Written by Funmania

Tuesday, 1 June 2010


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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I am going to take some horror flick scenarios and offer survival techniques. These have all been tried and tested. I think that's how I'd handle the following situations and advise you to do the same:

Premise 1 - Apocalyptic world, you're the only human survivor the rest are blood sucking monsters. You're faced with two problems-loneliness and/or destruction. The upside: it's cool to be one of a kind. This is why it's mandatory to work out people. Not only will you need bulging biceps to take care of these suckers but you also have to blind them with your sex appeal (not to mention that you have no time for laundry so you can forget about wearing shirts). Will Smith wouldn't have lasted more than 20 seconds in I AM LEGEND being fully dressed and with no muscles. Instead of finding a hiding place to sit out the remainder of your days, spend a lot of time running outside in full view (because you need to show off how good you look to somebody, even if their sole purpose is to exterminate you). Blood suckers are no worse then Central Park at night. If you aren't strong enough or dumb enough to get into a fist fight with a bunch of scary-looking creatures; however, you'd have to make like Harrison Ford in the Fugitive and fake your own death. I think that's the best option in this case, now find the nearest available sewage system.

Premise 2-Zombies roaming the streets looking to eat everyone's guts. Option one: Assume they're passionate about dance (and have ADD) and attempt to teach them the moves from Thriller. Option two: there is no option two. Basically pray they got rhythm.

Premise 3 - A big shark is headed your way with its mouth open and your name isn't Michael Phelps. Ok that's an easy one. It took about ten Jaws sequels for them to finally get rid of that mammoth thing they tried to pass off as a shark. Good thing in real life sharks ain't as large as the Carnival Cruise ship. Anyway, they shot at it, they harpooned it, they persecuted it, and finally they blew it to bits only to have its cousin return and wreak more havoc. Based on this I already have an idea of what works and what doesn't. The best option seems to be to blow it up so I'd go straight for the barrel of dynamite. I won't be naive and assume it's over though. Send out a search team to kill off its parents, second cousins and any other relatives that might return to your nearest beach in the future. Just remember it's not over after just one successful shark murder. Always assume its papa's coming after you. You live and you learn.

Premise 4 - Freddie or Jason type of killer who just won't die. This is similar to Jaws except the dudes just NEVER die. They're both already dead but seem to be susceptible to more deaths down the road; however, these "deaths" are only temporary and they come back to resume the never-ending cycle. No wonder some brilliant director made FREDDY vs JASON in the hopes that they would finally off each other successfully. I'm not sure if it worked yet though, we have to wait and see. In real life this wouldn't be too difficult because both Freddy and Jason had weaknesses. Freddy only attacks in your dreams and Jason comes out during Halloween or every Friday the 13th. Mark your calendars folks and get rid of your Tempur-Pedic! What's your sleep number? Definitely not 13! There, problems solved.

Premise 5 - Birds. No I don't mean vultures or falcons breaking down your door. I'm talking some killer pigeons accompanied by mockingbirds, parakeets and other members of this terribly harmful predator species. Again, don't be fooled by their innocent looks. These things can really poke your eyes out if you just stand there and let them. They're known for breaking windows, making holes in metal doors and other such random acts of violence. Solution: immediately drive to the house of the person you're attracted to and make friends with his mother. If that doesn't pacify the birds nothing will. If you're a blond don't forget to lock your competition (easily identifiable as a brunette) outside with the birds. P.S. stay away from phone booths!

Premise 6 - You just robbed a bank and are driving down a dark highway with a large pile of stash. You're tired and sleepy and of course there's a terrible thunderstorm. You come across a large mansion on a hill and there's nothing else available for miles. Icing on the cake is you see a suspicious looking woman in one of the windows. Go with your gut instinct and bravely make a reservation. This place has got to be at least 4 stars. Just look at the non-weird lonely dude at the front desk who looks like he hasn't eaten in years. You can't go wrong. As soon as you check in and establish that there are no other occupants at this "motel" proceed to take a shower. When you see a woman's shape behind your shower curtain keep your cool. You know her! You've seen her silhouette in the window already. Is she holding a knife? Uh-oh….call the front desk guy and ask him to call your mother.

Premise 7 - Alien invasion. They fly all this way to see us and instead of hitting the salons and setting the tables for a welcome party we amass weapons of mass destruction (which Bush has been collecting and keeping in his backyard for such an occasion) and start talking shit. Of course that might anger them but they'll also know we mean business. I'd put Bush, Will Smith and Obama in the front. While Will is kicking alien ass, Bush is raiding their spaceship for more weapons of mass destruction and Obama is bowing to them like they're Saudi kings and tells them all about the healthcare reform after they're done probing our bodies. In the end Obama delivers the same bullshit speech that helped him secure the election and they leave on a good note taking Bush with them.

Premise 8 - Steven Segal, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson are all on the loose in your neighborhood. I know it's not really horror but have you seen their faces? One is prettier then the next. Bronson aka gremlin scares the crap out of me. Plus he's waaay to cool. No one can be that cool when they're that ugly. They all look like they're pissed to be here. Segal is scarier then any blob because he can rip off your limbs without using equipment. These guys are also expert stalkers whom you can't shake off once they're on your trail. They're not the brightest fellows because they're like robots blindly programmed to do a job and not waver off course. They got a mission/assignment and that makes them more menacing then any of the above dangers. That's their Achilles' heel though. Your brains can outsmart these "machines" so use them wisely.

Premise 9 - You're stuck in another hotel with your husband and kid and are bored to tears. In this case you have to invite the scary situation because otherwise you'd die of dullness. To amuse yourself slowly drive your husband crazy until he starts chasing you around the house with an AX, screaming "Here's Johnny!" (on an off chance that it could be someone else). Keep your kid occupied by getting him a tricycle and full permission to ride around the house until he starts seeing things (like dead people). Enjoy!

In conclusion the most popular solutions seem to involve Will Smith and mother. Had The Beatles bothered to take a survey they would've known that All You Need is not Love but the two of them.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Movies, Horror

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