March Madness: Chopstick State Upsets The Oklahoma Sooners

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Monday, 30 March 2009

image for March Madness: Chopstick State Upsets The Oklahoma Sooners
The game ball that Chopstick State players awarded to Coach Septimus Bricktop's 104-year-old grandmother 'Gummy'

MEMPHIS - The Chopstick State Fighting Egg Rollers have come through again. The little team from the little town of Chattahoochee, Florida, located on the banks of the Apalachicola River has upset the mighty Oklahoma Sooners 109 to 17.

Chopstick State guard Darnell Bellflower, who just in the past 24 hours had been battling a case of first degree athlete's foot, as well as tennis elbow, a backgammon back, hockey puckiolantinitus, and ping pong balls led his team in scoring with 60 points.

Marcus "Chicken Tenders" Cloverleaf, who ten minutes before the game started was running a temperature of 103, managed to add 20 points.

Coach Septimus Bricktop of the Fighting Egg Rollers praised his team for keeping their heads as well as their butts in the game especially midway through the third quarter when the air conditioning system went out and the on-court temperature actually reached 112 degrees.

Bricktop said that Angus Tyrone Seedcracker was awesome as he went to the free throw line 21 times and he made all 21 shots.

A.T. later told a reporter for The Baton Rouge Citizen Review that his girlfriend Malvina Summerall, 19, and whose measurements are 38-24-36, had promised him that if he made at least 20 free throws she would give him a free pass to third base.

When Bricktop was asked about the defensive play of 18-year-old freshman sensation Titus Mitkiyashi, he replied that 'Tit' was simply fantastic.

He went on to say that the kid was all over Oklahoma great Blake Griffin and he managed to limit the sensational Sooner to only 9 points in the first half and zero points in the second half.

After the game Griffin was asked to comment on the dazzling defensive play of Mitkiyashi, and he replied, "Well it wasn't so much Mit's defensive play. I think that I just got a hold of some bad Gatorade."

Coach Bricktop said that Mitkiyashi, who stands 7 foot 8, is not only the tallest player in the NCAA Basketball Tournament, but he is also the only player who can boast that he has dated Keira Knightley, Alicia Keys, Hilary Duff, and Madonna all within the same week.

Oklahoma Sooners Coach Jeff Capel commented at the post-game press conference, "Damn! darn! damn! darn! You know I had heard that Chopstick State was damn good, but I did not know that they were that darn, friggin' good. The way them Chopstickers played tonight, they could easily beat the damn darn LA Lakers.

Hell they were so fired up you'd have thought that each one had bet thousands of damn dollars on the darn game...I really have to see the playback, I think that I may have seen a damn knife or some darn brass knuckles, but I'm not positive."

The Fighting Egg Rollers from Chopstick State will now face the Villanova Wildcats in the semi-finals.

In other news. The Cuban Products Commission has just announced that the sale of Britney Spears Bobblehead Dolls on the island of Cuba, has just surpassed the combined sales of Cuban cigars, sugarcane, Cuban crotchless panties, and rum.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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