Queen Elizabeth Accepts A Cameo Role In The TV Series "The Vampire Dairies"
HOLLYWOOD - Well it appears that England's Queen Elizabeth has been bitten by the acting bug. The 84-year-old royal highness will appear in a two line cameo speaking role on the hit TV vampire series, The Vampire Dairies. The show's producer Ma...
Read full storyChiles and Bleakley in Stable Relationship
Popular TV entertainers Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakley are to host ITV's new breakfast show Waste of Space. Their partnership- they met in panto when she was the front of the horse and he was the back end-was famed for their not needing to u...
Read full storyMoat & Spy Swap Sensation
A remarkable connection between the hunt for Raoul Moat and the Soviet/West spy swap has been established. Moat is, in fact, a Soviet spy and Anna Chapman was his contact. They were lovers! The action Moat took after leaving prison meant the Sovie...
Read full storyCatholic News: Sperm Murdered! Man Arrested.
Father. Handyob of the Catholic Persecution Council said a man had been arrested in a dawn raid at a house in Derry. Catholic police were called after neighbours heard loud banging noises coming from the upstairs bedroom of the terraced house in O...
Read full storyRobert Pattinson Tells Kristen Steward About Date With Ashley Greene
"He sure hasn't been himself", stated one guy who has been a sort of unofficial bodyguard since Pattinson was almost ran over by a taxi in New york about a year ago. "He perked up when the Eclipse Movie thing was going on but he kept looking at As...
Read full storyGordon Brown, Sex Machine or Raving Pervert?
' I enjoy sex as much as the next man, or indeed woman.' These opening words seem strange coming from ex- Prime Minister, Gordon Brown. Yet, Gordon (as he insists I call him), seems relaxed discussing his sexuality, which is to feature heavily in his new book, due out later this year. We are more used to Gordon Brown tinkering with the economy and so initially I had expected him to be reserv...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan's Lawyer Says She Quit Because The White Bitch Is Just Way Too Flaky, Fruity, and Nutty
LOS ANGELES - Shawn Chapman-Holley, who up until today was Lindsay Dee Lohan's attorney, said she had to quit in order to keep from going crazy. Chapman-Holley shook her head and said, "Damn. Ya know y'all dis here Lohan loon sho nuff be one flaky...
Read full storyDr. Hannibal Lector Named Death Panel Czar By Obama
After waiting until Congress had adjourned, President Obama appointed avowed socialist, Dr. Donald Berwick, to oversee Medicare and Medicaid. Dr. Berwick, who advocates the redistribution of wealth to equalize health care, said he admires the Britis...
Read full storyThe Tanzanian Mosquito Which Bit Cheryl Cole Giving Her Malaria Has Been Found and Squashed
LONDON - Derek Hough, boyfriend of Cheryl Cole, gave her a bit of good news when he informed her in her hospital room that he has been told by the government of Tanzania that the mosquito which stung Ms. Cole has been found and squashed by a leader o...
Read full storyLady Gaga Admits That It's True - She Has Cottage Cheese Thighs
BROOKLYN - Lady Gaga showed some of her fans and passersby that she could also be known as Lady Gag-Gag. The famed singer was seen wearing a black studded teddy, with indigo black fishnet stockings, and midnight black Velcro suspenders that basic...
Read full storyObama and Berlusconi Close to Blockbuster Trade: Madoff & Lohan for Amanda Knox!
With everything up for sale, trade or barter, US President Barack Obama has said to have floated yet another human trafficking scheme, this time to Italy's beleaguered president Silvio Berlusconi. Following the hush-hush hurry up deal to get Anna...
Read full storyRaoul Moat arrested after being spotted going commando with Ray Mears and Bear Grylls
Northumbria - (Ass Mess): Bushcraft run riot? Justice fugitive Raoul Moat was caught after being secretly filmed taking a moonlit dump in the forest with fellow backwoodsmen Ray Mears and Bear 'Panda Face' Grylls. The men had bonded together yea...
Read full storyVodacomms ask Moat to pay his monthly contract or he's in trouble
Telecom giant Vodacomm has asked Raoul Moat to pay for his monthly contract or they will cut him off. A spokesperson for Vodacomm said "press 1 for payg, press 2 for monthly contract or press 3 to speak to someone in India." Newcastle steroid usin...
Read full storyPaul the Psychic Octopus' Tentacles Insured for $1 million each
Anonymous businessmen from Spain have taken out a professional insurance policy on each one of Paul, the Psychic Octopus' tentacles to the tune of $8 million total to ensure that no harm comes to them before the World Cup Final Match on Sunday. Al...
