Benefit Claimants New Proposals

Written by Inchcock

Monday, 5 July 2010

image for Benefit Claimants New Proposals
Alistair Darling, supporting the proposals

Requirements for qualification for benefits for the unemployed have been reviewed by Iain Bunkum Smith MP, Minster of Works & Pensions.

In a speech in London today Iain Duncan Smith said: "A system that was originally designed to help support the poorest in society is now trapping them in the very condition it was supposed to alleviate. Instead of helping, a deeply unfair benefits system too often writes people off. The proportion of people parked on inactive benefits has almost tripled in the past 30 years to 41% of the inactive working age population. That is a tragedy. We must be here to help people improve their lives - not just park them on long-term benefits. We must not underestimate the challenge ahead. One of the biggest problems is that for too many people work simply does not pay. For some people, the move from welfare into work means they face losing more than 95 pence for every additional £1 they earn. As a result, the poor are being taxed at an effective tax rate that far exceeds the wealthy. We have in effect taken away the reward and left people with the risk. That must and will change. These new proposals will go a long way to achieve this, whilst keeping the staff at the job centre offices happy."

* Claimants are requested not to smile, laugh, or seem happy within the confines or range of the view from the windows of any job centre establishment.

* Unemployed persons, especially the spotty faced, under-nourished looking claimants, must not smell of alcohol or tobacco at the time of their interrogations.. er.. interviews.

* Statements of condition of the Claimant must not include, depressed, frustrated, hungry, discouraged, deaf, blind, crippled, goldfish, disheartened, circumvented, conquered, disappointed, discomfited, poorly, broke, electricity [gas,water] cut off, subjugated, or suicidal, as this tends to have a detrimental affect on the job centre staff... well.. some of them anyway.

* Claimants must at all times keep their moustaches neatly trimmed.

* Claimants must at all times make use of deodorants.

* Claimants must never not cough over the departments' staff.

* Claimants must at all times consider applying for and taking on a job that pays less than the benefit they are receiving. (Good savings to be made here)

* Claimants must at all times avoid feelings of worthlessness.

* Claimants must at all times realise they are worthless.

* Claimants must at all times realise that if so many them they were not in such a pickle as they are by being unemployed, where would the job centre employees be?

Theresa May MP, Minister for women and equalities was to have commented on the proposals, but her butler said: "Madam has urgent business regarding her expenses claims, but left a message regarding the new proposals, it reads: "Champagne is not what unemployed people want, they are happy with cheap Asda lager." What this has to do with the proposals is uncertain.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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