Algerian terror suspect detained
In France, an Algerian man (34, Algerian) has been held under the French terror directive; normally used for Algerians suspected of being nuclear scientists. The French Interior minister made a statement, "He's been accused of being in possession...
Read full storyDeath form above! Death death...DEATH!
That's what the people of Earth are screaming today as fifteen huge round hot things are heading straight for us from the depths of space! The population of Earth piss in their pants at the prospect of being squished into the galactic equivalent...
Read full storyNational call to stop children going to school
A new report has shown that children who begin learning at age 4 are more likely to commit crime. A study involving 500 children running over 20 years found that all children who began school at 4 years old committed more crime than those who were...
Read full storyGoogle ends America's recession
Branson, Missouri - The recession ended today, with the signing up of unemployed chicken gutter Vern Limburgh to Google's corporate family. He was the 147 millionth person to do so, and was America's last unemployed citizen. "I couldn't say no to...
Read full storyCricket. The gentle art of 'Sledging'.
Now I love my cricket....... Most of you out there will consider it the most boring game in the universe, but that is just because you don't understand it. Most consider it a genteel game, but you wouldn't if you had Freddie Flintoff (England) charging in off a 30yard run up to hurl a rock hard ball at 100 mph at your face. Or if you were a close fielder, as Ricky Ponting (Australia) attempted...
Read full storyTales From a Northern Narrowboat 5
something really weird has just happened. It is about 10pm here in the UK, and it is a windy, wet night I was just sitting here reading with the TV off when I heard a boat engine in the distance. This is unusual, because you seldom hear boats after dark, and only when they are looking for somewhere to moor for the night. It has been dark for a long time, and any boat should have found a moorin...
Read full storySherlock Holmes and the Feeble Imposter
As Dr. Watson sat at the breakfast table eating toast and eggs he was feeling quite contented, as it had been months since Sherlock Holmes had retired for a second time and the peace in the house had been most pleasant. Apart from occasional evenings when that famous detective murdered some Vivaldi for hours on end on his out-of-tune violin, of course, but nothing was perfect in this world. At...
Read full storyHermione legal to fantasize over in next Harry Potter film
London, UK - Pedophiles the world over are expected to be boycotting "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows", due to be released sometime in 2010. It will be the first movie in which Emma Watson, the actress who plays Hermione Granger, is over 18.
Read full storyThe Colorado Balloon Family Is Arrested!
FORT COLLINS, Colorado - Fort Collins Sheriff Jimbo "Bison Rider" Alfrasetti has just informed the media that the members of the Heehaw family, also known as the 'Balloon family' have all been arrested. Sheriff Alfrasetti said that the so-called B...
Read full storyWhitney Houston In X-Factor Bra Strap Boob Nearly
Soul Diva Whitney Houston tonight overcame a potential disaster as she performed live on UK TV show the X-Factor. Part way into Houston's performance a titty sling strap snapped, a minor event, nonetheless one which could have had embarrassing con...
Read full storyDaily Mail victims of orchestrated hate campaign !
In an awesome example of Karma, the Daily Mail have today claimed that the national outpouring of hatred and vehement anti-mail sentiment, sparked by their recent "entirely innocent" homophobia against the late Stephen Gateley, was entirely drummed u...
Read full storyX Factor Exclusive - Scotland declares WAR on Dublin!
After tonight's shock announcement that brain diseased Irish C*nts John and Edward had avoided the sing-off for another week, and the loss of bland Scottish folk-here Rickey Loney-Onanism, the nation is still reeling. Alec Salmond, Chieftain of th...
Read full storyObama: I Need A Credible Afghan Partner
Concerns that the US President may be working too hard deepened today following his claim that he was seeking an Afghan partner. "They stay in the home and do as their told. Americans need a partner who knows their place. Keep them covered up, give t...
Read full storyChild Suicide Bombers Descend On Manchester Airport
Child suicide bombers are said to be on their way to Manchester Airport in their thousands. The recent ruling that the new hi-tec security scanners which let you see people in the buff could not be used on kids has led to this disaster. Security e...
Read full storyEngland's Lake District National Park to be swallowed by Atlantic
National Trust anoraks, the Forestry Commission and The Lake District National Parks Authority were last night holding crisis talks after discovering that the future of one of the country's unspoilt paradise hangs in the balance. Ordinance Survey...
Read full storyClouds Gather As Tories Threaten Met Office Sell Off
Liam Fox, Shadow spokeperson for extremely daft ideas has outlined how the Conservative party plan to save the nation billions. They are going to privitise weather forecasters. By selling off the man who warns you not to have a bar b q at the weekend...
