hubby Al for true Internet maven, Tim Berner...
Read full storyIsraeli Jets Fire on Flock of Doves
Tel Aviv, Israel: International condemnation has followed an attack by the Israeli air force on a flock of doves flying over Israeli airspace towards Gaza that is feared to have left many of the birds dead. Humanitarian organisations and charities...
Read full storyCharlie Sheen Agrees To 30 Days In Jail For Threatening Wife With Knife At Her Throat Last Year!
According to the many headlines on the web this morning Charlie Sheen has agreed to serve thirty days in jail for his holding a knife at his wife's throat during the Holidays late last year. A spokesman for Sheen stated that he could have gotten...
Read full storyFIFA Scores Own Goal with Sponsorships
Campaigners believe that FIFA has scored an own goal by signing up sponsors that sell unhealthy products; they believe FIFA should have gone with sponsors who promote a healthier lifestyle. Coca Cola, McDonald's and Budweiser are partners or offic...
Read full storyFrontier Airlines Employees Care
I was downtown at the "Save the Animals not necessarily Our Jobs" airline rally and interviewed a couple of Frontier employees. I asked about how things were going with the merger with Republic and the general state of things. I met Jimmy, who works at Frontier Headquarters, and Captain Mike, a very senior Airbus Captain. "So Jimmy, what do you do at Headquarters for Frontier?" "Well, I used...
Read full storyFlyers Rights Answered
I caught of with Kate Haannii of flyersrights dot something and had the chance to ask her a few questions about Tarmac Delay legislation. Me: Kate, which part of the new Tarmac rules are you most happy with? Kate: When you board a flight and it pushes from the gate, the airline must feed and water you within 2 hours. That is crucial. People should not be expected to eat before they travel, o...
Read full storyKanye West, Snoop Dogg, 50 Cent, and Chris Brown To Form A Rap Band Called "The Louisiana Tar Balls"
HARLEM - Hip hop rapper 50 Cent was in Harlem visiting his favorite cousin Tyrone P. Blumenthal, aka 25 Cent, when he was asked if the rumors of a super rap group were true. The man known as 50 Cent, jiggled his neck bling bling, took out the obli...
Read full storyFabio Capello's English National Team Has Been Given Some "Ball Pointers" From Dr. Andy Harland
LONDON - Dr. Andy Harland is the designer of the new Adidas Jabulani football that will be used in the World Cup matches. Dr. Andy, as he is called by is wife and most of his kids, said that he actually worked on the football project with a crack...
Read full storySenior al-Qaeda leader 'killed' in Afghanistan
Al-Qaeda's number three leader, Mustafa Abu al-Yazid, has been killed, according to reports. It is the first time al-Qaeda has acknowledged such claims. It is believe he died as the result of an US drone - unconfirmed reports state that the draug...
Read full storyFederer bundled out by a hard-boiled Swede!
Swiss perfection has been beaten by a hard-boiled Swede in the French Open only to prove that there is still hope for others wishing to gobble up the "Precision machine". Roger was out-fought by the Swede, not only hard bolied, but set for revenge...
Read full storyThe Susan Boyle sculpture is saved
Susan Boyle fans, all over the world, are in celebratory mood tonight at the news that a sculpture of their heroine has been saved from destruction. The sculptress is delighted to confirm that her sculpture is intact and safe from harm. Sadly,...
Read full storyBalloon Boy's Dad Crosses English Channel
An American has just completed a crossing of the English Channel holding onto helium-filled balloons and popping them one by one upon reaching the French side to lower himself into a cushion of cabbages. The crazy American who did this was thought...
Read full storyAl Gore Blames Global Warming For Marriage Meltdown
Former Vice-President and Nobel Peace Prize winner, Al Gore, reveals how global warming caused the meltdown of his idealic 40 year marriage to Tipper. Linking climate change to the cooling off of his ardor for his wife, Gore claims that when he and...
Read full storyCage Fighter jailed im Morocco, now he's really "gonna" have to fight to save his bum!
