US President jailed on Iraq murders
A US President has been jailed for 350 years in prison, for murdering 125,000 Iraqis in 1990. George Herbert Bush was sentenced today by the Worldwide Court of Rights, for what the judge called 'mass-murdering civilians and destroying the entire n...
Read full storyA Children's Tale
Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin. Once upon a time there was a pretty girl named Jackie, and she was liked and admired by all the other girls at her school. So there was much sadness and tears when she left to go and become a secretary in someone's home, but she knew she was a grown-up now, and wanted to work. And every day she worked hard, boys and girls, and smiled and talked a...
Read full storyMichael Owen - I quit
Michael Owen, Newcastle United's number one striker, has quit international football. The diminutive England man, with 40 goals in 89 games for his country, has decided that enough is enough. A statement today said, "It looks like I have fallen ou...
Read full storyMichelle Forces CEO of Largest Pizza Emporium to Resign after Spam Left Off Big Family Order!
Washington,DC/ Big Fucking Food Fight - The second shoe hit the floor today, following Obama's imperialistic dismissal of GM's Rick Wagoner, when Pepi "Big Sal" Salvadore Jr. was forced to step down from his position as founder and CEO of Big Sal's P...
Read full storyPsycho six: master Bates Brown in Hotel horror film fiasco
Norman "Master Bates" Brown has finally been apprehended for murdering the British economy. Police formerly charged Norman moron for his ten-year reign of terror, which saw the deaths and disposal of several attractive and healthy companies. Bate...
Read full storyPolice discover arse in field
It was reported today that Norfolk Police made a grim discovery in a field near Stalham. A human arse semi buried on the edge of a newly planted potato field next to the A149. DC Dick Bone investigating the whereabouts of the owner of the arse...
Read full storyLady Goes GaGa over Kajagoogoo!
Italian American New York Dance Diva Lady GaGa today revealed that she has the hots for "Limahl" from 80's pop sensations and Leighton Buzzard's finest band - Kajagoogoo! "I just love his crazy hair" gushed the latin songstress. "I could just d...
Read full storyTiger Woods is God! No, literally!
THE secret is out. The coincidences are too much of a coincidence. Ask any golfer and they will tell you that no mere human can do what He did and is doing. Sure, He loses occasionally at golf but that is only in keeping with His "mysterious ways" an...
Read full storyPMS linked to women's shopping habits
Psychologists have found that up to 10 days before a woman has her period she will go out on a shopping spree and spend, spend and spend. They believe that this can be a way for premenstrual women to deal with the negative emotions caused by their ho...
Read full storyDonald Trump Kicks Dennis Rodman Off Celebrity Apprentice
NEW YORK CITY - The Celebrity Apprentice Guru, Donald Trump has fired one more team player, or in the case of Dennis Rodman, one team non-player. Ex-NBA star and seven time defensive player of the year Dennis Rodman, 47, was sent packing by the Do...
Read full story'Barack Christ Superstar' song released
Inspired by a Spoof writer's jibe about Barack Obama entering London on an ass, songwriters Andrew Lloyd-Webfoot and Tim Nice rewrote their famous 'Jesus Christ Superstar' song, and released it as a single. And here are the lyrics: 'VOICE OF JUDAS ISCARIOT Every time we look at you we don't understand Why you let the war you opposed get back out of hand You'd have managed better if your na...
Read full storyMadonna offer to adopt Jacqui Smith's kids
Pop diva Madonna has offered to adopt the children of the Home Secretary. Madge made the dramatic offer in Malawi, where she is already shopping for new additions to her family. Asked why she had singled out children who have living, healthy pare...
Read full storyRich No Longer Protected From Realities Of Life By Poor
Tragedy has hit the upper levels of our society today as the economic crisis has caused many of the rich to lose their cushion of poor people that protected them from having to experience the basics of life. Many of the rich now have to polish their...
Read full storyLobster Boy Dead At 51!
Brandy Fortneer of Wichita, Kansas says her husband, Augustus, 51, a sideshow performer and part time criminal who went by the theatrical name of "Lobster Boy" because of a genetic deformity which left him with fingers-attached together lobster-claw-...
Read full storyScrap eighth home allowance, Brown suggests
Prime Minister Gordon Brown today suggested scrapping the controversial eight home allowance for MPs. 'Eight may be just too much for the taxpayer to finance', he said, 'seven houses is enough for anyone, even an MP. And I myself have only six hou...