Read full storyTales From a Northern Narrowboat 4
For those of you, and that will be all of you, who don't know how canals work, it's like this. Water doesn't go up and down. It lies flat, like a pancake, or Ali McBeal's tits. If you want to go up a hill you have to go through a series of locks. These are just big holes cut on the side of the incline with f*****g humongous gates at each end. To go up you sail your boat in the bottom, shut t...
Read full storyTales From a Northern Narrowboat 3
They're there.....The little f*****g sods are there. I'm looking out of the window and typing this at arms length, which is difficult because I have relatively short arms: compared to your average primate, that is. They are lined up on the far bank like the bloody cast of a Wallace and Gromit film. I'm sure the little bastards are made of clay. They're moving in stop frame animation the little...
Read full storyEven Charles Manson is disgusted by the Daily Mail's Jan Moir
Convicted murderer Charles Manson has spoken publicly about his shock and disgust over Daily Mail sewer rat Jan Moir and her vicious article about the death of Stephen Gately. Mr Manson said: "I've done bad things in my life but I wouldn't write s...
Read full storyWhitney Houston Voted Off The X-Factor - Cheryl Cole In Tears Again
Soul diva Whitney Houston has been voted off the X-Factor according to an extremely unreliable source based in Matlock, Derbyshire. In an attempt to unearth why the great British public have apparently come out in droves against the 'I Will Always...
Read full storyAll I Ask Is Just A Moment Of Your Cyberspace Time
Hey, I'm not asking for much. Just one brief moment in your cyberspace time. After that you can forget all about me. Just give me the chance to be noticed. I gotta be noticed. All my life I've sought the acceptance of others. I never really got it from my parents. They were too busy. And now they are gone I can't put that right. But you, dear reader, are my saviour. You have the power deep with...
Read full storyPremature Baby Born On Brian Ferry
A premature baby has been born on top of former Roxy Music front man Brian Ferry. The first sign that there was something wrong was when Brian Eno barged in with a vast amount of expensive looking electronic equipment and began to set it all up. The...
Read full storyRoyal Male Under Fire Over Stephen Gateley Remarks
Prince Philip is under fire for remarks he made about the death of Stephen Gateley. The remarks were made at a meeting of the Worshipful Lodge of Kensington, Higher Order. Firstly His Royal Highness said " The post mortem of Stephen Gateley has re...
Read full storyTV chef Thompson scrambles a few egos
Television's current raft of celebrity chefs have been given a broadside by one of their own luminaries in a warts and all autobiography. Jamie Pierre Thompson's new book 'I Can't Boil an Egg' which went straight to the top of the current bestsell...
Read full storyTo Dunk Or Not To Dunk
The current financial crisis has left us all turning towards our elected representatives and asking the big question. "Do you dunk your biscuit?" We need to know how our politicians will deal with the economy, Afghanistan, the war on terror, Stephen...
Read full storyRoyal Male To Take On 30,000
Prince Edward has announced that he is to take on 30,000 before Christmas. The Royal male is feeling right up for it this year. He can't wait to empty their sacks. "I just want a special delivery. My box needs to be full" said his royal gayness. T...
Read full storyBeltway D.C. Sniper Pardoned
In a move that initially surprised the Washington press core Barack Obama stated in a press conference on Monday that he had just signed documents to pardon the notorious Beltway D.C. Sniper John Allen Muhammad. Mr. Muhammad who only hours ago was s...
Read full storySalmond hallucinates and compares al-Megrahi release to Gandhi's actions
After the UK government had already admitted that the Libyan 'bomber' was only released to ensure that trade with oil-rich Libya didn't suffer, and to ensure a forthcoming deal between Britain and Tripoli went ahead as planned, Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond took a huge dose of hallucogenic drugs just before his key speech at the SNP conference today, and then said this: I was recently vi...
Read full storyLiverpool sign Stadium of Light beachball to strengthen attack
Liverpool, in an increasingly desperate attempt to revive their flagging season, have signed the beachball whose skilfull deflection was their downfall yesterday. The beachball, who was on loan from the Spanish side Real Costa del Sol, will partne...
Read full storyFSA astonish financial world with new anouncement
UK Financial Regulator the FSA, has rocked the financial world today, announcing a bizarre new recruitment policy. FSA spokes-person Grenville Mann-Gland, society louche and inveterate cottager announced today from FSA HQ or Shit Towers as it has...
Read full storyHarry Enfield comedy show ideas stolen
Ideas and material for a new series of Harry Enfield's comedy show with Paul Whitehouse have been stolen from numerous other shows. The thoughts and jokes and characters had all been lifted from such earlier programmes as The Dick Emery Show, but...