Read full storySecond in a Series: H&R Block CEO Russ Smyth Gets The F-k Out Of Dodge.
It was a bold, striking move that has never occurred before, and has absolutely shocked everyone: An H&R Block CEO quit. This time it was Russ Smyth, the James Belushi-lookalike and former President of McDonalds' Sh-tty Food, European Divisio...
Read full storyIf You Don't Break it The First Time... Alan Bennett Back As H&R Block CEO.
Proving that it is always a good idea to remarry your ex-wife, Alan Bennett, who served as Interim CEO of buggy whip manufacturer-slash-tax-preparation company H&R Block for ten minutes in 2008, is back at the helm. Again. "Good thing I d...
Read full storyPaul The Octopus: Newsworthy?
Seventy years ago Germany was threatening to take over the world. Everyone knows how that ended. Well the second coming is upon us. Paul the Octopus is gaining power, brainwashing the masses, and making (Germany 1:the rest of world 0)-like predictions. Can someone at least get this thing a mustache? Granted, the Hail Paul salute would be difficult to execute for those with but two arms but we'll m...
Read full storyH&R Block CEO Alan Bennett: "Ignore Richard Breeden's Hand Up My Ass, I Am Not His Puppet."
Richard C. Breeden, former Chairman of the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission and current Orchestrator of Evil as H&R Block Chairman, has forced the Board to rename Alan Bennett as CEO of H&R Block, the second time he's been CEO in 33 mo...
Read full storyDutch ban all "octopussies" because Paul predicts a Spanish win
In a final desperate attempt to tip the scales in Holland's favour all "octopussies" have been banned out of the country. Dutch aquariums and zoos have been ordered to either turn them into calamaries, chop their tentacles off or extradite them.
Read full storyHospital Patients to clean own Wards
The A&E department of Birmingham's new and prestigious 'Queen Elizabeth Hospital' opened for business last month. The £545million project is due to be fully open and operational by the end of 2011. A report today suggests that the new hosp...
Read full storyHealth Alert Issued As Heatwave Set To Continue
The Met Office has today issued a severe health warning as parts of the UK are set to see the mercury rise to a sultry 58 degrees Fahrenheit. The 400 page leaflet was produced amid growing concerns that a staggering 96% of British people fail to r...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Letters to a teacher from parents of pupils
Mrs. Amoree Limpert, who has taught at Newby Juniors for the past 30 years, recently published part of her enormous collection of letters which she has received over the years, from parents of her pupils. 1. Dear Miss, Can our Susan be exkuzed from p.e. today coz I'm not feeling well. from Mrs. Prior (Written in Susan's handwriting!) 2. Dear Miss Limpert...
Read full storyPaul The Octopus, Everyone's Favorite Bookie, Predicts Spain To Win!
Paul the Psychic Octopus, which has predicted six in a row now, has predicted that Spain will defeat Holland in the championship for the World Cup in Football! There was an immediate change in the odds of bookmakers everywhere. "You can't go ag...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Summer Pictures Wanted
It's that time again on the Isle of Wight for the residents to send in their pictures of summer. These can be any pictures that the reader feels represents a typical Isle of Wight summer. Last year's winner, Mrs Edith Whippersnapper of Newport, sent in a picture of the ferry capsizing in Yarmouth, something that summed summer of 2009 up for most of us, and was a deserved winner. This year, w...
Read full storyJedward Apologizes To Cheryl Cole!
After joking that if Cheryl Cole died, she would have a big funeral, Edward Grimes apologized before a group of reporters today. "I simply blabbed something that came into my head. That was stupid", stated Edward Grimes. "I apologize for saying su...
Read full storySuBo fanatics take emergency singing lessons!
Susan Boyle red scarf wearing fanatical loonies were today scrambling to take singing lessons, after it was announced SuBo is looking for a member of the public to duet with. Entrants must create a video of themselves singing 'Silent Night'. "It m...
Read full storyRobert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart Sell Their Vampire Sux Bar & Grill To The Dixie Chicks
HOUSTON - After being the owners of The Vampire Sux Bar & Grill in Houston for only three months, Rob Pattinson and Kris Stewart have decided that the restaurant business is not for them. Pattinson said that both are just too busy with their v...
