Kilroy-Silk Suggests The Army Occupy Poland
Former MP, chat show host, and alleged racist Robert Kilroy Silk put his foot in it again last night on 'Question Time' during a debate over Afghanistan. Kilroy Silk claimed that a government spokesman had revealed that the reason for the military...
Read full storyBeatles in meltdown as Pete Best gets Delhi-belly
New Delhi, India - (Revolver): "First Macca's eyebrows started falling off," Sanilav Chowdery told reporters. "Then his face turned a squidgy goo, oozing at the eyeballs and detumescing onto Ringo's shoulder." The promoter was describing the e...
Read full storyCopycat Taleban shoot-out at Fort Hood Corrall?
Texas - (Rotters): The massacre of 12 US soldiers at Fort Hood 'could be a copycat ambush', our man in Kabulshit explained today. The spokesman said the US incident bore some of the hallmarks of this week's Afghan police officer's shooting of five...
Read full storyTwo Foot Eight Inch Verne Troyer aka "Mini-Me" Hit With Temporary Restraining Order
WEST HOLLYWOOD - The 2 foot 8 inch tall (or rather short) actor known as "Mini-Me" Verne Troyer has been issued a temporary restraining order. Police reports indicate that the tiny little bitty fella has been sending some very not-so-nice emails a...
Read full storyFanimal Flees Edinburgh, Cornered in Brugge
Still wanted by Interpol in Europe, Fanimal Peperami was reportedly seen in at least three countries since his last reported sighting in the U.K. a week ago. Found in Scotland frequenting numerous pubs on Rose Street in Edinburgh, patrons reported se...
Read full storyPope Caught With His Pants Down
Vatican City, Rome - Pope Benedict XVI was caught quite literally with his pants down. Early in the morning on Dec 8th of last year just before leaving to attend the Solemnity of the Immaculate Conception of the Blessed Virgin Mary ceremony, a Swiss...
Read full storyRihanna claims Chris Brown, Bobby Brown are serial "Bitch Slappers"!
Rihanna after being beaten up by Chris Brown claims that he and Bobby Brown are both serial "Bitch Slappers" and other "Bitches" are no way safe! Chris, currently serving community service and Bobby looking for a Bitch to slap up are both renowned...
Read full storyOctomom Plus Jon Equals Al Gore's Wrath
The possible "joining together" of Octomom, Nadya Suleman and Jon Gosselin has brought down the wrath of "Save The Earth" Al Gore. "What kind of message are we sending today's teens who watch these people and their shows?", asked the former Vice...
Read full storyThe New York Yankees Win The World Series For The 99th Time
NEW YORK CITY - The New York Yankees have just won the 2009 World Series. They defeated the Philadelphia Phillies in game six 7 to 3. And in capturing the world baseball title, Yankees owner George Steinbrenner has shown the sports world what spen...
Read full storyQuentin Tarantino buys rights from Spoof writers for "Bordello Falls Saga"
Quentin Tarantino was so bowled over by the epic Spoof writers saga called "Bordello Falls" that he promptly payed the writers $12 million for the copyright, the right to film it and all related merchandise sold. Quentin said he had never stopped...
Read full storyA Strange, Troubling Voice Haunts Obama In The Middle Of The Night
It began shortly after the inauguration. He already knew, that as President, there would be certain things he could never talk over with anyone. The mysterious voice in the White House bedroom in the middle of the night was one of them. It began subtly at first- a small, steady, but powerful voice much like the one that enticed Kevin Costener in 'Field Of Dreams' only more sinister, saying...
Read full storyKatie Price aka Jordan Incinerated At Edenbridge
Peter Andre, estranged husband of strange glamour model cum reality TV star and ultra-successful drunken slapper Katie Price aka Jordan was reported to be clapping his hands and dancing around the garden of his Brighton home like a demented meerkat u...
Read full storyChinese ambassador Madam Fu claims she's up for a sandwich with X-Factor's John and Edward Grimes
Madam Fu Ying has hit out at press reports that she dislikes her neighbours Jedward by sending an open letter to the media declaring her support for the Irish twins. "Their perseverance, work ethic, dedication to excellence and ability to look goo...
Read full storyBill O'Reilly Fires Broadside at "Comrade Obama"
Popular Fox "News" Commentator Bill O'Reilly launched an astonishing attack on American President Barack Obama today. "The Russians and the Chinese have less regulation and more freedom of trade than we do. If I was dying of heart disease, and co...
