"The Internet is over" Says Prince, as millions read about it online
Pop superstar Prince has vowed to keep his music offline, publicly announcing "the internet is over". Prince has been quoted as saying "They just fill up your head with numbers, it can't be good for you". He compared the internet's popularity wit...
Read full storyPaul Hogan and Linda Kozlowski To Star In "Crocodile Dundee Vs. The Vienna Vagina Vampires"
SANTA BARBARA, California - Paul Hogan and his wife Linda Kozlowski have just announced that they will be starring in the the fifth installment of the Crocodile Dundee series. Mr. and Mrs. Hogan will soon fly to Budapest, Hungary where they will f...
Read full storySimon Cowell Calls Cheryl Cole a "Witch" and Loses Rag With Ex-Lover Sinitta
An X-Factor source has claimed that wierd smug square-headed svengali and purveyor of idiot-entrancing soporific pap Simon Cowell called fellow X-Factor judge Cheryl Cole a witch at the recent auditions for the moronic, exploitative, cynical exercise...
Read full story7000 U.S. Marines to boost Sex Tourism in Costa Rica
According to the July 5, 2010 Tico Times, "Costa Rica has granted the U.S. military a six-month window to bring 7,000 Marines, five planes and 46 warships into its territory". The 31-8 vote of the Legislative Assembly was presumably "to help stem...
Read full storyVikings were the first people on the moon
Remember when Peggy Hill told Dale Gribble that Vikings were the first people on the moon and she thought she was making it up? Well guess what, it is the truth all along. A new recent study finds that the Vikings had advanced technology they kept...
Read full storyThe Story Of Sidney Stollet
Sidney Stollet worked as a Clerk for an engineering company. He had dreamed of the day he could retire, and leave this drudgery behind him. After 43 years, and ten days, that day had finally arrived. Sidney recieved his Gold watch and chain, his carriage clock and several small gifts from his colleagues. But, more importantly, Sidney's cheque for £80,000 from the Managing Director, Mr Boggins.
Read full storyUpskirt Photograph Of Kirstie Alley Kills Cameraman!
Willie Jenkins, a cameraman who has worked for several tabloids as a free agent and had moved to a permanent spot on the National Pisser, has lain in wait in a cellar under a popular package store for two weeks waiting to catch any stars coming out c...
Read full storyMichael Jackson Had Chemical Castration!
In a lawsuit brought by Joe Jackson, Michael Jackson's father, Joe Jackson charges that what Dr. Conrad Murray is guilty of is a wrongful death suit and Jackson has taken it to court. An attorney for the doctor, Anthony Sitts, says that the doctor...
Read full storyBP to fund Tony Blair's nomination in the US Presidential election race
BPs Oil Slick HQ, United States: BP, known as 'British Petroleum' by President Obama, have decided to fund Tony Blair's Republican nomination at the next US elections. BP who have had to 'bite the bullet' in the last few weeks, as President Obama...
Read full storyTony Blair to become a Republican Candidate, to challenge President Obama at the next Presidential election.
Washington, USA: Tony Blair, having been garlanded: in January 2009 with the "Presidential Medal of Freedom" by George W Bush, in recognition of the "exemplary achievement" that included his support for the "War on Terror", has now receieved another...
Read full storyQueen Elizabeth to Preside Over Hot Dog Eating Re-Match in New York
England's Queen Elizabeth is planning a quick trip to New York City Tuesday and expects a full schedule of appearances. Among the stops on her itinerary is a visit to Coney Island where she'll officiate over a re-match of the Nathan's Famous Hot Dog...
Read full storySusan Boyle donated egg for Cristiano Ronaldo Jr surrogacy!
London - (Reuterus & Sunny Side Up News): The ID of the mystery woman behind little Cristiano Ronaldo Jr's conception has been revealed. Global crooning sensation Susan Boyle apparently had one of her last remaining double yolkers eggstracted...