Read full storyEnglish spelling MUST be made easier to keep people out of prison, according to one literacy researcher
A high number of "inconsistencies" in the way basic words are spelt makes it much harder for children to read and write at a young age, it is claimed. Masha Bell, author and literacy researcher, will tell a conference of English teachers on Friday that sweeping reforms are needed to the spelling system to improve children's linguistic skills. Above headline from online Daily Telegraph.
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Newby residents get their wish - vicar to be replaced following scandal
The residents of Newby, have at last got their wish. The vicar is to be replaced following a recent scandal involving little Billy Murray, winner of the recent Marrow Growing Competition (see related story). Little Billy, who had bravely wrestled the vicar from the gripping tentacles of Paul the psychic lobster, who'd grabbed the vicar as he was about to bestow a Holy Blessing on him, came for...
Read full storyMichael Fish in Octopus Drama with Long Words
Following the recent publicity given to Paul the Octopus, fishmongers around the country have reported a spate of predictor fish. Amidst cries of 'Plaice your bets', William Hills have set up shop in Billingsgate to take this phenomenon to the ne...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan's Lawyer Resigns Over Her Being Too 'Touchy'
Saying that she has 'personal' reasons for quitting, Lindsay Lohan's attorney, Shawn Chapman Holley, has resigned from representing the actress, right after Lohan received a 90-day sentence from a judge Tuesday. "I believe the sentence was too har...
Read full storyWhat Michael Steele and Spoof Hecklers Have in Common
It seems like there has never been a time when Michael Steele, Chairman of the Republican Party, wasn't at the core of some scandal or being asked to step down by his own party members, yet he hangs on with a vengeance. The latest row between Steele and the GOP came when Steele claimed that President Obama owned Afghanistan and the United States should not be fighting a war there. Obviously, S...
Read full storySusan Boyle wants you to sing a long a Susan
The Scottish singer and acclaimed philanthropist, Susan Boyle, is searching for a nobody who wants to be a somebody to duet with. Speaking in her best English so that nothing will be lost in translation, Miss Boyle announced that she would love to...
Read full storyDerek Acorah finds Raoul Moat
World famous, silver haired psychic, Derek Acorah was approached by Northumberland police to locate Britain's Most Wanted Man, Raoul Moat. Acorah, ever the showman, performed the psychic search on national television, in a show on Channel 5 entitl...
Read full storyMedia softsoaping Britain ahead of Cheryl Cole RIP?
London - (Quinine News): Reptops are preparing the nation for the very worst. Worse than Germany 4 England 1. More excruciating than Nadal 6-4 7-6 6-4 against Murray. But... way more telegenic than some daftass Spain-fellating psychic octopus!...
Read full storyBorrowing to invest - the £800,000,000,000 lie
What does borrowing to invest mean? Essentially it is buying or building of an asset with the aim of returning a profit/benefit/value/service/income to the investor above and beyond the transaction and borrowing costs perhaps in perpetuity. A good ex...
Read full storyDerek Acorah accused of eating Paul the psychic octopus
Sensational psychic, Derek Acorah, turned out to be quite a good chef when he appeared on Good Morning Liverpool this morning, serving up a dish of calamari with garlic and lemon on a best of schnitzel. It was while the hosts, Fill and Phern, wer...
Read full storyWorld Cup Ref in Uxbridge!
Premier League official Howard Webb has been chosen to referee Sunday's World Cup final between Netherlands and Spain in Johannesburg, Fifa has confirmed. However, following the recent outrage in which a clear England goal was disallowed, Fifa hav...
Read full storyWorld Cup 2010 - Comments, quotes, & Funnies!
So here is a collection of South Africa World Cup England 2010 Statements, comments & Funnies Assembled by unpaid decrepit reporter Inchcock Chambers * What's the difference between the England World Cup team and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer. * News Flash: Huge spike in sales of pink fairy tutus at Glastonbury Festival 2010 by blokes too embarrassed to wear their Eng...
Read full storyBritish holidaymakers 'waste £16 buying euros at the airport'
A study conducted for the Post Office claims that holidaymakers who buy euros at British airports rather than on the high street waste £16 on the average transaction. The analysis found that most travellers tried to change an average of £10 yet o...
Read full storyLady Gaga to run for President
In a move that has shocked the globe, controversial pop star Lady Gaga has announced her intention to run for the Presidency of the USA in the 2012 elections. The singer (real name Stefani Germanotta) announced the shock decision yesterday, and it...
Read full storySecret Spy Raoul arrives in Vienna
Moat in Vienna - In a bizarre twist to the Cheryl Cole malaria controversy, famed Mastermind finalist Raoul Moat has appeared in the arrivals lounge in Vienna Airport, Europe. Flanked by 2 burly bouncers who may also be US agents if their Raybans...
