Waco-style massacre overdue, small church fears

Funny story written by Alexandria177

Sunday, 18 October 2009

image for Waco-style massacre overdue, small church fears
"We know they're coming to kill us. It's what they do.", said Sister Lydia

Rejected Rock, Montana - There is fear here at the First Fundamentalist Bible Believing Church of Christ the Martyred Redeemer and Rock of Ages, Reformed. A fear that won't go away. A fear that it's been entirely too long since the government torched a church with citizens in it like at Waco, or even so much as destroyed a family like at Ruby Ridge.

This church, founded 10 years ago by a former garage band singer and one time petty thief, would seem to have some grounds for fear. "We are despised for our beliefs", said Angie Harmon, mother of three of The Father's 37 children. "They don't understand that to us, racial purity, child brides and large amounts of rifles are sacraments."

Local townfolk do point out that in spite of the church's reclusiveness and strange beliefs, they are actually harmless. "Not that harmlessness has ever kept the government off a group's back before.", said Mayor Thompson. "I fear for that church, I really do."

A preliminary investigation done by the FBI - which maintains files on any group over 10 in America - tends to support the Mayor's view. "Hell, their racial views aren't much different then the Bureau's", said one agent on condition of anonymity. "The 'child brides' are all at least 16, same as my mom was when she had me. And they have less rifles per person then most Montanans. They just want to be left in peace. Poor fools, like that's going to happen."

Church members fear that as the same could have been said of the Branch Davidians, their day will soon come. They note that it's been some years since the government hosted a large scale massacre of the "different thinking", and clearly they are overdue. Some hold out hope, though.

"Sure it's been a few years, but that's just because they've been going in for quantity, not quality. No churches or cabins torched, but plenty of killings of one or two people - agitators, tax rebels, malcontents or religionists.", said The Father Malachi Jones. "If you add up all those killed, or captured and imprisoned to die, it adds up to six or seven good sized massacres."

Most members, unlike The Father, fear that such is not enough. They get that the numbers of Americans killed and oppressed is the same, but feel that it doesn't satisfy the various government agencies, the news media, and the bored American public the way a good old fashioned massacre would.

"It's tough times in Obama's America. Government agencies fear budget cuts, media conglomerates are suffering stock price drops, people are getting restless. The time is ripe for some government agencies to justify their budget, boost news circulation, and take American minds off the recession.", said Holly Winslet, third wife to the Father.

Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists nation wide are getting antsy for some action on the part of the Federal government. "I'm sure getting tired of showing all the graphs proving that kids were shot by agents at Waco. Or that them two potheads at the Rainbow Farm were innocent. We need something big for the government to cover up again, so I can get more people interested in listening to me babble.", said John F.K. Hanson, from his basement apartment at his mother's house.

The Federal Government would not comment on a scheduled time for the destruction of those that will be called "racists", "cultists", "terrorists", "extemists" and "child molestors", but assured this reporter for TheSpoof that it would come in good time.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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