Read full storyTop Ten Books w/e 03/04/09
1) "Worlds' Cleverest Banking Conmen" by Jeremy Paxman. 'Newsnight's' Jezza gives the lowdown on all the conmen, embezzlers and swindlers from the collapsed BCCI Bank to Bernie Madoff. Introduction by Mahamed Al-Fayed. 2) "Saint Jade". Beatification of the "Chav Princess Di". Illustrated, and introduced by Max Clifford. 3) "Piers Morgan is a Cult". Third week in the chart for Richard Littlej...
Read full story'Media has clear God bias' - Satan
Satan, Lord of Darkness, today hit back at what he called, 'the clear bias of the media towards anything God says.' God, he said, 'will not and cannot stop climate change because he is powerless to do so. Anything else the bearded commie say is pure...
Read full storyGeorge W. Bush $7 Million Autobiography Completed
Much to the amazement of the literary world and the public at large, the one thousand page George W. Bush autobiography has been completed ahead of schedule. With several working titles, the former President settled on: The Audacity Of My Success! As...
Read full storyJacqui Smith's latest blue movie released today
The latest adult movie by soft porn star Jacqui Smith came out today. Smith is the UK's top porn star and is not to be confused with the Home Secretary of the same name, unless you're a moron. 'Not bad-looking for a 50-something year-old female po...
Read full storyBishop Hot, Cross and Bothered Over Holy Bun Baker Clash
A Church of England Bishop has complained that by making Hot Cross Buns all year round bakers are detracting from the church's message. The Very Reverend Dr Cecil Pew said "One really wonders why they have to make these buns all year round. The cross...
Read full storyPrince Charles To Get His Hands On Liz Hurley's Baps
A spokesperson for Prince Charles today announced an unusual business partner for the Prince. Liz Hurley, glamourous model and crap actress, has taken up organic farming. Her wares are to be sold by the Prince's Duchy Originals, a brand known for ove...
Read full storyManchester United and Liverpool squads for Saturday's game
Here is the Man United squad for Saturday's match: Edwiny van der Sarsy Gary Nevillesy Patricey Evrasy Oweny Hargreavesy Rioey Ferdinandsy Wessy Brownsy Cristiany Ronaldosy Andersonsy Dimitary Berbatovsy Wayney Rooneysy Ryany Giggsy Benny Fostersy Parky Ji-Sungsy Pauly Scholesy Mikey Carricksy Manager: Alexy Fergsy And the Liverpool one: Diegy Cavaliersy Andry Dossenas...
Read full storyLittle Britain Rife In Schools
Education chiefs today claimed that the popular television series 'Little Britain' is to blame for falling standards of behaviour in the nations schools. John Cole of the Nova Mews Educational Laboratory said "Kids watch this shit and then mimic i...
Read full storyMadonna Says She Finds OctuMom Sexy As Hell
NEW YORK CITY - Madonna fresh from divorcing Guy Ritchie and dating A-Rod, and a teenage Brazilian male model revealed to ABC's Barbara Walters that she finds OctuMom positively sexy. Madonna said that the mother of 14 has the most sensuously erot...
Read full storyMPs Expenses Ecstasy
As the furore over MPs' abuse of expenses mounts, I can reveal further troubling allegations of impropriety at the Palace of Westminster. A Labour Member, who cannot be named for legal reasons but I am calling 'Mr. C.', is exposed as claiming the...
Read full storyA Modern Woman's Party
Just like the good ole boys, women are having some wild parties these days and are proving to be just as stupid. In Nagal, New Mexico, Barbara Finto decided to throw a party for six of her best friends with no guys around. She ordered lots of Chin...
Read full storyWhat it is to be Irish
You may not believe there is a God, but is darn sure of the infallibility of the Pope. You won't eat meat on Friday, but will drink Jameson for breakfast. You have great respect for the truth, and use it in emergencies. You see things not as they are but the way they never will be. You get more Irish the further you get from Ireland. You will never play professional basketball Yo...
Read full storyFlorida Counties to Fight New Bestiality Laws
Cross City, Dixie County - In an amazing development four Florida counties, Lafayette, Gilchrist, Levy and Dixie have issued a legal challenge to Florida's new bestiality laws. Citing an oft overlooked 1839 statute Major Jeremiah Blunkin of Cross...
Read full storyUS President denies being a token
In a surprise move today, US President Barack Obama denied he was just a token figure, that did whatever his white bosses told him to. 'No way!', he said, eating some grits and playing the banjo on his porch, 'I is genuinely ruling them United States...
