DENVER, Colo - According to my source, stab nurse Ms. Idasoon Peel, as the pandemic spreads, winter nears, and vaccine supplies are short angry mobs are demanding to be infected with the Swine flu. In valiant competition to contribute to solving the world's overpopulation, pushing and shoving to get to the front of the stab line is common.
Those who would be sacrificed are frustrated by delays in injection of the virus into them. Many are raving because they are not in one of the two 'special' groups - children and pregnant women - given priority because they seem most prone to reproduce. "We are insulted that we appear too old to have kids and contribute to the population problem," their indignant faces seem to proclaim, according to Ms. Peel, who often tries to placate the angriest ones with a stone caved to look like a bar of soap.
If they are really angry, she gives them some diet cola with extra aspartame.