Rookie Civil War reenactor John Hunter has told his fellow actors that if he doesn't get a new role in his participation of the reenactment of the Battle of Antietam, he is selling all the shit he has bought on eBay and going back home.
"What's the fun in dying while shitting in the bushes?", asked John. "I realize the Confederacy was poorly fed and clothed and many died of dysentery, but I'd rather catch a Yankee bullet and go into my dying scene where I hit the ground hard and lie there kicking while the ketchup runs out my beard."
John Hunter told us reporters that it wouldn't be so bad if he could just run out of a john but apparently there were no shithouses on the battlefield, other than the leaders of both sides.
"I could stagger out the door of the shithouse, my pants to my knees and hit the ground hard while kicking my feet as the chocolate syrup runs out my long johns empty flap!"
However, old timers with the group say that many had to start their own career hunkered in the bushes but that they would talk to the people in charge of the reenactment to see if they could allow John to come running out before his last crap.
"John gets a little too far into his role", stated one Private. "He'll probably take a bunch of laxatives and do the job right. That could have a nasty affect on the crowd, especially those real close by."