Read full storyAgadoo breaks into the download charts - gets critical acclaim
Black Lace hit Agadoo has been re-released to surprise critical acclaim. Although the song is remembered as an embarrassing party tune in the same vein as the Birdy Song by older people, youngsters are seeing it as a fresh new sound. A review of...
Read full storyBiden's daughter coke snort video 'was really homeopathetic sinus remedy'
Washington AC/DC - (Tootin' Ass Mess): Lawyers for US Vice President Joe Biden's daughter Ashley have issued a terse statement saying an internet coke snort video 'was really a homeopathetic (sic) sinus remedy'. The 27 year old social worker once...
Read full storyO'bama 'really here for Jade Goody's funeral' aides reckon
London - (Reality TV Shambles Mess): Forget the G20 Summit, tea with the Queen and Jamie Oliver's daring new Maine Lobster Sexpot, er....Hotpot! - recipe at the 10 Drowning Street banquet bash on Tuesday night. It's Jade Goody's funeral this Satur...
Read full storyBritain's very own Fritzl 'hiding in Buckingham Palace dungeon' Summit shockhorror
London - (Royal Ass mess): Police fear that London's fatuous G20 Summit could be seriously disrupted this week following reports that the country's very own Joseph Fritzl scandal is about to break. A lengthy a probe into 'some deranged, disgusting...
Read full story"Doctor Zhivago" Composer Compost At 84
A French musicians guild says Oscar-winning film composer Maurice Jarre has two-stepped to heaven, left on a down beat, composed the fat lady's song, Limboed underground, took the last waltz, joined Beethoven and Bach, waved his last wand, buggered o...
Read full storyQuiz For Cats About Humans
Your human walks into the kitchen. Does this mean? a) It's hungry b) It's lost c) You're hungry d) Let the begging begin Your human puts down a bowl of food for you. Is this? a) Supper b) Something s/he obviously wouldn't eat c) Something to keep you going till supper's ready d) Inedible junk to be scorned in favor of what the humans eat Your human removes you from the top of t...
Read full storyWhy Sleep Is Better Than Sex
... You don't feel guilty about doing it alone. ... No one will start rumors about how much you sleep. ... You won't complain in the morning about not getting any. ... You don't have to pay for sleep. ... You don't need to sleep after sleeping. ... Sleep can last a good eight hours.... or even more! ... You can sleep in church. ... While sleeping, you can have sex with anyone...
Read full storyLesbians to double in number by 2070
In another world exclusive, Professor Phil Myars of Wigan University granted me a preview of his latest alarming study due to be published in the Lancet later this week. The respected professor and his team predict that the number of Lesbians in the...
Read full storyMarch Madness: Chopstick State Upsets The Oklahoma Sooners
MEMPHIS - The Chopstick State Fighting Egg Rollers have come through again. The little team from the little town of Chattahoochee, Florida, located on the banks of the Apalachicola River has upset the mighty Oklahoma Sooners 109 to 17. Chopstick S...
Read full storyLA Whore Police Academy 7: Our Man In Kabulshit
Pakistan - (Tora Bora Ass Mess): A new movie plotline is emerging after Pakistani security forces stormed a beseiged police academy building in La Whore following hours of rampant, mindless gunslinging this weekend. Pakistan Interior Minister Rehm...
Read full storyJacqui Smith frigidity claim
Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has been severely criticised by a fathers rights campaign group for not providing her husband with enough sexual gratification. Although her husband, Richard Smith, declined to comment, the pressure group claim that the...
Read full story85% of Americans Suffer from Total Cerebral Necrosis
Nashville, KY - A new study being released this week by the Lyons Institute reveals that over 85 percent of Americans suffer from a condition doctors are calling 'complete end-stage cerebral necrosis'. Possible causes of the condition have been id...
Read full storyHome secretary reveals movie rented on expenses wasn't porn after all
The row over the alleged £10 porn movies rented on expenses by the British Home Secretary's husband is turning into a damp squib. It appears that Mr Smith was actually too embarrassed to reveal the name of the movies he had actually rented, so cla...
Read full storyUnsafe At Any Speed: Obama Takes the Wheel at GM!
Detroit,MI/ Car Crash News - In an unprecedented action President Barack "Hot Rod" Obama, effectively seized control of the world's largest automaker by forcing the current CEO to resign. Car aficionados likened the action to Barney Frank taking...
Read full storyMPs to get 2.33% rise. Enough to pay for their own porn.
An inflation-busting salary increase of 2.33% has been agreed for MPs. The increase is said to include 2.33% to cover unexpected additional expenses, and a performance-related element of 0%. MPs had been calling for an 80% increase to replace the...