Read full storyAmy Winehouse Knocks Herself Out!
In a freak accident Monday, (the only kind Amy Winehouse, ever seems to have) Amy Winehouse was found unconscious on the street in New York as taxi cabs swerved to miss her. Finally, a person who had ran out to clean windshields for a small fee, h...
Read full storyThe Loch Ness Monster Humped My Labrador!
Happily married couple Jimmy and Jemima MacFucksakes were enjoying a Highland drive-by vacation when they stopped on the shores of Loch Ness to exercise their pet labrador, Sityabastard. They were horrified by what happened next. Jemima MacFuck...
Read full storyColin Farrell Shaves, Goes Unrecognized in Hollywood
Reportedly based on advice from his agent, international women's top ten favorite bad-boy, Colin Farrell has shaved his facial hair, trimmed back his hair style and even tweezed his eyebrows. The new look was designed to take Farrell away from pre...
Read full storyDoctor Who Is Going WHERE?!
LOS ANGELES - NBC has announced that Scottish actor David Tennant has been chosen as the lead in a new pilot, "Rex Is Not Your Lawyer," in which he will portray a Chicago attorney who is prone to panic attacks, and therefore must teach clients to def...
Read full storyI lied to save Bush's ass says Kerik
White Plains - (Rotters): "I lied to save Bush and Cheney's filthy ass," former 9/11 NYPD commissioner Bernard Kerik told a Washington federal court today. "Like, what else is new?" prosecution counsel was heard retorting sotto voce as George W B...
Read full storyLembit Opik Dumps Katie Green His Gorgeously Beautiful "Lingerie Model" Girlfriend
LONDON - British Liberal Democrat Politician Lembit Opik has surprised family, friends, fellow politicians, and most of the members of the free world by dumping a woman who literally oozes sex. Katie Green, the full-figured beautifully gorgeous go...
Read full storyRussell Brand Shows Katy Perry A Trick Or Two - Announces He Wants To Settle Down
Tatty headed comedian, actor, one time junkie, and close friend of Fawlty Towers actor, Andrew 'Manuel' Sachs, the one and only Russell Brand has reportedly shown new squeeze Katy Perry a 'trick or two.' Perry, an MTV presenter and songstress arti...
Read full storyFerguson complains of "squeeky bum"
Sir Alex Ferguson's famously coined catch-phrase may have come back to haunt him ahead of his teams much anticipated match at Stamford Bridge this weekend. Often intended to denote a nervous time or period of the season for one or more football te...
Read full storyAlan Titchmarsh And Rusty Lee In Live TV Sausage Making Disaster
What was supposed to be a routine cooking item on gardening ace Alan Titchmarsh's UK afternoon magazine show descended into the realms of farce today as Afro-Caribbean-Brummie madcap cook Rusty Lee attempted to make home made sausages. For Caribbe...
Read full storyAfghanistan top exporter of Corruption
Corruption has become a major export item for Afghanistan. Sources close to the UN have confirmed during a private dinner party at London's Dorchester Hotel that it is hard to resist corruption from Afghanistan as the product is so generously package...
Read full storyCelebrity Beardwatch - First Sting Looks Like A Tramp And Then Jim Carrey Brings His Monster To London
A disturbing new fashion trend has developed on both sides of the Atlantic recently, and it's really getting a lot of people hot under the collar for a variety of reasons. Big bushy tramp beards. US actor Jim Carrey showed up at the London prem...
Read full storyConcern as 'joy' comes to Liverpool
Liverpool ace Ryan Babel was forced into a grovelling apology last night after his wonder strike against French pace-setters Olympique Lyonnais caused outbreaks of joy on Merseyside. Liverpool's continued presence in the Champions League was hangi...
Read full storyNicole Kidman's Secret Sex Life
Award winning Aussie actress, Nicole Kidman, star of movies such as 'Eyes Wide Shut' 'Put Another Prawn On The Barbie Mate' and 'Christ Blue, That's A Whopper!' has shattered the illusion of her being an untouchable ice queen. Kidman, once married...
Read full storyFormer Bill Clinton Aide Can't Get A Date
Betty Salas, a former aide to President Bill Clinton, claims that she can't get a date because of working alongside Monica Lewinsky, and blames both for her problem. "Just because everyone knew that I too was starry-eyed over the President, I did...