Read full storyCure for homosexuality found!
SALEM'S LOT, Maine - Researchers looking through recently released journals of famed sexual therapy team Masters and Johnson have discovered that in spite of the naysayers, they really did come up with a cure for homosexuality. Their studies had...
Read full storyHarry Potter and the Grey Gnome of Oxfordshire
It started as just another day in Oxfordshire, a day when every prospect pleased and only Brown was vile, and Harry Potter idly leafed through his copy of Adam Smith's 'Wealth of Nations'. 'There's a lot to be said for the free market system', he thought to himself, 'thank heavens this country has a Conservative Party to defend and strengthen that system, to take on the state socialist European...
Read full storyToy maker to release new American Girl doll
NEW YORK CITY, New York - In the wake of the wildly successful release of Gwen Thompson, a doll billed as a Homeless Girl who lives in a car with her mother, toy makers Tammel is unveiling their latest, just in time for some pre-season selling. L...
Read full storyCanada became even more like America
Ice Floe #7, Nunavut - President Obama recently noticed that there was a new quasi-nation just north of Canada. Calling in his advisors, he learned that Nunavut got it's start by Canada's continued desire to be just like the United States. Canada...
Read full storyArtificial Wank Hand Created In Italy
Italian scientists believe that they have successfully created the first ever artificial wank hand. Previous attempts led to users complaining of a lack of feeling. Now Professor Luigi Crackoneoffi says such problems are a thing of the past. "We have...
Read full storySomalian Militants Appoint Bargis Tryhol as Mullah of Mammaries in Bra Crackdown!
Mogadishu, Somalia - Bargis Tryhol, world famous international rake, connoisseur of women breasts, and known as 'The Nookie Expert from Newark', announced he was taking a government position with the very irregular Somalian de facto government in a...
Read full storyRoyal Male Strike Latest
News from the Royal Male strike. The dispute shows no sign of ending. Spokesman for the Royal Male strikers, HRH Prince Charles, said "Until management accept our demands we shall not return to work." The dispute began when a demand for a change to t...
Read full storyUS balloon parents face charges
The parents of a President believed to have allowed a helium balloon to strike the Twin Towers in New York City will face international charges. The Secretary of the International Court of Human Justice in The Hague, Jimbob Alderman, was speaking...
Read full storyPentagon satellite scans 'show Maddie running to Tapas Bar?'
Praia da Illuzion - (Pie-in-the-Sky): Kidnap investigators are demanding answers amid astonishing preliminary analysis of US spy-in-the-sky satellite footage. Unconfirmed reports claim to show 'a child running from the McCann Ocean Club Apartment...
Read full storyNorth of the country up in arms over alleged weather forecasting discrimination
British weather forecasters were today defending what has been described as regional discrimination. Viewers, listeners and readers of British media are said to be incensed by what they see as a South Eastern bias in weather reportage and forecas...
Read full storyPi actually does repeat
Accra, Ghana - It has recently been determined by Professor M'buku of the Ghana Community College of Cosmetology that Pi actually does repeat itself. Using seventeen hundred TRS-80 computers (16K of RAM whether you need it or not) working in tandem f...
Read full storyThe Agony and the Ecstasy
Nervously you look around, you hope you are alone Your colon is reminding you that you are in the zone Perhaps a chance to ease the load You sneak one out, then cross the road. The people here are thick and fast, you wanted solitude You clench your buttocks and your teeth, not wanting to seem rude Mayhaps a quick one, just for laughs You let one go, away it wafts. You waddle in, the sh...
Read full storyAn Ode to Diarrhea
It never gives you warning It leaves you feeling ill The speed at which it leaves your bum Will never cease to thrill The sneaky little blighter Makes you think it's wind, not poo But when you try to squeeze one out You always follow through You cannot stray far from the bog Your ring will twitch and throb You'll squeeze your bum cheeks tightly shut But out will pop a blob It vis...
Read full storyPolice advisory: Upsetting them still a crime
Washington, DC - Retired Police Chief Henry Himmler, recently appointed spokesman for the North American Main Bureau of Law Agencies (NAMBLA), held a press conference this morning where he expressed concern about the upswing in "attitude" amongst the...
Read full storyMen only town discovered in Sweden
Following on from the revelations that women only town really does exist in Sweden, you won't be in the least bit shocked to find out that a town for men also exists. Just down the chocolate highway from Rugmunchers, behind the man made dyke const...
Read full storySteve Bruce Admits "I Love Beckham"
Possibly tiring of all the controversy surrounding his choice of David Beckham as Wednesday's Man of the Match, Steve Bruce has come clean. "Yes, it's true. I love David Beckham. It's a beard thing. I just want to run my fingers through his beard. I...
