Written by IainB

Friday, 9 July 2010

image for Derek Acorah finds Raoul Moat
Moat's bed in Kirklees hotel, Hauxley

World famous, silver haired psychic, Derek Acorah was approached by Northumberland police to locate Britain's Most Wanted Man, Raoul Moat.

Acorah, ever the showman, performed the psychic search on national television, in a show on Channel 5 entitled Psychic Man Hunt With Derek Acorah, an ambiguous title if there ever was one.

Detective Inspector David Sergeant defended the approach: "We have used up all the sensible ideas, such as looking and asking people, so now we're on the silly."

In the show, Acorah went into a trance, while his spirit guides helped him psychically transcend his body and fly rapidly around the north-east. All the time, Acorah's words were noted down by the police, ready to launch their man hunt in the location he revealed.

Acorah announced that he felt Moat was near trees, and a fast moving water, which narrowed the search to a mere one hundred square miles of Northumberland. More information was forthcoming as Acorah narrowed in, saying that there was a busy road not far from where Moat was hiding under canvas. Acorah could smell food from a nearby cafe or restaurant, and there was a light that was too bright for ordinary eyes. The police needed more, they needed a place name, and Acorah duly supplied it, with the town of Selkirk coming to him.

Police were straight on it, with only one stand of trees next to a river in Selkirk.

However, as the helicopters were on their way to Selkirk, a telephone call came in from Moat himself, who was watching the show on television and said that Acorah was way off the mark. The police did a 1471 and got the number of cheap hotel in Hauxley. The helicopters were diverted and Moat was captured.

Acorah claimed he was in fact correct, as the hotel was near the sea, had a wooden bed with canvas sheets and an unshaded light bulb. As to the place name? Well Acorah claims psychic gifts can't always be one hundred percent accurate, but the hotel was called Kirklees.

"That Acorah's a genius," said DI Sergeant. "We'd never have caught Moat without his help!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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