Read full storyFabregas - "Make an honest woman out of me"
Arsenal Captain Cesc Fabregas sent a chilling ultimatum to his Manager, Arsene Wenger, by claiming the French man has 48 hours to make an honest woman of him, or he will find a manager that will. "Frankly, I am sick of this. I feel the last 5 year...
Read full storyAngelina Jolie's Bizarre Confession: "I Want To Adopt Conway Twitty"
Nice, France - In hospital here in France for a suspected case of swine flu, Angelina Jolie admitted to a male nurse that she has the desire to adopt one of the most successful country music artists in US history, Conway Twitty. Unfortunately, Con...
Read full storyAsian cleared of shouting abuse at Nick Griffin
Asian Tariq Phalid was yesterday cleared of shouting racial abuse at plump BNP leader Nick Griffin. Mr Phalid, speaking through an interpreter told reporters that he had not abused Mr Griffin, but had actually shouted, 'Get all these bloody spongi...
Read full storyVictoria Beckham victim of wee piggy scam
Victoria Beckham has reputedly put a £1,400 deposit on two micro pigs as a Christmas present for husband David. Local farmer Farmer Palmer, whose land adjoins the Beckhams fortress 'Beckingham Palace', told our reporter to, "Gerrof moi f****n land...
Read full story"I saw Elvis!" claims Michael Jackson
Singer Michael Jackson has stunned his fans once more by claiming he saw Elvis Presley. The 50 year old megastar insisted: "Hee! Hee! It's true." His family refused to comment but a close friend, Cleopatra of the All-Seeing Eye, confirmed it wa...
Read full storyLunatic traffic warden has English village living in fear
Britain's most hated Traffic Warden, Geoffrey Showboat, is in the headlines again. Mr Showboat, 53, dubbed 'The Human Ticket Machine' has issued more than 20,000 tickets in this financial year, completely outstripping previous Olympic standard bas...
Read full storyGreedy MPs gloat over massive salary proposals
Greedy MPs were today laughing all the way to the bank at the public's expense. After publishing his blueprint for stamping out 'deplorable' expenses abuses, sleaze watchdog, Sir Christopher Kelly signalled to the indignant House of Common as Muck...
Read full storyMan Thought He'd Shit Himself, But Had Only Farted!
There was panic then total relief in Thailand today when an English teacher in Bangkok thought he'd shit himself, but, as luck would have it, had only farted in his underkegs! The man - me, of course - had just finished eating his horrible dinner...
Read full storyMarks & Sponser @Newcastle.
Newcastle United fans are waking up fuming this morning at the prospect of their home ground being renamed. Mike Ashley assured a press conference there is no law against renaming the club. "I looked it up in my Subbuteo rule book." He said. T...
Read full storyObama asked to resign
The Association for Black Continuity (ABC) asked President Obama to step down immediately to secure the chances of future black candidates to be elected. ABC Vice-President Leroy Washington said that Barak Obama was an android created in a labora...
Read full storyCouple forced to divorce at the airport
A couple who had booked cheap seats with Cheap-n-air to Berlin for their wedding anniversary were asked to pay a surcharge of £150 by the airline company at Luton Airport this morning. The wife was in tears as she was looking forward to this trip...
Read full storyRev. Al Sharpton Demands The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader Who Impersonated Lil' Kim Be Fired!
DALLAS - Rev. Al Sharpton has phoned Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones and demanded that he immediately fire the blonde Cowboys cheerleader who put on black face make up and impersonated rapper Lil' Kim at a Halloween party. Cowboys owner Jones res...
Read full storyRafa to consider player/manager role at Pool
There was no shortage of drama today, ahead of this evenings champions league fixtures. Liverpool Manager Rafa Benitez claimed he could return to the playing field if the current form of his side does not improve. "I knew we were lacking depth. Wi...
Read full storyLight Shed on Dark Matter
The search for dark matter has occupied the minds of many of the brightest scientists in the world. They can't see it and are continually searching for signs of its existence. In a surprising development progress on this area of research has come...
Read full storyFemale Suicide Bomber Aborted Mission
A woman who planned on detonating stink bombs on the London Underground system told jurors at the Old Bailey today that she called off the attack at the last minute because she wasn't altogether sure that she'd closed the kitchen window, or left wate...
Read full storyRookie Civil War Reenactor Pissed That He Has To Play Role Of Rebel Who "Died From The Shits"
Rookie Civil War reenactor John Hunter has told his fellow actors that if he doesn't get a new role in his participation of the reenactment of the Battle of Antietam, he is selling all the shit he has bought on eBay and going back home. "What's t...
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