Read full storyPsychic Octopus In Hunt For Moat
In the last week, Northumbria police have called on criminal psychologists and survival experts to help them locate suspected killer Raoul Moat, without success. But then, octopus keeper Hans Acht, at the german Sea Life centre put an ordnance su...
Read full storyStephen Hawking banned from robot wars
British brainbox Stephen Hawking has told Sky news that he has been banned from taking part in Robot wars. Speaking from his computer Mr Hawking said "I could beat anyone in that arena and i think thats why the BBC have banned me" A BBC spokesman...
Read full story1950s Quotes - They make you think...
How things change eh? This list was complied by Inchcock Chambers, our decrepit unpaid reporter for you perusal and enjoyment. Here are some quotes from people in during the 1950's. (1) "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its' going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for £10." (2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when £...
Read full storyGlobal Warming Exposes Rare Find
Crew members aboard the ice-breaker vessel, UB. Fregot, on a scientific exploration mission to the North-Pole were shocked beyond belief when a polar ice-cap collapsed right in front of their ship exposing 10,000 perfectly preserved corpses. Upon...
Read full storyLocal Man On The Mend - Enjoys Strange Afternoon At Country Inn
Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, currently recovering from a beer wound to the thumb, today ventured out of the house with a dual purpose. Part one of today's expedition involved delivering a sick note to his employer. Shuttlecock was not warmly received, but he didn't really care, because part two of the expedition involved a visit to a country inn in most pleasant surroundings. Like a river,...
Read full storyBelgians "Will they Blend"?
YouTube viral advert creator, Tom Dickenson, has been contacted by the Belgian government to help with their dead. Due to a lack of space for cremation or burial within their borders, the Belgians wondered "Will they blend"? Dickenson is famous fo...
Read full storyPolice to make reward for the arrest of Raoul Moat 20k by tomorrow
After Psychic octopus predicted that Newcastle hard as nails man Raoul Moat would not be caught until sometime next year, the Northumberland police have increased the reward money to £20,000 ($17.76). Speaking at a live news conference at 3am this...
Read full storyRaoul Moat Flouts Water Ban Shock
Police have lengthened their search to find crazed gardener Raoul Moat. Mr Moat, whose surname is Latin for water, disappeared a week ago whilst on his lunchbreak at Hoskyns Garden Centre Geordieland. He had previously displayed anger at the proposed...
Read full storyLeBron James to Cavaliers: Bye, F'ers!
LeBron James, one of the most cowardly, selfish men who have played the game, has decided to get the f-k out of Dodge, announcing that he will be ball-hogging and running selfish picks-and-rolls as a member of the Miami Heat: "This fall I am fina...
Read full story911 Call: Urkel Just Punched Me In The Sweater-Meat.
Police say that Jaleel White, the man who spent years playing "Urkel" on "Family Matters", and the subsequent years proving that he was the giant douchebag he portrayed, is being investigated for allegedly punched Bridget Hardy, his baby's mother, in...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan's New Girlfriend Eilat Anschel To Show It All, Boobs, Butt, & Bikini Burger in PlayGuy Magazine
CHICAGO - Lindsay "LiLo" Lohan has just announced that the rumor is in fact true. Her brand, spanking new (no pun intended) girlfriend Eilat Anschel has agreed to appear in a six-page nude layout for PlayGuy Magazine and show it all from her tata's t...
Read full storyLeBron James Signs For Miami Heat - Seconded To Manchester City
Ending days of speculation, US beanpole basketball player LeBron James today signed a deal with Miami Heat. With a clause in his contract seconding him to Manchester City FC reserves. City reserve team coach, Ken Dodd, told our man that James was...
Read full story#3 Ask Hank: Trailer Park Pursuit
Dear Hank, I'm pretty sure my sister in law totally wants me. She's gross, but I guess I'd still go make it happen if I thought my girl wouldn't find out. Doesn't matter. I'm conflicted. On the one hand it would be kind of interesting, but on the other hand my wife might find out. What should I do? Waiting Impatient, Houston Adjacent Dear WIHA, Just what the world needs--another u...
Read full story#2 Ask Hank: Battle over Basement Bunker Becomes Brouhaha
Dear Hank, I have a serious issue that needs addressed. I'm a conservative, belong to the NRA and have just finished my bunker cause we all know what's coming in 2012. My damn wife wants to decorate the damn thing and take down all my desert storm pictures. We will be sharing the space with our son who is two right now and our cat Sherman, but I can't give up my plaid couch and plasma T.V. We'r...
