London, UK - Pedophiles the world over are expected to be boycotting "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows", due to be released sometime in 2010. It will be the first movie in which Emma Watson, the actress who plays Hermione Granger, is over 18.
For years, millions of middle aged pedophiles, creepy uncles, strange neigbors and your brother have been masturbating to the cute and pouty image of Hermione Granger. It is estimated that if each pervert who had pictured her in his own private classroom, staying after to plead for a higher grade, could be charged one dollar, that the actress who played Hermione would be one of the highest grossing actresses of all time.
Analysts note that in recent years, the number of otherwise normal men taking note of Hermione had exponentially increased, as she became closer to the legal age, while still retaining the allure of naughtiness. There was a subsequent slight decrease amongst the purely pedophilic, but even that crowd still found the actress young enough. Specialists refer to this as TOTS, or "The Olson Twins Syndrome".
Given that the actress was born in 1990, and that the Harry Potter franchise seemed destined to make endless movies, pedophiles, pervs, and lately, purveyors of older teens in general, seemed to be on board an endless gravy train. But nothing lasts forever.
The trouble started in the last film, "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince". Filming of Hermiones role lasted until May of 2008 - yet her 18th birthday was in April of that year. Thus started one of the more unusual difficulties in the history of masturbation, and prompted a record spike in sales of Viagra and Cialis from millions of concerned men.
Private interviews were conducted by doctors all over the world. Eddie Smith (name changed to protect his privacy) was a representative sample. When asked to describe what happened, Eddie related:
"I was watching the last Harry Potter movie, alone, of course. I was at 'full attention', so to speak, and timing it to delay things till the end. But as it got to the last part of the movie, it just went limp. No amount of effort could stop it, no matter how much I stared at Hermione. Something was horribly wrong."
It was then that doctors - consulting with filmmakers - realized the truth. That for the last part of the Half-Blood Prince, the actress was actually of legal age, and thus held no appeal for her more hard core pedophilic fans at all. More normal masturbatory viewers, by contrast, enjoyed the last scene even more than usual. Doctors prescribed varioius ED related drugs, and encouraged their perverted patients to conclude matters before the final scenes of that movie.
But such won't work now, as in the last installment, Emma Watson is over 18 right from the start. Many pedophiles are outraged at this, pointing out that were it not for incessant production delays that have plagued the last two movies, the whole series could have been done while Hermione was safely under 18.
Such groups are increasingly organized, and have called for a world wide boycott to show their displeasure. "Do the producers think that people just liked seeing the same tired plot over and over?", said Frank La Salle, President of the American Pedophilic Association. "Didn't they realize who their fan base was?"
Those involved with the film are in actuality painfully aware of this, and serious thought was given to signing on a younger actress. However, given that the numbers of more normal men greatly exceed the hard core pedos, it was decided to simply tap into that larger fan base, and dismiss the concerns of the perverted.
Reached for comment, "Hermione" said, "If they give me time, they won't be disappointed. I still look like I'd be fun to keep after class for a private detention!"