Cage Fighter, Lee Murray has been jailed in Morocco for his part in the infamous Securitas robbery worth GBP 53 million. The Moroccan authorities refused to extradite the "Bandido" because Lee is Moroccan and they thought it would really teach him...
Read full storyAl Gore And Tipper Gore Separating! Is It Monica?
According to a message circulated among the Gore's friends and obtained by The Associated Press on Tuesday, Al Gore said it was "a mutual and mutually supportive decision that we have made together following a process of long and careful consideratio...
Read full storyEnglish Dismiss Claims American Crossed Channel With Balloons
Media outlets across England, including newspapers and television stations have picked up on a story that a man successfully crossed the English Channel by floating above it with an over-sized bunch of balloons. However, right after the initial landi...
Read full storyAl and Tipper Gore Separate: Al Begins Wearing Nobel Prize Around Penis.
The media was tipped off when Al Gore lost 30 pounds, shaved his retarded, Gabby Hayes beard off, and started wearing his Nobel Prize around his penis. Gore and his wife, hideous-faced record censor Tipper, were married for 40 years. Mrs. Gore...
Read full storyYay, A Grand Slam. Yay, My Team Is Here To Congratulate Me! Catch Me, Guys! Ow, My Leg Is Broken.
ANAHEIM -- Drunk a-holes around the country were able to say, "I tol' you that'd f---in' happen one day," after Los Angeles Angels first baseman Kendry Morales Morales broke his leg hile celebrating his game winning grand slam. Morales will underg...
Read full storyHe's Back: Peter Jackson Says His "Hobbit" Will Knock Fans For A Loop!
Peter Jackson now says that he will direct "The Hobbit" movie that's in the works, because Guillermo del Toro has exited and so have some others, including Gary Coleman who was to be in the movie. "This will be a Hobbit movie like none of the rest...
Read full storyNorwegian terror at Germany's win
Oslo, Norway. The capital city is under enormous tension following Germany's win in the Eurovision Song Contest. Bands of Nazi sympathisers from the fatherland have been running around causing trouble and a small group of them have been arrested...
Read full storyWorld Cup - "Prison break-ins out of control"
The Home Office has discovered that record prison overcrowding is not due to successful conviction rates but innocent members of the public breaking-in to 'bagsy' seats for the World Cup. Wardens have always allowed in a trickle of people to deliv...
Read full storyShocking Documents Left in Cab Cite Oil Spill as Only One of Brown's Departing Gifts!
A sheaf of highly classified documents left in a non English speaking cab in London allege that the rampaging oil spill is part of an elaborate 'going away present' from former Prime Minister Gordon Brown! The 500 page document, appearing legitim...
Read full storyHorror movie survival techniques
I am going to take some horror flick scenarios and offer survival techniques. These have all been tried and tested. I think that's how I'd handle the following situations and advise you to do the same: Premise 1 - Apocalyptic world, you're the only human survivor the rest are blood sucking monsters. You're faced with two problems-loneliness and/or destruction. The upside: it's cool to be one of...
Read full storyMouse genitals grown on human forearm
Following in the footsteps of the recent tissue-engineering breakthrough where a human ear was successfully grown on the back of a mouse, scientists at one of the US' leading Bio-Medical institutions have flipped the process entirely to grow mouse or...
Read full storyRecent Study: People More Likely To Pollute Ocean After Oil Spill
Ocean City, NJ- As if the New Jersey oceans weren't dirty enough, a recent study suggests that people are more likely to pollute the oceans now more than ever. "I see the footage from that Gulf spill and think, is my beer can really going to be th...
Read full storyHeskey In, But No Room For Barn Door Or Banjo
Emile Heskey has yet again conned his way into an England squad for the upcoming World Cup in South Africa. However, its not all sunshine and roses for Heskey. With the FA only able to afford a measly twenty three seats on the plane, there sadly w...
