Me not culpa says Rooney

Funny story written by A MCRORY

Monday, 5 July 2010


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Leon Panetta, head of the CIA has rebuked the England footie fans' who have suggested that his agents sabotaged Wayne Rooney during the Germany vs England African World Cup clash. 'Yet another conspiracy theory', he said.

This is one theory that is not going away though. Fans who were present at the Free State Stadium, Bloemfontein reported seeing men who they described as 'blacked up' and sporting South African kit talking up their short shirt-sleeves, a sure sign the CIA or other US intel parties was present, but to what end? 'The men seemed to only blow their vuvuzelas when Rooney was in the vicinity of the ball and they allegedly pointed them directly at him. They had front row seats too. Ooh and they changed ends at half-time.' said one England fan who wishes not to be named for fear of being called an England fan.

Apparently Rooney had complained to team captain John Terry during the game of hearing high-pitched noises every time he touched the ball, both times the noise was actually painful. Terry put it down to Capello's squealing from the technical area.

However some credibility has been added to the allegations because sound recordists for the BBC have reported strange harmonic readings on the visual images of recordings of the match as if something like a dog whistle were being blown. This emanated from the area where England fans say the dodgy S.A. fans sat.

So could Rooney have been the subject of a clandestine op or 'black op' run by the CIA? A sonic gun was fired at horses during a race in England, which made them veer away from the finish line just as Rooney seemed to veer away from the ball during the match.

One theory suggest that President Obama wanted to send a message to Britain that he was 'no pussy' - and had US intel agents destroy Rooney's game as a response to BP's lackadaisical attitude to the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. The stress on the 'special relationship' between the UK and US is no secret. Neither is the growing friendship between Germany's President Angela Merkel and Obama, based on their shared passion of Wii. Both enjoy Wii parties and they like to Wii in the pool when they can.

When this story was put to Wayne he was elated. He became animated (like Shrek), screaming, 'I knew it! I knew it! It wasn't my fault! Something else had to be at fault because I'm one of the world's best footballers, ask anybody.I've got to find Colleen - she'll love me again.'

John Craven, well-known football fan said 'That's a plausible excuse as any for Rooney's poor soccer game.'

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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