Light Shed on Dark Matter

Funny story written by George Fripley

Thursday, 5 November 2009

The search for dark matter has occupied the minds of many of the brightest scientists in the world. They can't see it and are continually searching for signs of its existence.

In a surprising development progress on this area of research has come, not from the geophysical or astronomical community, but from a collaboration between medical and social scientists.

Addressing the long held notion that visible matter only makes up a fraction of the weight of the universe, Dr Paul de Oddorwan (a neuroscientist) and his team of researchers at Noncomprendia University, believe they have discovered where some of this dark matter lies. To explain this, we need to look at the current search for dark matter and how it relates to gravity.

Dr Oddorwan and his current PhD candidate, Grant Spender who is studying the physics of government philosophy, have spent many years trying to track down dark matter, and how it might relate to gravitational anomalies. They believe they have proven that, not only can dark matter be the cause of such anomalies, but that it also drawn to situations where there is already significant gravity.

Through a combination of empirical analysis and experimentation, they have found that the gravity of situations is exponentially increased by the presence of a type of dark matter, which they have called dim matter. When there is too much dim matter present, the gravity of some situations can get to the point of implosion, or explosion, depending on the nature of the matter at hand.

When they examined dim matter in detail, they found it to be an isotope of the recently discovered element, yet to be formally named, currently called Futilium. This element has a half-life of approximately 280 milliseconds, almost equal to the life of a good idea in government. However, work by Mr Spender has shown that the structure can be changed to make it more stable - in the short term. This isotope has one extra electron and has been named Tedium.

The normal structure of Futilium is 195 neutrons and 122 each of protons and electrons, giving it an atomic mass of 317. Usually in and out of existence in the blink of an eye, this element's negatively charged electrons can, in some instances, start attracting a new type of particle - the positively energized moron. These morons, while never being part of the Tedium, hang around and cause the element to become increasingly reactive until saturation point is reached. Once so overwhelmed, in begins to suck any energy it can out of the surrounding environment.

Once this occurs morons are repelled, however this does not appear to stop increasing numbers of morons wanting to attach themselves. These excess morons then hang in a cloud around any situation of gravity that they can find, awaiting the opportunity to latch on. They then travel around in ever decreasing circles until they crash into the nucleus, at which point they can cause an explosion. Positively energized morons have been shown to add very little weight to any situation and, in fact, consist mainly of a vacuum with very little surrounding substance. The sheer number of morons that are attracted to situations of significant gravity eventually leads to increased mass and instability.

However, this was only half of the story. Researchers then needed to find out where the dim matter (and all the additional morons) came from. By studying situations of significant gravity, they soon realised that there were carriers of dim matter would quietly attached themselves to unstable situations dangerously increasing the gravity. Drama Queens have been identified as the major carriers, but politicians, bureaucrats and fanatics of all sorts are also carriers. They then had to track where this dim matter was picked up by the carriers.

One theory that the team are following up is that there is a huge black hole composed of dim matter within each of the parliaments around the world and that these are major attractors of drama queens, and other carriers, to those institutions. These carriers then go and spread gravity to situations throughout their country, often taking positively energized morons with them. Dim matter also appears to replace grey matter in carriers.

Once Tedium had been characterized, the search for more of the morons was on. It has since been proven that there are indeed large numbers of positively energized morons in governments and all major bureaucracies throughout the world. They add extended life to Tedium through their leaching of energy from the environment and have been attracting increasing numbers of similar morons to affected institutions.

Dr de Oddorwan suggests that the dark matter that resides in bureaucracies is really dim matter that symbiotically reacts with many, many morons that travel around in ever-decreasing circles before reaching critical mass and exploding. Fallout from bureaucratic explosions has a half-life in excess of 20 years.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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