Read full storyGloria Allred sues Post Office on behalf of nation's men
Atlanta, Georgia - The latest reports from the American Cancer Society paint a grim tale. While approximately 190,000 men will get prostate cancer this year - the same as the number of women who get breast cancer - all resources of the United States...
Read full storyMy Candy Shoppe
I've often wondered what my life would be like if I opened a candy shoppe. Fucking awesome is how it would be! My candy shoppe would be in a small town on Main Street, USA. You know the kind I mean- the street is clean and free of potholes and speed bumps. Stately trees line the street and the sidewalks are free of litter and homeless people. My candy shoppe would be little bit seperated...
Read full storyThe Moulin Rouge Tells Amanda Holden of Britain's Got Talent "You're Too Short"
LONDON - Amanda Holden, the female judge on Britain's Got Talent, has had her dream of performing on the stage at the Moulin Rouge in Paris shattered. The manager of the Moulin Rouge Edouard-LaSalle St. Yves said that he was sorry that he had to r...
Read full storyTo Serve & to Protect
In 19th century, Lombroso, an Italian university professor and criminologist, believed that criminals had unusually abnormal features. Later, other scientists attributed the cause of crime to bad teachings of penitentiaries. Aside from penitentiaries, the society can also breed culprits. For instance, the legendary 'Miserable' hunchback can easily fall in love with a beauty while the beauty fai...
Read full storySuicide Note
Dear family, After much soul searching- and with the help of a bottle of malt liquor- I have decided to kill myself. I know I've always said that "you'll outlive me over my dead body," but circumstances have changed. You might be sad about my impending death, but we both know it's for the best. There's no denying that I'm a lousy wife, mother, poker player, ventriloquist and type setter.
Read full story'Man With World's Largest Penis And Woman With World's Largest Vagina Axed By TV Channel' Story - First Anniversary Party Planned
One time impoverished factory worker turned billionaire Spoof writer Skoob1999 told us today that plans were afoot to celebrate the anniversary of best-selling Spoof news story 'Man With World's Largest Penis And Woman With World's Largest Vagina Axe...
Read full storyKate Winslet plays many prostitution roles
North Atlantic, Atlantic Ocean - Rose DeWitt Bukate, a prostitute who sadly escaped death on the Titanic, was played by Kate Winslet over ten years ago. It is unknown why so many still regard her character as "sweet" or "innocent". "We picked Kat...
Read full storySunderland 'Balloon' Goal Scuppers Sorry Scousers
Liverpool crisis continues as Rafa's boys minus Stevie G and Torres crash to defeat at Sunderland. Goal scored by Darren Bent, but bizarrely deflected from a balloon/beach ball launched onto the field of play by a Liverpool fan. Ironically. Liv...
Read full storySen. Kerry blasts plan for more Starbucks in Afghanistan
It would be irresponsible of President Barack Obama to commit to opening more Starbucks stores in Afghanistan when the outcome of that country's election is undecided, U.S. Senator John Kerry said on Saturday. In an interview with CNN's "State of...
Read full storyRetired Couple who Bought Old ICBM Missile Silo Stand to Make Millions; Discover booklets sold on EBay were full of ICBM launch codes!
When former Vicar and his wife moved to North Dakota they thought they found a bargain when they spotted a disused ICBM missile silo for sale for just $1; they thought wow, "I'll by that for a Dollar". Some 50,000 dollars or so later they got th...
Read full storyMike Tyson and Evander Holyfield End 12-Year Feud on The Oprah Winfrey Show
CHICAGO - After not speaking to each other for 12 years Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield were brought together by none other than the world's richest woman Oprah Winfrey. The two boxers had last seen each other during their championship bout in La...
Read full storyWaco-style massacre overdue, small church fears
Rejected Rock, Montana - There is fear here at the First Fundamentalist Bible Believing Church of Christ the Martyred Redeemer and Rock of Ages, Reformed. A fear that won't go away. A fear that it's been entirely too long since the government torch...
Read full storyTaleban Protection Racket - Mafia Bosses P*ss*d Either Way
The reason given for a furious assault on French troops in Afghanistan by Taleban warlords, which resulted in the unfortunate deaths of ten French peacekeepers was that the Taleban thought they were Italians who had reneged on a protection deal. I...
Read full storyBlackburn Rovers v Burnley Amid Massive Security Operation
Blackburn Rovers will tomorrow entertain neighbours and bitter rivals Burnley at Ewood Park tomorrow under tighter security measures than anything that ever existed at Guantanamo Bay. Burnley supporters, regardless of where they live, will be forc...
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