Read full storyTar and Sand Candle Business Takes Off in Florida
Not everyone on the Gulf Coast of Florida is bemoaning the dastardly effects of tar balls washing up on their pristine white-sand beaches. Harold "Happy" Toner and his wife Sunny Toner are turning those tar balls into dollar bills. "Oh, we're hipp...
Read full storyThe 'Holy Grail' discovered in English field
Archaeologists in England are still celebrating the discovery, a year ago to the day, of the largest hoard of Anglo-Saxon artefacts ever discovered and yet we are privileged to be able to announce a find earlier today that will make this and other ar...
Read full storyWoman has Vuvuzela removed from her vagina
A 24 year old woman from East London was taken to hospital on Friday evening to have a vuvuzela removed from her vagina. The vuvuzela became stuck in her vagina after she had watched the World Cup quarter final between Ghana and Uruguay but the wo...
Read full storyThe Tories (and the LibDems) will never learn
It has been a hectic afternoon for the ConDemned coalition. First the Deputy Prime Minister, then the Secretary of State for Education were dragged through the House of Commons by the opposition. An opposition, in Nick Clegg's case that included many...
Read full storyVatican to Release Scores of Soft Porn Tapes to Raise Money for Legal Defense
Running low on cash and unable to count on their worshippers for much longer to keep the coffers full so they can hire the best legal minds in the world to defend the growing sex abuse claims, the Vatican has agreed to allow the release of hundreds o...
Read full storyMe not culpa says Rooney
Leon Panetta, head of the CIA has rebuked the England footie fans' who have suggested that his agents sabotaged Wayne Rooney during the Germany vs England African World Cup clash. 'Yet another conspiracy theory', he said. This is one theory that i...
Read full storyAl Gore Became Environmentalist to Score Women
(Chicago, IL)Today, Al Gore admitted to Oprah Winfery that he became an environmentalist to score more women. "Women environmentalist are very passionate not only about the environment, but they are passionate about pleasing Al in bed." Al Gore t...
Read full storyMajor European countries refuse to refuel Iranian planes, so what? Passengers are being flown home on Iranian Flying Carpets!
Iranian planes are being refused fuel in many major European countries as part of a general boycott against all things Iranian including the Burka. Because of the boycott many Iranian planes have become stranded at European airports and Airport tr...
Read full storyJedward Album Sales Hit 2m
Jedward's record label Universal have revealed today that the duo have sold more than 2 million copies of their debut album 'Together', in just 2 weeks. John and Edward Grimes, who hit fame and fortune on the british talent show The X Factor back...
Read full storyCher found mealted after Malibu heatwave
Singing superstar Cher was found melted to the sidewalk in her home town of Malibu yesterday, it has been confirmed. The singer, (64), was said to be in a critical condition when she was found by a member of the public. Peter Armon, who was mindin...
Read full storyWait Wait Wait
With less than a week to go, four and a bit days to be slightly more accurate, the wait may soon be over for local man Seaton Carew. With the day of reckoning due to take place this coming Friday, Carew should have to wait no longer to learn his fate, but since his change of mind recently things have been slightly clouded. The two who saw at the time of the event no longer have to wait to a...
Read full storyElectric Car Owners Given Police Protection During High Oil Price Protests
The general strike or bandh called by various Indian opposition parties against the rise in the price of oil, were mostly peaceful in the metros of Bangalore, Mumbai and Delhi despite apprehensions that there would be violence against minorities.
Read full storyPope's UK Holiday To Cost Taxpayer £23million
A fierce row has broken out over the Pope's planned UK vacation later this year. It has emerged that the taxpayer is likely to foot the bill for the Papal holiday to the tune of £23 million pounds. REACTION Thomson Holidays spokesman David T...
Read full storyGovernment to Leave 600,000 Jobs on Train
THE newly-established Office for Budget Responsibility (OBR) says the British public sector is likely to lose around 600,000 jobs by 2014. It is understood that Government ministers will probably leave most of the jobs on trains and in the backs o...
