New Call Girls Stretched Limousines Working Well In Las Vegas
It's the newest thing here in the "What Happens Here Stays Here" City in Nevada, although it might move around a bit. Here, nerds live like Hollywood superstars for a short time anyway. For a fee of $600 per hour a client can climb into the "Longe...
Read full storyFoetid Waste of Skin makes pledge for 2010
Cressida Camel-Toe our Gossip Columnist reports: Well Dahlings, If you needed a reason to anticipate 2010 then you have one now, vacuous breast hanger Jordan has revealed her New Year's resolution to this publication. What will it be you gasp ? Well you guessed it, in a statement through her publicist Max C*nt she's claimed that she's going to stop moaning on and on about Muscle-bound An...
Read full storySt James' Park Renamed
The famous old football stadium Saint James'Park - home of Newcastle United - has now been renamed in a multi-million pound deal that will ensure regular income for the signwriters and souvenir makers. From January next year it will be known as: "...
Read full storyHouston Texans Cheerleaders Say They Will Go Topless
Tired of hearing about the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders all their lives a group of young cheerleaders will appear next year to lead the Houston Texans with half of the group going topless, the male half! "Our cheerleaders will wear as little as poss...
Read full storyFinally! - Miss California, Carrie Prejean Settles Her Beauty Pageant Lawsuit
EL SEGUNDO, California - After months of legal haggling and maneuvering, the case of Carrie Prejean, Miss California vs. The Miss California Pageant and Amalgamated Entity USA, has been settled. When the 22-year-old Miss Prejean was asked for the...
Read full storySex Discovered as Best Cure for Lack of Sex
Following an exhaustive seven year study by an international field of noted researchers and scientists, the pure act of sex was discovered to be the only real cure for the lack of sex. Though many activities, dietary changes and drug substances we...
Read full storyAmericans show dissatisfaction with Obama and demand George comes back for a 3rd term!
George Bush is alive and kicking especially after the latest gubernatorial races showed support for the ex-President and his Republican party! Dissatisfaction with Obama over the economy, his colour, losing the Olympic bid, has lead many Yanks to...
Read full storyNew Keyboards Announced for 2010 ICANN Standards
Hot on the news that internet domain names can now be created and registered in languages other than those based on Greek characters, Megakey Company has announced a new line of computer keyboards that accommodate five languages. Based on the stan...
Read full storyTooth Fairy's Drug Lab Raided by Interpol
Reportedly under investigation for years, the Tooth Fairy was arrested and charged with the illegal manufacture and distribution of at least four separate drug substances. Creating a powdered base of finely ground children's teeth, "TF", as she is...
Read full storyBreckenridge, Colorado Voters Approve Legalizing Marijuana
BRECKENRIDGE, Colorado - The Rocky Mountain town of Breckenridge, Colorado has just become the most map quested town in the entire world with tens of thousands of visitors expected to flock in from California alone. Breckenridge voters voted by a...
Read full storyTransexual Jesus is not GAY he just likes dressing that way!
The Glasgow Glas-GAY festival has caused massive Christian protests becaust in one GAY PLAY Jesus is depicted as a transexual! Staunch Christians are protesting outside the theatre claiming that gays, transexuals, lesbians, dog-lovers, right to lo...
Read full storyThe "First Mama" and The "First Kiddoes" Attend A Miley Cyrus Concert
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Well it looks like Malia and Sasha, the nation's two premier kids got to stay up late on a school night. The two girls were accompanied by their mother and three secret service agents to The Miley Cyrus Short-Shorted Siren From...
Read full storyRemember, remember the filth of November
London - (Drainspotting): Pardoned Equatorial Guinea coup plotter Simon Mann has vowed to wipe the smile off convicted fellow conspirator Sir Mark Thatcher's ugly mug. Mann said today that Thatcher was a Guy Fawkes figure who'd previously plotted...
Read full storyHalf Price Tickets for Train Passengers
Wikid-Innit Trains have offered a new deal to passengers with a low budget. Those passengers will be able to travel at half price if they agree to turn up at their station one hour earlier than their train is due, and participate in the station clean...
Read full storyAstronomers find clunkers on Mercury
PAYSON, AZ - According to Dr. Blacken E. Ye, head astronomer at the highest telescope in Arizona Mercury is quite the "iron planet". Nasa's Messenger probe has spotted what look like crushed clunkers on the surface of the planet. These iron rich...
Read full storyAngry mob flu-shot clinics
DENVER, Colo - According to my source, stab nurse Ms. Idasoon Peel, as the pandemic spreads, winter nears, and vaccine supplies are short angry mobs are demanding to be infected with the Swine flu. In valiant competition to contribute to solving the...