Read full storyGulf oil spill: BP calls for rival firm Al Quaeda to cap flow
BP is finally beginning preparations for a serious attempt to curb the massive spill from its leaking well in the Gulf of Mexico by opening negotiations with top level management of their rival terror organization, Al Quaeda. The firms tentativel...
Read full storySarah on Oprah: Suck My Toes and You Can Meet Andy!
In the shortest interview on record, TV Diva Oprah had to cut short a long awaited sit down with the Duchess of York, who admitted she was 'inebriated' after only one Mimosa in her dressing room prior to appearing before millions on US TV. A slig...
Read full storyChina bans evidence from torture; Texas may soon follow suit
Evidence obtained under torture cannot be used in China's courts, the government has said, weeks after a convicted murderer was set free because his victim turned out to be less dead than previously supposed. Laws banning torture are in place, bu...
Read full storyBosses Accused Of Causing Secretaries To Twist Their Asses
The new dance pad, where a secretary who gets tired of sitting and using the computer all day, can get some exercise and take better care of their back, wrists, etc. has been abused by many bosses say those secretaries. "Someone discovered a new k...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Can't Be Tamed
Walt Disney Company chiefs are likely to be concerned about the behaviour of one of their stars, children's entertainer Miley Cyrus (writes Olivia Sudden, "The Dirty Dish Who Really Dishes The Dirt That Won't Wash Even In The Dishwasher"). Cyrus...
Read full storyUS military rejects calls to 'go nuclear' and seal the damn oil spill
The United States military does not have the technology or sufficient knowledge of magic to deal with the devastating oil spill, its highest ranking military officer admitted on Monday night. Admiral Mike Mullet, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs...
Read full story32,000 Quit Social Networking After Nude Pix They Posted Show Up on UTube!
Protesting for "PRIVACY", over 32,000 narcissist social network users have quit the site after intimate and revealing pictures of graphic sexual nature somehow wound up on Utube. Said Tracy "Hot Lips" Sandowsky, from Asbury Park, NJ, a curvaceous...
Read full storyCapellos' not so magnificent 7
After much deliberation, The Italian, who looks like he's left his false teeth at home, has finally mumbled. He has named the 7 which will remain at home and have the luxury of watching the World Cup on their 60 inch LCD TVs, while guzzling a bottle...
Read full storyDuchess of York Sarah Ferguson May Sell Her Hair To Keep On Top Of Hair Raising Debt
Some say Fergie's debts amounts to 7 million dollars, and, after being caught ginger handed trying to cash in on her former husband Prince Andrew, Fergie is now rumored at looking for legitimate business money raising ideas. Forgiving Prince Andr...
Read full storyFinal Tweets from Slain Al Qaeda Leader Mustafa Abu Yazid.
Al Qaeda says dead leader Mustafa Abu Yazid, its No. 3 man and commander of its operations, who was killed with his wife, and three of his daughters, was a religious (!) user of Twitter.com, and Tweeted up until his final seconds. Yazid, an Egyptian national, is believed to be the first Al Qaeda member to use Social Networking. The Pentagon has released translated Tweets from the dead terro...
Read full storyTimothy Leary Returns as Video Dispenser of Goodies
New York, City, Soho. The Moody Blues remember Timothy Leary, "…he is on the outside looking in". The famous line meant that Leary was somewhere on the other side of sane, looking back at the rest of humanity. Leary got to that other side by cons...
Read full storyHit Moose Have It Out For Ted Nugent
Local Alaskan law enforcement agencies were shocked recently to learn of a plot by local moose to do in redneck rocker Ted Nugent during a concert here. The normally quiet, vegetarian moose have been in a tither since his concert posters were first p...
Read full storyGeorge Soros Bet to Obama: "You Can't Ruin US in One Term"
NEW YORK CITY - Recently, some have argued that Obama is completely, utterly incompetent and clueless, to include comments that infomercial pitch-men Billy Mays and "the Slap-Chop guy" would have been "a thousand times better." At the same time, fina...