Read full storyApple Launches Invisible iPhone
MASTER of the Universe, Steve Jobs, last night launched a new invisible version of his firm's best-selling iPhone. The new offering from Apple bristles with features that only really cool, brainy people are able to use and which has been made so s...
Read full storyPay as you go - motorists in Britain will plan routes carefully
There'll be no more 'nipping down the road in the car to pick up fish 'n' chips, if Britain adopts 'Pay as you go'. It is in the planning stages that British drivers will soon have to pay per mile travelled. Crazy though it may sound it has a lot of benefits: People will walk more and so get much needed exercise. Petrol bills will go down (BUT this COULD have an adverse effect by driving...
Read full storyTough times lead to hair-cuts
Barbers throughout Britain are preparing for legislation making all cuts between 25 and 40%.* In a tough crackdown, all beards and wigs will go.* These restrictions are set to save the British economy which has come within a hair's breadth of doub...
Read full storyEnvironmental disaster specialists BP prove that he who laughs last laughs longest!
Creating massive environmental disasters obviously is a lucrative business and BP are certainly proving that. Their share prices have risen and middle East investors just can't wait to buy a piece of BP's "oily cake"! While the world has been t...
Read full storyRussel Brand Sleeps With Russian Super-Spy, Anna Chapman - What Will Katy Perry Say?
Well, well, well, Katy Perry will not be pleased. Russel Brand, famed for his sexual activities, has been caught up in allegations (which I've totally fabricated of course) of being seen taking an afternoon nap with Anna Chapman, the Russian recently...
Read full storyUruguay Out To Make A Killing Against Holland
Uruguay football coach Oscar Tabarez has drawn up a cunning plan to stop Holland forward Arjen Robben in their World Cup semi-final in Cape Town on Tuesday. According to my interpretation of what he was saying, he actually plans to kill him. In...
Read full storyWorld Cup drama: drinks spiked
News just in, the German football team have been disqualified from the semi finals of the FIFA World Cup because one of their players has infiltrated the Spanish football team's hotel and spiked their hydration drinks. Klaus Waffermeur, a reserve...
Read full storyMarie Osmond In Psycho Ward!
It's apparently true. Marie Osmond has been sent to a psycho ward in order to try to get her son's suicide off her mind. Although a publicist for the family says that Marie could not sleep with only 25 sleeping pills and that that had caused the m...
Read full storyFabio Capello's new book: "Tommy Cooper's training manual for World Cup Glory!"
Waterstones Book Store, Wembley: As ever, Fabio Capello was cracking jokes in good old Tommy Cooper style as he pointed to the picture of the front of 'Tommy Cooper's World Cup Glory' Manual, a must read for all new aspiring international Football M...
Read full storyJustin Bieber's Career May Be Over
At sixteen and on top of the pop charts, you would think that Justin Bieber would be all set to begin a great tour. But a strange thing has happened to the youngster. Bieber's voice, so high that many have accused him of being a girl, has lower...
Read full story7/7 cops 'want a little chat' with Putin's pneumatic bombshell Anna Chapman
London - (Semtex News): A single strand of glinting coppery hair found inside an unexploded Al Qaeda toasted sarnie on 7 July 2005 has sparked panic. And prompted an immediate review of all UK anti-terror intelligence: Is KGB spook Anna Chapma...
Read full storyTom Jones dropped by Record Label
News in this morning suggests that singing super-star, Tom Jones has been dropped by his record label. Ageing Jones (now 70), moved to Island records last year for a reputed £1.5 million and was expected to produce more of the trade-mark material...
Read full storyKate Gosselin Sends the Kids to Kiddie Boot Camp
An upcoming episode of Kate Plus Eight, has Kate Gosselin talking to a rough and ready Marine drill sergeant who runs a high-octane, no-nonsense summer "boot" camp program for children called Kiddie Boot Camp. This is one show you don't want to miss.