Read full story#1 Ask Hank: No Stranger to Prison, Just Strange
Ed Note: Hank hails from Pocatello, Idaho, better known as Big Elk Country. For years now, Hank has been the guy to ask for advice on any subject. From what wine to serve at your next exotic meat party to where to take your date hunting, Hank knows it all, and he's willing to share it with you. Ask him anything, and if he can't come up with an answer on his own, he's got a whole slew of experts on...
Read full storyOzone Depletion Causing More Havoc
A recent discovery has exposed more chemical toxins adding to the air pollution over our nation's largest cities. As the ozone layer weakens allowing more UV radiation to penetrate our atmosphere, common man-made products are starting to break down c...
Read full storyPorn King Ron Jeremy and Anna Chapman To Star in The X-Rated "Spy On My Pecker"
LOS ANGELES - G-Spot Productions in association with Gladiator Pictures has just informed the entertainment media that porn king Ron Jeremy will star with Russian spy Anna Chapman in the x-rated motion picture Spy On My Pecker. Jeremy, who has app...
Read full storyRevolutionary New Cycle Ab Builder
A freelance engineer by the name of Tommy Lardas has revolutionized the physical fitness industry with his Cycle Ab Builder. This incredible new device combines the mobility of a bicycle with the power crunching physical exercise of sit-ups. Tommy Lardas had this to say about his revolutionary, mobile piece of gym equipment. "I have always enjoyed riding my bicycle, not only is it non-poll...
Read full storyJustin Bieber Says He'll Visit Lindsay Lohan In Prison
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Teen heartthrob Justin Bieber has reportedly told one of his close friends Kim Kardashian that he plans to visit Lindsay Lohan once she gets settled into her new jail cell at The Zsa Zsa Gabor Prison For Women in Los Angeles. Jus...
Read full storyLevi Johnston Says The Only Reason He Badmouthed Sarah Palin Was Because His Ex-Girlfriend Kathy "The Red Cougar" Griffin Made Him
WASILLA, Alaska - Levi Johnston, the ex-future son-in-law of the ex-governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin has revealed that the only reason he spoke so badly about Mrs. Palin was because his former 'old' girlfriend Kathy Griffin told him to do so. Johns...
Read full storyFrank's Housing Fix Has Insurance Co's "Fired Up"
"If I Can't Sell Your House, I'll Burn It Down!" and that's a Chad Frank Promise! Chicago, IL- It's 9am Thursday morning and dozens of people have gathered at the Holiday Inn Conference Center anxiously waiting to hear from Chad Frank and his "ho...
Read full storyThe Bonkettes To Reunite
Sensational news just in! The world's favourite girl band, the Bonkettes have announced that they are to reunite for a series of live gigs after contractual wrangles, and their being relegated to Magazine Section status following their triumphant Chr...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Resident Protests Sex Shop
Whippingham - Longtime resident and community leader Marjorie Givens 67 of 2 Bettsworth has protested to Mayor Shovel and Council that the Gilded Lily Flower Shop that recently opened is operating as a sex shop. "This is the last thing that Whippingham needs to distract the youth of our community and give our town a bad name for tourists. I have seen men and women as young as forty and fifty wa...
Read full storySexy Super Spy Anna Chapman's Ginger Vagina Deported To Moss Cow
Russian stand-up comedienne, super spy, sex bomb, and holder of an allegedly ginger vagina, Anna Chapman, was today deported by US Immigration Services for spying. And having a ginger vagina. Chapman, who allegedly (no reporting restrictions he...
Read full storyBarack Obama Vetoes Lebron James Decision To Play In Miami
At seven different times this NBA offseason, Barack Obama has made his wishes known that he wants Cleveland Cavelier's star LeBron James to play for his Chicago Bulls. When James announced his decision to play next season for the Miami Heat, the Pre...
Read full storyLeBron James Makes "The Decision" To Play With Miami Heat
In a press conference on ESPN that was title "The Decision," Cleveland Cavelier star LeBron James announced that he would sign next season with the Miami Heat of the NBA. James, who came out of high school directly to the NBA, has spent his entire c...
Read full storyController Of Sexy Spy Anna Chapman's Vagina Subject To CIA Manhunt
Washington DC - Friday - The Central Intelligence (?) Agency today announced the launch of an international manhunt, with the objective of arresting the controller of sexy Russian ginger spy Anna Chapman's vagina. It is thought that since Ms Chapm...
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