Read full storyMemorial Day
Memorial Day is a US holiday observed every year on last Monday of May to commemorate US soldiers who died while in military service. We conducted a nationwide survey to find out what this historic day means to the people. Here is what people answered: Working professional - Finally, a long weekend! I am going for a vacation. Vegas, maybe? Blue-collar worker paid hourly - No money to be m...
Read full storyIsraeli Commando Sprains Ankle In Boat Fiasco
Israeli commando Yashmak Topol was today rushed to hospital in Tel Aviv with a suspected sprained ankle when a goodwill visit to a flotilla of aid ships in international waters went disastrously pear shaped. It's thought that the Israeli commandos...
Read full storyBees Descend on Wall Street, Get the Boot
A swarm of about 15,000 bees descended on Wall Street yesterday, startling New York natives and visitors alike. A New York Police Department officer, a bee expert, came to the rescue, "vacuumed" up the bees and packed them in a screened pen to be tr...
Read full storyJustin Bieber Says He Received A Very Flirty Text Message From American Idol's Siobhan Magnus
SELMA, Alabama - Justin Bieber performed to a sell out crowd of 40,000 at Selma's Cotton Balls Coliseum. Afterwards he was asked how his concert tour of the Old South is going. The Canadian born Bieber remarked that it is going great and added tha...
Read full storyMillions remember Dennis Hopper by watching "Easy Rider" high
VENICE, CALIFORNIA-Among the tributes pouring in for recently-deceased countercultural film icon Dennis Hopper, is one those close to him say he would have appreciated more than anything: watching Hopper's award-winning Easy Rider whilst in a sta...
Read full storyPresident Obama Says He'll Be Shutting Down The University of Arizona and Arizona State University
MEXICALI, Mexico - President Obama was in Mexicali, Baja California, speaking before a gathering of The Muchachos and Muchachas Maracas Makers Union of Mexico. He was asked by a reporter for The Mexicali Morning Serape newspaper if he did not feel...
Read full storyCar Boot Sale A Bit Of A Let Down
The inaugural car boot sale held in the grounds of Saint Juste The Same school in Frigghall On Sea turned out to be not quite the money spinning cash cow the organisers had hoped for. Mayor Sully Birdkrapp expressed his disappointment that only ni...
Read full storyBritain's Got Talent: Alesia Vasmitsel, A Pole Dancer From Surrey Struts Her Stuff
LONDON - A 30-year-old blonde from Surrey took the Britain's Got Talent stage and wooed the crowd as well as the judges. Alesia Vasmitsel, who works as a pole dancing instructor, performed her number and afterwards there were a lot of folks in the...
Read full storyLed Zeppelin Releases "The Worst of Led Zeppelin"
LONDON - After talking about it for years, original Led Zeppelin members Robert Plant, Jimmy Paige, and John Paul Jones have taken the advice of a 14-year-old fan, Miley June Suskington, who lives in Pimlico, England and they put together a collectio...
Read full storyGerman Führer quits amid row over military deployment into Czechoslovakia
German Führer Horst Koehler says he is resigning immediately, following criticism of remarks he made about German military deployments abroad. Mr Koehler had linked missions such as the Sudetenland and eastern Czechoslovakia deployment with Leben...
Read full storyPresident Obama Threatens to Resign Over Memorial Day Flap
"Enough is enough," said President Obama when asked for what seemed the millionth time why he wasn't at Arlington National Cemetery in Washington, D.C. for a Memorial Day Service honoring the country's military men and women. "I am damned if I do, an...
Read full storyBP to Duct Tape Oil Spilling Pipe
By now, all have heard of the Oil Spill into the Gulf of Mexico. After many months of arduous brainstorming on how to clean up the oil spill, a team of top government scientists have come to the conclusion that Duct Tape will, once again, be the best...
Read full storyTexas Board of Education: It's In There!
Texas -- Amid fierce controversy, the Texas Board of Education has finally approved significant changes to the state's education curriculum for the next 10 years, which could very well impact other states as well. "We opted for simplicity and frug...
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