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Council blamed over road-signs
Councillors for the Isle of Wight are up in arms with the Highways Agency. A new road sign has been erected on Forest Road heading towards Somerton (pictured), which plainly states "Isle of White". "We are not amused," said Ophelia Keyhole, 39, wife of Jeremiah Keyhole, leader of the Isle of Wight Chamber of Commerce. "The Isle of Wight has been called this for centuries, how can the highway...
Read full storyNHS rapped over Scaremongering Obesity Letters
The NHS has been accused of trying to 'scare people well' by Health Minister, Simon Burns. Primary Care Trusts have been sending out letters to schoolchildren as little as an ounce over their ideal weight, telling them that they are obese and will...
Read full storyJedward Star, Edward Grimes, Survives Assassination Attempt
Jedward star and unlikely pop-idol, Edward Grimes, was rushed to hospital yesterday after collapsing on stage. The 18 year old performer, who was appearing with his twin-brother John, was seen to stumble and eventually collapse on stage, much to t...
Read full storyCheryl Cole (Oops, I mean Tweedy..) & Justin Bieber In Feud
24 hours ago, I reported news of a romance. However, circumstances have changed, and I am now saddened to reveal that the Tweedy/Bieber romance which we broke the news of has turned sour. Staff at Boujis had informed me that the pair "were smitten...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Mysterious Arsonist Strikes Again
Police are hunting a pair of youths who are believed to be behind a series of arson attacks on dry stone walls around Shorwell. "There are a couple of young lads we'd like to speak to," said police constable Michelle Gonmad. "We have a fair idea who they are, on account of there not being very many youths in the Shorwell area." The border wall for Westcourt Farm, on the road to Limerstone ha...
Read full storyBBC Sues ITV and Simon Cowell over Reality TV Show
Reports released yesterday announced that Amanda Holden was leaving the 'Britain's Got Talent' team to pursue other projects, one of which is to become a contestant on Simon Cowell's new reality TV Show 'I'm a Celebrity Get me Strictly Come Dancing O...
Read full storyEducation cuts of One Billion
The Con-Dems have announced that the education budget will be cut by over one billion pounds from Labour's original budget. This represents a cut of one quarter, or a week's worth of fighting in Afghanistan. Labour's plan of rebuilding or refurbis...
Read full storyWilliam Hague concerned as Tony Blair's bodyguards cost 250,000 pounds in expenses
William Hague is indeed concerned at Government spending which it was disclosed that Tony Blair and his family over a year, including officers' wages, are estimated to have cost taxpayers over 6 million pounds. Taxpayers have every right to be up in arms at this ridiculous expenditure. We must face it, British politicians are not in as much danger (assassination-wise) as U.S. politicians. T...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Traffic Chaos
The main traffic lights on the A3020, St Georges Way in the centre of Newport were out of action for three hours on Monday morning, right in the middle of rush hour. As the traffic lights cycled endlessly between red, amber and green, the local shop owners and residents were out in force to watch them. Such was the ensuing chaos, it took the police nearly forty minutes to get to the scene and s...
Read full storyBenefit Claimants New Proposals
Requirements for qualification for benefits for the unemployed have been reviewed by Iain Bunkum Smith MP, Minster of Works & Pensions. In a speech in London today Iain Duncan Smith said: "A system that was originally designed to help support the poorest in society is now trapping them in the very condition it was supposed to alleviate. Instead of helping, a deeply unfair benefits system to...
Read full storyMan Could See Thai Lady's Vagina
A teacher at a school in Bangkok has told friends about a lunchtime experience that he will never forget, after he was able to peruse the contents of a woman's knickers whilst he tucked into a Thai Green Curry. The teacher, Moys Kenwood, laughed a...
Read full storyRaoul Thomas Moat - Gateshead Gunman Still On The Loose
Ex-convict Raoul Thomas Moat, who is wanted by the police for shooting one man dead, seriously wounding his former partner, and later shooting a police officer in an unprovoked attack, is still on the loose. Police suspect that the crazed gunman i...
