London - (Bonfire of the Insanities): A nasty swastika-shaped rash has appeared on the Queen's bottom after a spell in the Buckingham Palace tanning booth.
HM had been topping up her sunkissed arse, er... right royal radience! - ahead of tomorrow's glittering Bonfire Night party.
Most invitees to Thursday night's extravaganza were described today as veterans or descendants of a 1936 Nazi funeral procession through central London.
They had marched behind German ambassador Leopold von Hoesch's funeral cortege in a classic forerunner to Princess Diana's own public requiem.
Frenetic poltergeist activity in the Buckingham Palace steam room this week may now scupper the Gunpowder Plot reception.
Palace lackeys said today Guy Fawkes' ghost is tormenting Old Fatty Ratzinger and playing havoc with her frontal lobe implants.
Charles and Camilla have decamped to Canada to spread their risible succession claims.