Read full storyMystery Of Why J. Edgar Hoover Wore Dresses Solved
Those old tales and jokes about tough man, Head of the FBI, J. Edgar Hoover wearing dresses in private and usually in bed are true according to a letter he wrote to "Agent 18" discovered Sunday in an old shoe box at the home of Hector Lindsey. App...
Read full storyRobert Pattinson May Not Be Able To Reproduce
Actor Robert Pattinson may not be able to produce any progeny, unless he bites them on the throat of course, as a source states that he may have a low sperm count. When interviewed by this reporter, an unnamed doctor's office help said that it was...
Read full storyBoris Johnson Arrested
When London mayor, Boris Johnson was riding through the streets of London on this cycle, he came across a bunch of thugs who were dressed inpink hoodies who were in the process of mugging a young girl who screamed for help. Boris told In Seine New...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan's Frantic, Frantic Naked Call For Help
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Lindsay Lohan placed a 911 call and told the operator that she wanted her to give her the number of her mother's cell phone. LiLo said that she was crying so much that she could not see the number on the cell phone number pad.
Read full storyRafa to consider player/manager role at Pool
There was no shortage of drama today, ahead of this evenings champions league fixtures. Liverpool Manager Rafa Benitez claimed he could return to the playing field if the current form of his side does not improve. "I knew we were lacking depth. Wi...
Read full storyNick Griffin Loses Ironic Court Case
An Asian man was cleared of racially abusing the cuddly racist Nick Griffin. The BNP leader is reported to be outraged. We found this difficult to prove as it's hard to tell though as he always looks like a fat owl taking a vindaloo shit. The Asi...
Read full storyDancing With The Stars: The Samurai, Mark Dacascos and The Cowboy, Michael Irvin Are Booted Out
HOLLYWOOD - The M and M boys, Mark and Michael were both eliminated from Dancing With The Stars. Iron Chef Mark Dacascos and ex-Dallas Cowboy Receiver Michael Irvin were both sent packing in a double elimination edition of DWTS. Samurai Mark sa...
Read full storyRedknapp responds to Wenger Accusation
The Tottenham Manager Harry Redknapp is believed to be furious over an allegation that he "pinched the bottom" of his Arsenal counterpart in the tunnel shortly after the conclusion of Saturday's derby. "If I'm being honest, Wenger has just gone do...
Read full storyNASA To Send "Comfort Girls" Into Space For Space Shuttle, Trip To The Moon
In Houston, NASA officials have revealed that they will be sending "Comfort Girls" along with future longtime flights to the Space Station or to the surface of the moon. "It was getting ridiculous out there", stated former astronaut Ben Swisher. Y...
Read full storyArthur Scargill: "Hypocrites who criticised the Miners Strike, have endorsed the Lisbon Treaty without a ballot or a referendum."
Yorkshire, ENGLAND: Arthur Scargill the former British trade union and political party leader has hit out at his critics of the 1984-85 miners' strike. Arthur Scargill the President of the National Union of Mineworkers (NUM) from 1981 to 2000 and b...
Read full storyApocalyptic Guy Fawkes Day omen on Queen's arse!
London - (Bonfire of the Insanities): A nasty swastika-shaped rash has appeared on the Queen's bottom after a spell in the Buckingham Palace tanning booth. HM had been topping up her sunkissed arse, er... right royal radience! - ahead of tomorrow'...
Read full storyWenger: "Redknapp pinched my bottom in tunnel"
Arsenal Manager Arsene Wenger shocked the footballing world today, when he claimed Harry Redknapp copped a feel of his bottom, shortly after the Arsenal Tottenham match on Saturday. Wenger admits the astonishment he felt after what he described a...
Read full storyMeatloaf and Yoko to help the 'Bleeding Bankers'
BAT OUT OF HELL rocker Meatloaf is joining forces with an unlikely ally to raise awareness of poverty-stricken bankers who may be down to their last mil. Meatloaf, real name Hilary Clare, will highlight their plight in a new single featuring the l...
Read full storyBush Senior defiant about Hague hearing
Ex-American leader George Herbert Bush insisted he needs more time to buy off more of the media, to avoid an appearance at the Hague on charges of war crimes. Mr. Bush has boycotted all attempts at being tried for the crimes that spanned the years...