Read full storyColombian Reality TV Show "Make it From Cocaine" Spawns Real Life Replicas
BOGOTA, Colombia - Taking its cue from American and British reality television shows, Colombia's first ever reality show, "Make it From Cocaine" is a complete and utter failure. Columbian authorities were skeptical at first to even allow the airi...
Read full storyEnglish Police Arrest 173 Photographers at Alex Reid's and Katie Price's Wedding Reception
SURREY, England - Police reported that they had to arrest 173 English photographers who refused to listen to the police instructions that they had been given at the Reid-Price Wedding Reception. The ceremonies took place in The St. Sir Paul McCart...
Read full storyBy the Grace of Kim: Kim Kardashian Promises to "Kiss" Members of the Seattle Storm, Guaranteeing Them WNBA Championship.
Kim Kardashian, Goodwill Ambassador for the Benign Solitary Fibrous Buttock Tumor Foundation, has finally announced what team will next benefit from her Beautiful Tight Wet Lips: The Seattle Sonic Storm. Kardashian spoke to reporters while promoti...
Read full storyCheryl Cole In Emotional Sick Bed Plea
Following her dramatic collapse at a North London photo shoot yesterday, Cheryl Cole convened a press conference in her palatial bedroom and addressed the media as she lay gently reclining in her sick bed. As an aura of hushed reverence enveloped...
Read full storyCheryl Cole In Collapse Drama
It appears that overwork is taking its toll on X-Factor judge and singing sensation, Cheryl Cole. Onlookers looked on in horror yesterday as Cheryl collapsed at a North London photoshoot for her new album. Friends had expressed concerns that she h...
Read full storyApple to Sue iCarly! Says Jobs: "I Trademarked The Name When I Bought Carly Simon's Soul"
Apple Head Organ Recipient, Steve Jobs, says that he'll be suing Nickelodeon and the Cast and crew of the Nick show "iCarly", stating that he's owned the "iCarly" name since be bought Carly Simon's soul in 1978. "Carly wanted to get an ad endorsem...
Read full storyJuly 5th Indian General Strike to be Held in Shifts at ITES Hubs of Bangalore, NCR, Mumbai
The 6:00 am to 6:00 pm Bandh called by various opposition parties is hopelessly insufficient to stop businesses from functioning normally according to various protest groups and individuals. Former union leader going by the name of AVX Shenoy note...
Read full storyMaradona Refuses To Apologise To Pele
Diego Maradona arrived back in Buenos Aries with his defeated and deflated Argentinian World Cup squad yesterday, and promptly refused to apologise for a remark he made in South Africa suggesting that Pele belonged in a museum. Insiders say that B...
Read full storyElvis Presley is still alive
You heard the stories before but it is really true, Elvis Presley faked his death so that he could work for the CIA as a secret agent, for the purpose of spying on The Soviet Union. Elvis Presley shaved his head and wore a wig resembling the Colonial era, so that he could visit the Soviet Union as a historical re-en-actor. Whenever Elvis visited the Soviet Union, he secretly located nuclear...
Read full storyWorld Cup Cheating Scandal
The honour of the world cup in South Africa was under threat last night, amid allegations that the whole competition has been fixed so that the best two teams will eventually meet each other in the Final. It's even been claimed that the eventual w...
Read full storyNo News Worth Telling You About
It's happened before, and more often than you think, and yesterday was just another one of those occasions when absolutely nothing on Earth happened worth reporting as actual news. Several things happened, of course, but they were really the ever...
Read full storyNeighborhood BBQ Turns Into Roman Shower
This weekend, while most people are asking themselves, "Will Lebron James stay in Cleveland?" James Brubaker should have been asking himself and anyone with some compassion, "Do you think these burgers are done?" After taking advantage of the Firs...
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