Read full storyMan Tells Second Man He Has To Go See Third Man About A Dog
There was drama in the West Midlands today, as a man standing near a bus stop in Dudley told a second man that he was: "going to see a man about a dog." Several other people standing at the bus stop turned to see what the first man was talking...
Read full storyJade Goody No Longer Big News
"She was big news for a while, but she's only been dead for five minutes, and already she's out of the limelight!" Those were the words spoken by an unnamed fan today outside the home of the former reality TV star Jade Goody, who died on Mothers'...
Read full storyBrown Defends Home Secretary in 'Smutgate'
Gordon Brown has spoken in support of Home Secretary Jacqui Beria and her husband Richard Timid, after it became public that she had claimed expenses for two pornographic movies watched by him while she was away. Speaking at a news conference with...
Read full storyLahore Strike terrorists-terrorists strike Lahore
Lahore (Pakistan). The Pakistan government has accepted that these terrorists which are striking all over the world has been trained by them. But their cousin have turned their back on themselves. In a breaking News, the Pakistan media have clean...
Read full storyJonathan Ross asks for chemical castration
Falkirk - (Lurid Ass Mess): Serial sex predator Jonathan Ross - also known as Jonathan Bermingham according to police - has asked to be chemically castrated rather than endure 'years of pointless penis psychotherapy' and social workers' mumbo-jumbo.
Read full storyPiers Morgan asks incisive question shock!
The showbiz world was in shock yesterday when former tabloid editor Piers Morgan asked Ulrika Jonsson an incisive question in the most recent of his 'Life Stories' interviews. After skipping over details of Jonsson's affair with Sven Goran Eriksso...
Read full storyBrazilian President LuLu Creates Camps for Blue eyed Inferior Race
Brazil's president populist radical LuLu has reach the limit of his tolerance for people with Blue eyes. LuLu has established a system of concentration camps to protect brown eyed Brazillians from the inferior race. LuLu told me that bluies have...
Read full storyLord Wheeler Dealer Detorified for UKip Pocket Dip
The Tory Party not too long ago was flush in cash after Lord WD dropped a bundle into their conservative laps. Who would've guessed that that very wealthy Lord of lords would be expelled from the traditionalist fraternity. The reason? Why infidelity...
Read full storyObama Enters London Riding on a Donkey
Barack Obama came up with a dramatic entrance to London and the G-20 as he approached the British capital from Heathrow Airport bestriding a jackass. Some thought it was a reference to the emblem of Obama's own Democratic Party. Others saw a nod...
Read full storyTissue Company Markets Newest, Latest: Erectile Tissue
In these super competitive and really tough economic times, entrepreneurs are scrambling to come up with a truly new product or at least a novel twist on an oldie but goodie. Soda companies are stealing their own recipes from themselves. One pop gian...
Read full storySwedish Sisters Made the Mistake of Using AOL to Troll
It was a dark dark day in 2003, the day three sisters from THE village hut in Aerösol, attempted to send a rude email to troll folk using AOL. Having spent her last 3 score years and 10, wondering why her machine was slowing up, typical woman, Ing...
Read full storyGhostnet Attacks Everywhere
All over the world, people are claiming that they have been affected by the Chinese Ghostnet computer attack. Ghostnet has taken control of thousands of high-profile computers and stolen secret information from them. Now it appears that it has also...
Read full storyPresident Obama Purchases an Elephant Skin Suit
Washington DC: After last week's presidential press conference, President Obama's aides noted that his feathers had been ruffled by some of the CNN and Fox news reporter's questions. The president's chief of staff suggested "your skin is too thin...
Read full storyPrince Charles To Rescue Burnley - Why?
Reports from the national press appear to suggest that HRH The Prince Of Wales has expressed an interest in assisting the Lancashire Borough of Burnley through times of economic hardship,reports which may well rebound on him and break his face, accor...
Read full storySupermarket Store Manager Removed
Maida Vale, London: Supermarket Store Manager, Jasvinder Singh (26) has been removed from his post after only having served for two weeks, with a company spokesperson citing the ex-manager's "erratic and bizarre" behavior. Problems started shortl...
Read full storyJapanese Astronaut Finds Space Station Roomier Than His Tokyo Apartment
Japanese astronaut Koichi Wakata has been elected to stay on board the International space station alone while the other astronauts return in the shuttle. "It doesn't bother me." He said from his perch in orbit around the earth. "The space is...
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