Read full storyBilateral Asymmetric Gynecomastia: A Growing Problem
Waterford, KY: Every since he was a young boy, Peter Johnson had been told he was special. "I didn't know why or how, until I took my shirt off in public. I was special all right." Peter, like over eighty percent of Kentucky's male population, suffers from gynecomastia, or "man boobs" as it's commonly known on the streets. But what is special about Peter's case, and a growing number of other...
Read full storyKanye West Dating "Vagina Girl" of So You Think You Can Dance
LOS ANGELES - Chenile Poonisha Pennypacker who just happens to be the most popular dancing contestant to ever appear on the dancing reality show So You Think You Can Dance has just announced that she is dating hip hop rapper bad boy Kanye West. A...
Read full storyMan Spots Remnants Of Child's Dinner On Stairs, But Fails To Take Any Action
There was near-pandemonium in a Bangkok school this lunchtime, when an English teacher originally from Hull in East Yorkshire, spotted the upset remnants of a child's dinner on the stairs, but refused to do anything about it, and left it right where...
Read full storyDetroit, MI: Scientists Discover "FAT F*&%" gene
DETROIT, MI: While many blame the prevalence of fast food and poor eating habits on the nation's current weight problem, a renown scientist in Detroit has discovered a mutant genetic strain that may suggest otherwise. Dr. Katz, director of the Medi...
Read full storyLocal church's Jesus Christ comes down off the cross
WIXOM, MICHIGAN: Town Officials confirmed last weeks rumor that Jesus Christ did in fact come down off the cross inside Our Ladies of Blessed Mercy church. Tom Meyers, a janitor at the church, was the first to discover Christ missing from the l...
Read full storyColin Firth to Marry Susan Boyle
Handsome British actor Colin Firth announced today that he has fallen in love with Britain's Got Talent star and media sensation Susan Boyle and they plan to marry at the end of May! "I truly love Susan", First told a riveted news media. "Beneath...
Read full storyCzechoslovakia surrenders to Germany
BERLIN, Germany - According to my source, Heinze Kissinger, a virtual Reichsbahn meant to transform Europe into a powerful Fourth Reich passed its last major hurdle Tuesday and appears set to become law within weeks. Czechoslovakian President Cave...
Read full storyMan Knocks Son Into Next Week
When the phone rang at the Muff's residence Thursday night, Mr. Muff was quite surprised to hear his son Howard's voice on the other end of the line. "Hello, Dad? I'm calling you from next week, and guess what?...You're in jail!" Howard had a few...
Read full storyBrad Pitt Confesses To Larry King He Is Going To Take Jennifer Aniston Back
LOS ANGELES - Brad Pitt has just dropped a bombshell on the Larry King Live Show. He has informed Larry that he has gotten so tired of Angelina Jolie's constant nagging that he wants to get back with his ex-wife Jennifer in the worst way. Brad sai...
Read full storyRobert Pattinson turns Gangsta!
23 year old Robert Pattinson announced that he was turning 'Gangsta' on October 29, 2009. He decided that he didn't like people knowing him as 'The vampire from 'Twilight''. He says, "I want to have my own image. Something people will remembe...
Read full storyDOPE moves forward - Director-General annouces results of departmental review.
Kon d'Enwharey, Director General of the Department for Overseeing Parks and Environment (DOPE), yesterday announced the result of a far-reaching and over-arching review of the department's services. Mr d'Enwharey was pleased to announce that the r...
Read full storyGreat Government Philosophers - The Classic Era
Have you ever wondered why government works the way it does? Well, you're not alone. Many great thinkers have spent years studying government and how it should work. These individuals are often overlooked, but they provide important insights into how bureaucratic systems work. To find the origins from which modern government has grown we need to look back at the classic ancient civilizationsof...
Read full storyThe Official Government Prayer
It is time to remember Cardinal Slumberus Drone, born today in 1859. Cardinal Drone did not make a large contribution to the evolution of government, as he spent most his time in the House of Lords soundly asleep and unaware of the machinations occuring around him. He did, however, wake up long enough to realise what was going on around him and took time to write the official government p...
Read full storyL.A Galaxy Boss Bruce Arena: "We owe it all to Tupac"
Los Angeles Galaxy Boss Bruce Arena claims mid-nineties hip-hop rivalries between the East and West coasts have inspired his team to greater heights. "I'm from New York myself, so of course back in the day I was riding for Biggie", Arena admitted...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan joins protect the Polar Ice-caps Campaign
Lindsay Lohan has joined the "Protect the Polar Ice-caps campaign", and she plans to help this organisation by sponsoring her own giant Iceberg. Lindsay says "Everybody needs to do the same because its like such a very worthwhile thing to do. Its th...
Read full story