Foetid Waste of Skin makes pledge for 2010

Funny story written by Ulver

Wednesday, 4 November 2009


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Jordan today !

Cressida Camel-Toe our Gossip Columnist reports:

Well Dahlings, If you needed a reason to anticipate 2010 then you have one now, vacuous breast hanger Jordan has revealed her New Year's resolution to this publication.

What will it be you gasp ?

Well you guessed it, in a statement through her publicist Max C*nt she's claimed that she's going to stop moaning on and on about Muscle-bound Antipodean Genius and ex-husband Peter Andre at the end of this year!

Speaking to The Buzz, the Cycle's celebrity magazine, she said: "From the New Year, I never want to talk about him again, coz he's like my ex and shit innit and I'm like so over him or some shit."

But running true to form, the low IQ'd foreskin bucket reject then went on to get stuck right into her ex all over again - suggesting that he should be on medication, and probably should have been throughout their marriage, we're guessing that must be Viagra, since there can't be any other way that hapless Andre could have achieved tumescence in bed with that scabrous witch.

She went on: "Pete's been blaming me for his panic attacks and nosebleeds,and the huge suppurating lesions all over his genitals. What next? I expect it will be my fault next time he stubs his toe, catches his balls in his zip, or wraps his cock around the winch mechanism of his Land Cruiser. I'm sick of it, I tells yer, I just wants to like screw geezers and shit and get on with being an atrocious role model for children everywhere.

All of which is exceedingly ironic since Andre has insisted in his column for New Balls magazine, that she should leave him alone, and stop breaking into his house while he sleeps to fashion plaster of paris dildoes from his drowsy manhood.

But Jordan continued: "I have panic attacks and I also have suppurating genital lesions, my brain is also so small that the Large Hadron Collider would have a problem locating it, but you don't hear me going on about it. Especially the big leaky lesions, you just wouldn't go on about those I mean they're like disgusting innit !"

She then went on:

"I think he should maybe get some help from a specialist clinic and look at getting some medication for the problem, I hear they do very good creams for these things these days, and a good dose of Mercury is excellent for the Dagenham Drip."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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